Official P&N Joke Thread

[zendari]

John Kerry was jogging down the street and sees these kittens in a pet store window. He asks the owner, "What kind of kittens are these?"

The owner replied "They're democrats."

The next week Kerry is jogging down the street with Joe Liberman and Kerry sees the kittens and tells Joe, "You gotta' see this!"

Kerry walks up to the store owner and asks, "What kind of kittens are these?"

"Republicans" the store owner replies.

"But last week you said they were democrats! Whats the difference between them then and now?" Kerry proclaims.

"They opened their eyes." The store owner responds.

 

[kogase]

I didn't find it funny because I felt it smugly insulted my intelligence, I'll admit that. But it's also probably ruined more because I saw it posted in a smug-likes-to-insult-intelligence blind conservative website before I saw this one posted by Stunt. If this was the first place I had seen it I probably would have grinned.

 

[TastesLikeChicken]

Originally posted by: cKGunslinger

Originally posted by: TastesLikeChicken

Originally posted by: Tommunist

Originally posted by: cKGunslinger

Originally posted by: Tommunist


worst analogy evarrrrrrr

(psssst - see the letters j, o, k, and e in the title?)

have you heard any good jokes about blacks or jews lately? man those are funnaaaaay! b/c they are just jokes right?

Liberals are an ethnic and religious group now?

When did this happen?

I think the response you are looking for is:

worst analogy evarrrrrrr

LOL :laugh:

 

[Gigantopithecus]

Things you have to believe to be a conservative in America:

1. Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals.
2. The US should leave the UN, but its primary reason for pre-emptive invasion & war is to enfore UN resolutions.
3. Slashing benefits for military personnel is ok if you don a flight suit and praise the troops.
4. HMOs & health insurance companies have the best interest of their customers at heart.
5. Saddam Hussein was a good guy when Reagan did business with him in the 80s, a bad guy when Bush Sr. warred against him in the early 90s, a good guy when Halliburton under Cheney did business with him in the mid 90s, and a bad guy when Bush Jr. warred against him in the early 00s.
6. If condoms are kept out of schools, kids won't have sex.
7. Global warming is junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
8. Trade with Cuba is wrong because they're communist, but trade with China is vital to our economy.
9. Making allies in the war on terror is best accomplished by mocking our closest, oldest allies, and then asking them for money & troops.
10. Women can't be trusted to make decisions about their own reproduction, but multi-national corporations can be trusted to keep the interests of humanity without regulation.
11. A President lying about his sex life is an impeachable offense, a President lying to gain support for war is good defense policy.
12. We should spend 100s of billions of dollars and thousands of American lives to help the poor & oppressed in nations that hate us, but we should not spend a cent on social programs to help the poor & oppressed here in America.
13. Drug addiction is a moral failure & a crime, unless you're a conservative radio talk show host.
14. Group sex & drug use are also moral failures, unless you're Governor of California.
15. Stem cell research should receive no federal funding, but pharmaceuticals developing erectile dysfunction drugs should be subsidized.
16. Religious fundamentalism in the Middle East is a dire threat, religious fundamentalism in America provides a large voting bloc to be courted.

 

[cKGunslinger]

Originally posted by: Gigantopithecus
Things you have to believe to be a conservative in America:

1. Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals.
2. The US should leave the UN, but its primary reason for pre-emptive invasion & war is to enfore UN resolutions.
3. Slashing benefits for military personnel is ok if you don a flight suit and praise the troops.
4. HMOs & health insurance companies have the best interest of their customers at heart.
5. Saddam Hussein was a good guy when Reagan did business with him in the 80s, a bad guy when Bush Sr. warred against him in the early 90s, a good guy when Halliburton under Cheney did business with him in the mid 90s, and a bad guy when Bush Jr. warred against him in the early 00s.
6. If condoms are kept out of schools, kids won't have sex.
7. Global warming is junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
8. Trade with Cuba is wrong because they're communist, but trade with China is vital to our economy.
9. Making allies in the war on terror is best accomplished by mocking our closest, oldest allies, and then asking them for money & troops.
10. Women can't be trusted to make decisions about their own reproduction, but multi-national corporations can be trusted to keep the interests of humanity without regulation.
11. A President lying about his sex life is an impeachable offense, a President lying to gain support for war is good defense policy.
12. We should spend 100s of billions of dollars and thousands of American lives to help the poor & oppressed in nations that hate us, but we should not spend a cent on social programs to help the poor & oppressed here in America.
13. Drug addiction is a moral failure & a crime, unless you're a conservative radio talk show host.
14. Group sex & drug use are also moral failures, unless you're Governor of California.
15. Stem cell research should receive no federal funding, but pharmaceuticals developing erectile dysfunction drugs should be subsidized.
16. Religious fundamentalism in the Middle East is a dire threat, religious fundamentalism in America provides a large voting bloc to be courted.

:thumbsup: Some of those were ok.

 

[Stunt]

FIXED EVERYBODY, SEE NAME CHANGE AND NEW OP (2 jokes added)

 

[cKGunslinger]

What!? Jokes that make fun of my political beliefs? I am SHOCKED and OFFENDED!

 

[RightIsWrong]

Originally posted by: zendari
John Kerry was jogging down the street and sees these kittens in a pet store window. He asks the owner, "What kind of kittens are these?"

The owner replied "They're democrats."

The next week Kerry is jogging down the street with Joe Liberman and Kerry sees the kittens and tells Joe, "You gotta' see this!"

Kerry walks up to the store owner and asks, "What kind of kittens are these?"

"Republicans" the store owner replies.

"But last week you said they were democrats! Whats the difference between them then and now?" Kerry proclaims.

"They opened their eyes." The store owner responds.

See...this one at least has some humor to it.

 

[Al Neri]

Originally posted by: Tommunist

Originally posted by: Stunt
Sandy a liberal college student was looking forward to going home for the holidays and having some good debates with her conservative father. After the small talk her father asks her how she is doing in her classes. "I'm doing very well so far, I'm getting a solid 4.0 GPA but it sure takes a lot of hard work. Between classes, studying and homework there is not much time left for any social life"

That's good to hear you're doing so well her father replies, how is your friend Sally doing?

"She's not doing very well at all. She goes out partying almost every night, very rarely does any homework, and is just barely squeeking out a 2.0 GPA"

"Well how about this" her father replies "why don't you offer to give her 1 point from your GPA so she will be able to continue her education. You will both finish with a 3.0 and be able to continue next year"

Sandra replied "what are you crazy, I worked hard for my GPA and I'm not giving it up to anyone who is lazy and doesn't do any work to help themselves"

"Welcome to the conservatives dear" her father replied

worst analogy evarrrrrrr

It's the truth.

 

[1EZduzit]

You know your a conservative is you support freeing the poor Iraqis by sending over poor Americans to do the fighting.

You know your a conservative if you've never had it so good, but insist your getting screwed on your taxes.

You know your a conservative if you think your always right.

 

[cKGunslinger]

One of the more humorous things I've seen is at the politicalhumor.com website, they have a section for "Funny Bush Quotes" with the text "Update Frequently!" beside the link.

:laugh: I don't know if that was done on purpose, but it's pretty funny (and true!)

 

[cKGunslinger]

Originally posted by: 1EZduzit
You know your a conservative is you support freeing the poor Iraqis by sending over poor Americans to do the fighting.

You know your a conservative if you've never had it so good, but insist your getting screwed on your taxes.

You know your a conservative if you think your always right.

Not even gonna try, are ya?

 

[TastesLikeChicken]

OK, here are some oldies but goodies. To be fair to all sides, these are generic, so everyone can appreciate them.

Q: What's the difference between a politician and a leech?
A: A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

Q: What's the difference between a politician and a vampire?
A: vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a politician on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
A: The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead politician in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a politician and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Q: What's the difference between a politician and a bucket of cow manure?
A: The bucket.

Q: What's the difference between a politician and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a politician and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a politician?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

 

[Gigantopithecus]

Originally posted by: TastesLikeChicken
Q: What's the difference between a politician and a leech?
A: A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

Jeb Bush comes immediately to mind. Wonder how that investigation is going for him?

 

[1EZduzit]

Originally posted by: cKGunslinger

Originally posted by: 1EZduzit
You know your a conservative is you support freeing the poor Iraqis by sending over poor Americans to do the fighting.

You know your a conservative if you've never had it so good, but insist your getting screwed on your taxes.

You know your a conservative if you think your always right.

Not even gonna try, are ya?

I guess some people can tell them and some can't. Take that anyway you want.

 

[ahurtt]

Originally posted by: Darthvoy
Ahh yes... God forbid someone helps another in need.. :disgust:

Ok so who is really more in "need" in these 2 situations:

1) A guy stuck with a broken leg on a railroad track with a speeding locomotive bearing down on him.

2) A college student who is in danger of failing out of school because they spend too much time at the clubs and bars instead of studying.

I think you need to look up the definition of "need."

Yeah the joke was funny but obviously it is not possible to share your gpa points with someone else so it is not a very good analogy. Would have been better if it was something that you could actually share with somebody else but then it wouldn't be a joke I guess. . .it'd be closer to truth.

 

[shrumpage]

John Kerry walks into a bar.

Bartender says," why the long face?"

 

[kogase]

Originally posted by: shrumpage

John Kerry walks into a bar.

Bartender says," why the long face?"

That's what these political jokes tend to be really. Skip the witty build-up. Skip the witty punchline. Skip the wit entirely. Just setup any flimsy pretext whatsoever in order to take a schoolyard jab at the other guy.