- Apr 14, 2001
- 57,454
- 19,921
- 146
Terrorism Funnies
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that
Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry
detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good
timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What's
next - a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box."
-Jay Leno
"Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin
Laden?' I said, 'I don't know, let's find out." -Don Imus
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual,
we're number three." -David Letterman
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or
packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to
be terrible news for the rap industry." -Jay Leno
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're
finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to
rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a
name change. These are some possible name
changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan,
Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstand,
Bye-bye-Talibanistan, Ass-Kicked-istan."
-Jay Leno
"President Bush was very angry at members of Congress
today ... Boy we have a strange country - military secrets all
over TV, the only information we can't find out - Who won an
Emmy." -Jay Leno
"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight
Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack. The State
Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying
it really felt good to laugh again." -Tina Fey on Saturday Night
Live's "Weekend Update"
"President Bush continues to have the highest popularity
rating of any president ever, current rating 130 percent...
In fact, Al Gore carries in his wallet a picture of him and
Bush at the debates and says, 'Yeah, I know him. We used
to hang out.'" -Jay Leno
"Today President Bush urged all Americans to be patient
with the war on terrorism. I think we're pretty patient.
Election day took what, three months?" -Jay Leno
"New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is lobbying now to stay in
office another three months. And today Clinton said, 'You
can do that?'" -Jay Leno
"Today in New York, we had the primary elections for mayor. To
improve their chances, all five candidates
changed their name to Rudy Giuliani." -Conan O'Brien
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the
airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is
Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra
time." -Jay Leno
"Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was
only unsafe if you were an intern." -David Letterman
"The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan
once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al
Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's
already got the beard." -Jay Leno
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be
that people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full
of white powder." -Jay Leno
"More and more news coming out about this Osama bin
Laden guy. He's 6'5" and has 42 children. Or, as the NBA
calls him, a rookie." -Jay Leno
"The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and said
bin Laden has 42 children. That's going to happen when
you sleep in a different cave every night." -Jay Leno
"Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were exposed
to a mysterious white powder they had never seen before - the end
zone." -Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried
Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly
thought they were attacking a high-ranking U.S. military
official Colonel Sanders." -Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night
Live's "Weekend Update"
"Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers
in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID."
-David Letterman
President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and
today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes
again." -Jay Leno
"Clinton and Dole are joining forces to raise $100 million in
scholarship money for the families of the victims. But you
know who also deserves a pat on the back, Elizabeth Dole.
Her husband is on Viagra and he's gone on the road with Bill
Clinton - that is one trusting woman." -Jay Leno
"It's a tough time to do humor, but it's not the only tough
time. There have been other tough stretches in comedy.
Remember a couple of years ago when President Clinton
stopped dating for a couple of weeks?" -Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me; all these people getting on the
Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If
Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo
and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." -Jay Leno
"People are being much, much nicer to each other in New
York. And I have to be honest, it's kind of weird. The
other night at Shea Stadium, instead of yelling 'You suck!' at
the Braves, Mets fans were yelling, 'Others are better
than you!'" -Conan O'Brien
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have
three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send
her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a
week." -Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that
Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry
detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good
timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What's
next - a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box."
-Jay Leno
"Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin
Laden?' I said, 'I don't know, let's find out." -Don Imus
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual,
we're number three." -David Letterman
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or
packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to
be terrible news for the rap industry." -Jay Leno
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're
finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to
rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a
name change. These are some possible name
changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan,
Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstand,
Bye-bye-Talibanistan, Ass-Kicked-istan."
-Jay Leno
"President Bush was very angry at members of Congress
today ... Boy we have a strange country - military secrets all
over TV, the only information we can't find out - Who won an
Emmy." -Jay Leno
"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight
Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack. The State
Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying
it really felt good to laugh again." -Tina Fey on Saturday Night
Live's "Weekend Update"
"President Bush continues to have the highest popularity
rating of any president ever, current rating 130 percent...
In fact, Al Gore carries in his wallet a picture of him and
Bush at the debates and says, 'Yeah, I know him. We used
to hang out.'" -Jay Leno
"Today President Bush urged all Americans to be patient
with the war on terrorism. I think we're pretty patient.
Election day took what, three months?" -Jay Leno
"New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is lobbying now to stay in
office another three months. And today Clinton said, 'You
can do that?'" -Jay Leno
"Today in New York, we had the primary elections for mayor. To
improve their chances, all five candidates
changed their name to Rudy Giuliani." -Conan O'Brien
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the
airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is
Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra
time." -Jay Leno
"Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was
only unsafe if you were an intern." -David Letterman
"The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan
once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al
Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's
already got the beard." -Jay Leno
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be
that people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full
of white powder." -Jay Leno
"More and more news coming out about this Osama bin
Laden guy. He's 6'5" and has 42 children. Or, as the NBA
calls him, a rookie." -Jay Leno
"The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and said
bin Laden has 42 children. That's going to happen when
you sleep in a different cave every night." -Jay Leno
"Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were exposed
to a mysterious white powder they had never seen before - the end
zone." -Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried
Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly
thought they were attacking a high-ranking U.S. military
official Colonel Sanders." -Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night
Live's "Weekend Update"
"Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers
in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID."
-David Letterman
President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and
today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes
again." -Jay Leno
"Clinton and Dole are joining forces to raise $100 million in
scholarship money for the families of the victims. But you
know who also deserves a pat on the back, Elizabeth Dole.
Her husband is on Viagra and he's gone on the road with Bill
Clinton - that is one trusting woman." -Jay Leno
"It's a tough time to do humor, but it's not the only tough
time. There have been other tough stretches in comedy.
Remember a couple of years ago when President Clinton
stopped dating for a couple of weeks?" -Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me; all these people getting on the
Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If
Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo
and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." -Jay Leno
"People are being much, much nicer to each other in New
York. And I have to be honest, it's kind of weird. The
other night at Shea Stadium, instead of yelling 'You suck!' at
the Braves, Mets fans were yelling, 'Others are better
than you!'" -Conan O'Brien
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have
three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send
her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a
week." -Jay Leno
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