Ok, first I want to preface this by saying I know that many of you object to posting personal topics in this forum, and for that I apologize, but I value the opinions of my peers and others and would be curious as to see what you would do in my situation. So anyway, let's get on with it.
Many of you probably have never heard of me, but I'm a lurker, and not a poster. I've been a lurker for more than 3 years now. Some may remember, but I posted in January of this year that my fiancee/girlfriend of 5.5 years left me for no reason and I was devastated. Anyway, I've moved on and I recently have met someone new. This girl is incredible, she's young, beautiful, intelligent, all the qualities that you'd ever want in girl. She just moved up here to Jersey from Atlanta, and started working in my building. We hit it off right away, we started hanging out a lot and doing things together, there was definitely chemistry, you know, those long stares, lots of awkward silences, big smiles, brushing up against each other while sitting together at a bar, etc. It was incredible. I couldn't stop thinking about her(still can't).
Anyway, after about 4 weeks of this type of deal, basically hanging out and doing things together, I made a move. At first I was denied. She had some floundering relationship back in Atlanta, but based on the fact that she never mentioned it,and when she did she never mentioned it in apositive light Comments like "I'm sure he's out with another woman right now...etc.." Is what she would say. So I told her my intentions. I said "I'd love to be able to just sit with you on the couch, rent a movie, put my arm around you and kiss you, that's it" That did it. She lost her inhibitions with me. I never put pressure on her to end her relationship, and when she said she wanted space I gave her all the space she wanted. Of course, my feeling for her kept growing, and I was becoming a wreck. All I could do was think about her. When I knew she was coming over I would shower and try on like 5 different shirts, etc. I get all nervous when she's around, and Actually I get somewhat scared when I know I'm going to see her. We started spending more and more time together. There was some physical intimacy, but not too much. She'd stay at my apt all weekend. OK, so you're probably wondering what the problem is right? Well I'll get to that right now.
It happened after a weekend we were together the whole time, she was there on sunday afternoon, and I started feeling all claustrphobic, and I kind of wanted her to leave. It was like someone flicked a switch. I don't know why, but I started getting all anxious. So, she left, and from that moment on I started having these doubts about how I felt about her. I loved every moment we were together, and I couldn't figure out why I felt that way suddenly. Anyway, about 2 weeks ago, I found myself thinking about how I felt more and more, It consumed my entire day, all I could do was question myself, I couldn't sleep at night, couldn't eat, wanted to see her, but didn't at the same time. Whe she would come to see me it was like she totally soothed me. I felt fine, It was like I relaxed instantly. Of course this just made me more and more confused, now I started to get panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I couldn't even breathe.
Then just last week, I just snapped, she came over to spend the night and I just lost it, Basically I woke up at 5Am I couldn't breathe, I felt like my heart was going to explode, and I woke her up and told her i couldn't see her anymore. She was devastated, I told her that I don't love her. I don't know why I said that, because it was never implied how strong her feelings were for me or neither of us mentioned love at all? I said something just doesn't feel right. She left and my anxiety went away. Of course after I slept for a while I woke up and thought "what have I done?". In short I'm miserable at work/school, I hate New Jersey, and right now I'm under an incredible amount of stress. I feel like my life was spinning out of control. I thought about what I did, and I think it was a knee jerk reaction, here was one thing in my life that I felt like I had the most control over, and since I felt stressed, my reaction was to get rid of the problem. I don't think this was the right thing to do, because instead of dealing with my anxiety and trying to work through it, my instinct was to throw away the one thing in my life that actually gives me any happiness. What the hell was I thinking. My anxiety returned, but now it was anxiety about the fact that I had made the wrong decision.
So, I called her and she came over and we straightened things out, We agreed to step way back and to keep things very casual. It's exactly what I want. I want her in my life and I want to spend time with her. But, then my anxiety came back. I mean this girl is consuming my thoughts non-stop, all I can do is think about the situation. I don't understand why I can't live in the here and now and enjoy her company,in a casual relationship, and all I can do is focus on doubts and insecurities. Why do I constantly question every decision I make, whether it was right or wrong. I don't understand why I think so much about it, I mean the situation is perfect right now, very casual dating. Lots of space. This past weekend has been a nightmare, I have never felt so much anxiety in my life ever. I came home to NY to be with my family, and as soon as I walked in the door and saw my father I totally broke down, and cried like a baby. Then I called her yesterday afternoon, explained how I was feeling so anxious and after she talked to me for a while I felt so much better, She really calms me down. She said that she's here for me, when I'm ready, and that we should definately take things day by day.
Of course, I spend lots of time talking to people about my situation. Some people think that I have this major fear of becoming too involved with someone, because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. My last relattionship ended so horribly, and even though I don't feel that that bad anymore, maybe subconciously I have a lot of apprehension to get involved in something that seemed to be becoming serious in a rather short period of time. Maybe my gut instinct of running away was the result of my fear of getting overly involved with someone. I can see myself falling big time for this girl, and at the same time can't understand why I feel the need for so much space. My father says that It sounds like I'm totally in love, Mom agrees. Anyway, I just would like to know what you think. Feel free to berate me for posting a long and personal post, or contribute any piece of advice that you see fit. Oh, by the way, I'm going back to therapy this week. I think I'm on the edge.
Thanks,
Ian
Many of you probably have never heard of me, but I'm a lurker, and not a poster. I've been a lurker for more than 3 years now. Some may remember, but I posted in January of this year that my fiancee/girlfriend of 5.5 years left me for no reason and I was devastated. Anyway, I've moved on and I recently have met someone new. This girl is incredible, she's young, beautiful, intelligent, all the qualities that you'd ever want in girl. She just moved up here to Jersey from Atlanta, and started working in my building. We hit it off right away, we started hanging out a lot and doing things together, there was definitely chemistry, you know, those long stares, lots of awkward silences, big smiles, brushing up against each other while sitting together at a bar, etc. It was incredible. I couldn't stop thinking about her(still can't).
Anyway, after about 4 weeks of this type of deal, basically hanging out and doing things together, I made a move. At first I was denied. She had some floundering relationship back in Atlanta, but based on the fact that she never mentioned it,and when she did she never mentioned it in apositive light Comments like "I'm sure he's out with another woman right now...etc.." Is what she would say. So I told her my intentions. I said "I'd love to be able to just sit with you on the couch, rent a movie, put my arm around you and kiss you, that's it" That did it. She lost her inhibitions with me. I never put pressure on her to end her relationship, and when she said she wanted space I gave her all the space she wanted. Of course, my feeling for her kept growing, and I was becoming a wreck. All I could do was think about her. When I knew she was coming over I would shower and try on like 5 different shirts, etc. I get all nervous when she's around, and Actually I get somewhat scared when I know I'm going to see her. We started spending more and more time together. There was some physical intimacy, but not too much. She'd stay at my apt all weekend. OK, so you're probably wondering what the problem is right? Well I'll get to that right now.
It happened after a weekend we were together the whole time, she was there on sunday afternoon, and I started feeling all claustrphobic, and I kind of wanted her to leave. It was like someone flicked a switch. I don't know why, but I started getting all anxious. So, she left, and from that moment on I started having these doubts about how I felt about her. I loved every moment we were together, and I couldn't figure out why I felt that way suddenly. Anyway, about 2 weeks ago, I found myself thinking about how I felt more and more, It consumed my entire day, all I could do was question myself, I couldn't sleep at night, couldn't eat, wanted to see her, but didn't at the same time. Whe she would come to see me it was like she totally soothed me. I felt fine, It was like I relaxed instantly. Of course this just made me more and more confused, now I started to get panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I couldn't even breathe.
Then just last week, I just snapped, she came over to spend the night and I just lost it, Basically I woke up at 5Am I couldn't breathe, I felt like my heart was going to explode, and I woke her up and told her i couldn't see her anymore. She was devastated, I told her that I don't love her. I don't know why I said that, because it was never implied how strong her feelings were for me or neither of us mentioned love at all? I said something just doesn't feel right. She left and my anxiety went away. Of course after I slept for a while I woke up and thought "what have I done?". In short I'm miserable at work/school, I hate New Jersey, and right now I'm under an incredible amount of stress. I feel like my life was spinning out of control. I thought about what I did, and I think it was a knee jerk reaction, here was one thing in my life that I felt like I had the most control over, and since I felt stressed, my reaction was to get rid of the problem. I don't think this was the right thing to do, because instead of dealing with my anxiety and trying to work through it, my instinct was to throw away the one thing in my life that actually gives me any happiness. What the hell was I thinking. My anxiety returned, but now it was anxiety about the fact that I had made the wrong decision.
So, I called her and she came over and we straightened things out, We agreed to step way back and to keep things very casual. It's exactly what I want. I want her in my life and I want to spend time with her. But, then my anxiety came back. I mean this girl is consuming my thoughts non-stop, all I can do is think about the situation. I don't understand why I can't live in the here and now and enjoy her company,in a casual relationship, and all I can do is focus on doubts and insecurities. Why do I constantly question every decision I make, whether it was right or wrong. I don't understand why I think so much about it, I mean the situation is perfect right now, very casual dating. Lots of space. This past weekend has been a nightmare, I have never felt so much anxiety in my life ever. I came home to NY to be with my family, and as soon as I walked in the door and saw my father I totally broke down, and cried like a baby. Then I called her yesterday afternoon, explained how I was feeling so anxious and after she talked to me for a while I felt so much better, She really calms me down. She said that she's here for me, when I'm ready, and that we should definately take things day by day.
Of course, I spend lots of time talking to people about my situation. Some people think that I have this major fear of becoming too involved with someone, because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. My last relattionship ended so horribly, and even though I don't feel that that bad anymore, maybe subconciously I have a lot of apprehension to get involved in something that seemed to be becoming serious in a rather short period of time. Maybe my gut instinct of running away was the result of my fear of getting overly involved with someone. I can see myself falling big time for this girl, and at the same time can't understand why I feel the need for so much space. My father says that It sounds like I'm totally in love, Mom agrees. Anyway, I just would like to know what you think. Feel free to berate me for posting a long and personal post, or contribute any piece of advice that you see fit. Oh, by the way, I'm going back to therapy this week. I think I'm on the edge.
Thanks,
Ian
Get rid of scary situation, get rid of anxiety. 
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