I am sorry if this is a repost. I did a search for it and found nothing, so here goes:
To: All Employees
From: Management
Effective: IMMEDIATELY
Dress code:
It is advised that you should come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $400 Prada shoes and carrying an $800 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Surgery:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the CHRONIC OFFENDERS category. PLEASE BE AWARE: Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Large sized people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim-fast.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOYALTY to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplateions, conservations, and input should be directed elsewhere, such as unemployment services.
To: All Employees
From: Management
Effective: IMMEDIATELY
Dress code:
It is advised that you should come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $400 Prada shoes and carrying an $800 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Surgery:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the CHRONIC OFFENDERS category. PLEASE BE AWARE: Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Large sized people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim-fast.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOYALTY to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplateions, conservations, and input should be directed elsewhere, such as unemployment services.
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