OK ... I see all these threads on ATOT about cheating and relationships...

[George P Burdell]

Originally posted by: mjuszczak

Originally posted by: George P Burdell

Originally posted by: mjuszczak
Yeah.... well now its hard cause even if you think you have the right one ... you might not.
I KNOW I want to be with her. She "knows that too".... she still calls and tells me she loves me, misses me, wants to be with me, etc. etc..... yet .... uhhh ... hasn't changed? Girls suck.

I think you need to talk all this out with the girl, and settle everything one and for all. Sure, you guys might love each other, but that's not enough to save a relationship. Sometimes you need to wake up to reality, count your losses and move on.

Of course here on an online forum, we'll never know the exact situation between you and her, but these are times when you need to me more practical than emotional.

You say you're moving to North Jersey, so will you be moving away from this girl? If yes, you have yet another reason to move on. Long distance realtionship are very, very hard to sustain, especially in the 18-25 age group.

Your signature is from a post in one of my other threads. Nice

No, I am moving CLOSER to her. her and I have ALWAYS been a long distance relationship, which is something that also bothers her ... I live 2.5 hours from her now. I'll be 10 minutes from her in July if my move works out.... but who knows if it will.

Oh, that's comforting :thumbsup:

OK, I'm a bit confused.. did you guys formally call it quits? If so, when? If not, what's going on?

 

[manlymatt83]

Overall, I'm just being careful.

Her and I talk about once a week ... we're supposed to talk tomorrow... she keeps making it clear to me that she hasn't "done anything with anyone and misses me". I'm trying to move on, and I'm being VERY CAREFUL (not giving into her, holding back my emotions, etc.), but I still want to stay her friend. That way, if anything can happen, it will.

I know she'll have to date someone else before I'll feel comforatable again. Me being her first boyfriend, I felt she never appreciated all I did for her.... so I think we both want her to date someone else, for different reasons. Either way, if I stay her friend, if something is meant to happen, it can.

 

[OdiN]

Originally posted by: mjuszczak
It took us a year to say it... we dated for two, long distance. I know she loved me. What KIND of love it was is a different story. The way I look at it, if she really loves me she'll come back.. And sometimes people can learn to love people more once they date other people and find out what else is out there.

I think I treated her like gold. Her parents didn't think so, they hated me, for no reason other than that I treated her like gold and they had a problem with that. Or that I was liberal. That too I guess.

Anyway, since the last time I saw her i've lost about 15 pounds, and I won't see her again until May... with another 15 off by then hopefully. 30 pounds FTW.

Well...sometimes if you truly love someone, you have to just let them go. Let them fly away. Then if they come back someday, you'll know how they feel.

Her only having one BF is a concern...don't get mad at the people that were telling her that because I probably would have told her that too. You DO NOT want to get into a marriage or anything that serious because of "puppy love" or those really feel good things that happens in a new relationship.

I've done long distance before. It's NOT the same as if you are close by and see each other. You don't see each other as often and the relationship really take a lot longer to progress so that even after 2 years I would say you were still in a relatively new relationship emotionally. It's a LOT different when you see the person every day or so.

In a long distance relationship...every time you see the person you get the really good high. Plop yourselves together seeing each other daily and that will fade and you will not feel the same every time you see her. Trust me on that.

 

[manlymatt83]

George: Look at my past 20 threads or so .... they are all about her and the stories ... search for my name and "girl" or something.

Basically, we were dating long distance, then we started fighting because I felt she never stuck up for me to her parents (they always bashed me and she never did anything about it), and then she got mad at me cause I was mad at her, and then one day, we just "took a break" ... but it ended up being a break up... then she went away to study abroad about two weeks later, and since she left her and I are talking (and yes I'm being careful, because I know she could just be lonely).... she claims she wants to visit me when she comes home, work things out, etc.... but then she talks about other people .... its so confusing.

I'm being very careful when I talk to her. I'm being nice, but I'm being a FRIEND.

-Matt

 

[manlymatt83]

Odin: I agree .... like I said, I AGREE with her seeing other people, I just wish it didn't take two years for her to figure that out. And I wish at 21 she had had more experience before hand... I remember her always wanting to wait for "the right person" before getting into a relationship... I think that attitude might have hurt her...

Anyway, yeah we're staying friends... and I did let her go....

 

[OdiN]

Originally posted by: mjuszczak
Odin: I agree .... like I said, I AGREE with her seeing other people, I just wish it didn't take two years for her to figure that out. And I wish at 21 she had had more experience before hand... I remember her always wanting to wait for "the right person" before getting into a relationship... I think that attitude might have hurt her...

Anyway, yeah we're staying friends... and I did let her go....

Well I'm rather picky too...you can't automatically find the "right person" but you can find someone who might be and is worth your time. 2 years isn't uncommon for a first relationship, especially if it goes well.

Some people are late bloomers...they don't get into any serious relationships until they are older than average. There's nothing wrong with that. You might wish her to have more experience in dating other people..but it isn't the case and I'm assuming you knew that early on.

How old are you BTW? It's just one of these lessons that we all end up learning one way or another. I've had my heart broken before and it sucks but you push on and get through it and you will find someone else.

 

[George P Burdell]

Originally posted by: OdiN

Originally posted by: mjuszczak
Odin: I agree .... like I said, I AGREE with her seeing other people, I just wish it didn't take two years for her to figure that out. And I wish at 21 she had had more experience before hand... I remember her always wanting to wait for "the right person" before getting into a relationship... I think that attitude might have hurt her...

Anyway, yeah we're staying friends... and I did let her go....

Well I'm rather picky too...you can't automatically find the "right person" but you can find someone who might be and is worth your time. 2 years isn't uncommon for a first relationship, especially if it goes well.

Some people are late bloomers...they don't get into any serious relationships until they are older than average. There's nothing wrong with that. You might wish her to have more experience in dating other people..but it isn't the case and I'm assuming you knew that early on.

How old are you BTW? It's just one of these lessons that we all end up learning one way or another. I've had my heart broken before and it sucks but you push on and get through it and you will find someone else.

:thumbsup:

 

[manlymatt83]

ok... I guess you're right... and until the happens, stay friends with her like I want to?

 

[Starbuck1975]

ok... I guess you're right... and until the happens, stay friends with her like I want to?

You are too young to be fretting over one woman...do not stay friends with her...cut her loose, and maybe she will realize you both had a good thing and come back...so long as you stay in her life, you become a crutch...and it is only going to make you furious when she starts dating other guys...as hard it might be, you have to give her space right now...let her figure out what she wants in life...which will be healthy for you as well, because there are plenty of women out there.

I just don't understand how she could "love me" yet want to date someone else before she sticks with me? I mean ... WTF?

Because both of you are at a stage in your life when you should be feeling out what you like and dislike in a relationship...22 is too young to fall in love for a lifetime.

Her and I talk about once a week ... we're supposed to talk tomorrow... she keeps making it clear to me that she hasn't "done anything with anyone and misses me". I'm trying to move on, and I'm being VERY CAREFUL (not giving into her, holding back my emotions, etc.), but I still want to stay her friend. That way, if anything can happen, it will.

Cut her off entirely...it may seem cruel, but you seem to be hoping for a friends with benefits relationship, or that she will wake up one day and have more certainty in your relationship.

Once someone in a relationship feels the need to spread their wings and see what else is out there, things are never the same...even if you were to get back together, it would not be on a solid foundation.

It may be difficult, but just move on and don't look back.

 

[persephone1]

As a girl...there are plenty of girls out there who would be more than faithful.

Also, as someone who was/is in love...it's a b*tch. You basically have to take whatever comes your way. It's a curse, and I suppose in some sick way that makes it beautiful. You will never get over her. You must embrace that you love her always, accept that you were hurt and move on a little more damaged than you used to be. Think of it as adding character Just think how many more movies and songs you can enjoy now because of your experience. OK, kidding. But seriously, don't lose hope. You will find someone. Just make sure you're looking in the right places. Here's a hint...any decent girls I know don't go out to bars, have myspace accounts or have many guy friends. Just my $0.02.

 

[persephone1]

An 22 is NOT too young to fall in love for a lifetime. Crappy people is who make falling in love at 22 not work, and for them it will never work, regardless of age.

 

[manlymatt83]

Originally posted by: Starbuck1975

ok... I guess you're right... and until the happens, stay friends with her like I want to?

You are too young to be fretting over one woman...do not stay friends with her...cut her loose, and maybe she will realize you both had a good thing and come back...so long as you stay in her life, you become a crutch...and it is only going to make you furious when she starts dating other guys...as hard it might be, you have to give her space right now...let her figure out what she wants in life...which will be healthy for you as well, because there are plenty of women out there.

I just don't understand how she could "love me" yet want to date someone else before she sticks with me? I mean ... WTF?

Because both of you are at a stage in your life when you should be feeling out what you like and dislike in a relationship...22 is too young to fall in love for a lifetime.

Her and I talk about once a week ... we're supposed to talk tomorrow... she keeps making it clear to me that she hasn't "done anything with anyone and misses me". I'm trying to move on, and I'm being VERY CAREFUL (not giving into her, holding back my emotions, etc.), but I still want to stay her friend. That way, if anything can happen, it will.

Cut her off entirely...it may seem cruel, but you seem to be hoping for a friends with benefits relationship, or that she will wake up one day and have more certainty in your relationship.

Once someone in a relationship feels the need to spread their wings and see what else is out there, things are never the same...even if you were to get back together, it would not be on a solid foundation.

It may be difficult, but just move on and don't look back.

I don't want friends with benefits. I want to love her. I understand.... well, she's abroad right now and about a week ago I promised I would call her tonight at 9:00 PM to see how she's doing (its expensive so we only talk for a few minutes). I know last week I almost didn't call her and she kinda got upset. Should I blow her off entirely tonight? Or should I call her because I promised but just treat her like a friend?

FTR, I'll make my own decision on this, I just ask for support. I always end up doing what I want anyway, which actually is usually the right thing. I just like to talk about my feelings a lot....

 

[manlymatt83]

Originally posted by: persephone1
As a girl...there are plenty of girls out there who would be more than faithful.

Also, as someone who was/is in love...it's a b*tch. You basically have to take whatever comes your way. It's a curse, and I suppose in some sick way that makes it beautiful. You will never get over her. You must embrace that you love her always, accept that you were hurt and move on a little more damaged than you used to be. Think of it as adding character Just think how many more movies and songs you can enjoy now because of your experience. OK, kidding. But seriously, don't lose hope. You will find someone. Just make sure you're looking in the right places. Here's a hint...any decent girls I know don't go out to bars, have myspace accounts or have many guy friends. Just my $0.02.

OMG .... I love you. This is a perfect response. I hate myspace. I hate facebook. And any girl that has it, I'm not attracted to, because I prefer to meet my friends in person. The only reason I had a facebook account was because she asked me to get it. I let her login and create everything... to this day I think I only logged in about twice, and then when her and I broke up, I deactivated it... because it was "her and I" all over the place. She used to manage my profile and everything. and she was my only "friend".

Yeah, I never really meet any decent girl at a bar... and thats the problem. I'm in South Jersey and its really hard meeting people down here. Thats one of the reasons I'm trying to move back to North Jersey sometime soon. Its easier to meet people... I had no problems when I lived there earlier....

An 22 is NOT too young to fall in love for a lifetime. Crappy people is who make falling in love at 22 not work, and for them it will never work, regardless of age.

Thanks for your great response with this too. I want to know what YOU would do in my situation.... should I stay her friend? I really love her.

 

[manlymatt83]

persephone1: Welcome to ATOT

 

[Rage187]

27 seems to be the age at which they usually stop whoring around.

 

[EmperorIQ]

Originally posted by: OdiN

Originally posted by: mjuszczak
So you're saying a decent girl is hard to come by around 20-22? There's no girls out there interested in serious long-term relationships? Its what I want.

They are definitely out there.

the majority of them are already taken

 

[EmperorIQ]

Originally posted by: mjuszczak
true ... we still talk though too .... but just in a friendly way.... she gets pissed at that... I miss it too :-( Anyway..... I guess she could always change, but who knows. I could always change too... funny thing is it was al ong distance relationship, but if my plans for July work out, I'll be moving about 10 minutes from her ..... I'm not gonna tell her that though .... that'll hurt too much.

I just don't understand how she could "love me" yet want to date someone else before she sticks with me? I mean ... WTF?

dude, just leave her. Let what was there die out man. Move on and find another girl. Leave her, no use in dwelling, and letting her keep you hanging on. She misses you but doesn't want to be with you. She wants to experience other guys, but still wants you around? Sounds like back up to me man..

 

[manlymatt83]

EmperorIQ: I know. So what should I do? call her today like I said I would? Or blow her off? I'm not one to be mean, the girl leaves tomorrow for the middle of no where. How about a "Hey, I don't have much time (which I don't!), but just wanted to say hi."

What if I'm honest, and say "I can't do this anymore. I don't want to feel like backup, and that's how I feel right now. Sorry."

And be done with it? Be honest?

 

[persephone1]

It's one of those strange things. You want to fix something before you move on, but the truth is you have to move on to fix it.

As far as for what I would do...that's tricky. I think I'd try to wean it down a little and maybe not say everything that you want to say to her. This is really hard, but if you miss her, don't tell her. That way you don't feel totally rejected when you don't get the response you were hoping for, and over time, you will probably gain enough strength in yourself to make it a more productive friendship. But to do this, you have to bite the bullet and accept that it's not what it was anymore. And that my friend, is probably one of the hardest things you will EVER have to do.

 

[manlymatt83]

Originally posted by: persephone1
It's one of those strange things. You want to fix something before you move on, but the truth is you have to move on to fix it.

As far as for what I would do...that's tricky. I think I'd try to wean it down a little and maybe not say everything that you want to say to her. This is really hard, but if you miss her, don't tell her. That way you don't feel totally rejected when you don't get the response you were hoping for, and over time, you will probably gain enough strength in yourself to make it a more productive friendship. But to do this, you have to bite the bullet and accept that it's not what it was anymore. And that my friend, is probably one of the hardest things you will EVER have to do.

Agreed... but last time we were on the phone, I DID bite the bullet. She said she missed me and I didn't respond... I said I couldn't say it... I wanted to stop being hurt. She got sad.... I have no problem biting the bullet again today...

 

[persephone1]

what kind of sad did she get? what exactly did she say.

 

[NakaNaka]

Of course there are girls out there who do not lie or cheat. But what you need to do is stop looking for a serious relationship. Be happy with your life, meet guys, meet girls, and go on some dates. And then see what happens.

 

[persephone1]

when you talk to her today, try not having any expectations. don't ground your convo on recent ones. just take it for face value. see if that helps you not get so hurt.

 

[persephone1]

Of course there are girls out there who do not lie or cheat. But what you need to do is stop looking for a serious relationship. Be happy with your life, meet guys, meet girls, and go on some dates. And then see what happens.

Try being hurt and then try following your advice. It'll seem damn near impossible. But I totally agree. That is what needs to be done.

 

[manlymatt83]

Well, on the phone I told her I was thinking of her, and that she was afraid I wouldn't say I missed her too when she said it (she said it first). That was last Wed. Then this past Friday we were talking online and I didn't say anything to her showing my feelings, and she kept responding with a :-( where she would usually say "I love you".

Her family hates me, for no reason. I treated her like gold. Its just that she had a tendency to tell her parents all the bad things that went on in our relationship, and not the good things.... her sister asked her this past week if she had met anyone new (even though her sister talks to me every few days and knows her and I are still friends), and her response was "no". When I asked my x if she had met anyone, she said there was some guy on her trip she thought "was OK looking, but a really nice guy"... i asked her if she was interested in him, she said she didn't know, but she felt that she was just "forcing herself to meet someone so that she could get a new relationship over with and come back to me". (because her whole thing is that she doesn't want me to be her only boyfriend)..... frankly, I think thats total crap, and I wouldn't take her back right now anyway because she would have to get these doubts out of her system, but MORE IMPORTANTLY, she would have to learn to stick up for me. Thats why I kind of want her to meet someone new, and I TOLD her this last Wed. on the phone and she started crying and asked how I could say something like that. My response was that "I know I treated her like gold, and felt I was taken advantage of, and maybe if she had another relationship to compare me to, she would have been more appreciative." I truly believe that. I feel she wrongly made me look bad to her family, and never stuck up for me because she never had the guts to. THAT Would have to change.

As far as calling her to tonight, I think I will but as friends... unless persephone1, you think differently. I did promise i would call her .... maybe I just wont stay on very long. The way I look at it, if she sees me pulling away, she'll have to realize how she feels. Right now, I'm a fallback (even though I'm not, she might THINK I am cause I keep talking to her ... but like I said, under no circumstances would I take her back right now. In fact, she asked me last week if I would and I said that I would have to at least wait until she came home 5 months from now).

She has a house key of mine still. Before she left I asked for it back... she said she wanted to keep it so she could come visit me when she got home this Summer. If we DO see each other this Summer, even as friends, she might not be attracted to me anymore anyway.... I've already lost about 20 pounds since she last saw me, and I'm planning on losing about 20 more for a total of 40 pounds. This will bring me to my target weight, and I won't be as "big" anymore. She never liked skinny guys....

But who knows... I could call her tonight and she could say something is going on with that guy she met last week, or she could say nothing is... its been two days since I talked to her, lots can happen.