O' Canada

[shiner]

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by
terrorists.

The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be
allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk
about."

The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service
to the crown."

The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of
national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to
talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada,
special status, distinct society and uniqueness within
diversity."

The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian
starts talking."

 

[HansHurt]

HAHAHA.......wait, why am I laughing😕 🙂

 

[kami]

A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.
The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."
"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"
The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."



Two Canadians are sitting in a bar getting bored, so they decide to play twenty questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a subject for his friend to guess and, after a little pondering, comes up with "moose cock." He tells his friend he?s ready to play.
"OK," says the second Canadian. "Is it something good to eat?"
The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it."
The second Canadian says, "Is it a moose cock?"


You Know You're Canadian When...


You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.

You head south to go to your cottage.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.

You find -40C a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorrels.

You can play road hockey on skates.

You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".

You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.

You're not offended by the term "Homo Milk".

You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine".

You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.

You drink pop, not soda.

You know what it means to be on pogey.

You know that a mickey and 4x4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!"

You can drink legally while still a 'teen.

You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.

You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.

When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.

You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and you don't want to know if he has!

You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.

You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.

You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".

You know that Mounties "don't always look like that".

You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".

You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.

You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.

You participated in "Participaction".

You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".

You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.

Like any international assasin/terrorist/spy in the world, you carry a Canadian passport.

You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.

You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize", and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.

You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.

You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.

You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.

You know what a toque is.

You have some memento of Doug and Bob.

You know Toronto is not a province.

You never miss "Coaches Corner".

Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.

You don't feel the urge to purchase maple syrup at the airport.

When in Niagara Falls, you scoff at how pathetic the American falls are compared to the Canadian ones.

You've plugged a car in overnight.

You're not easily impressed by British accents.

You're easily impressed by British accents.

You assume the channel you're watching the Super Bowl on probably isn't showing the really good commercials.

You won a copy of the Bob and Doug record on CD, but refuse to admit to anyone that you've ever said "eh" in your life.

You fly into a rage in a Los Angeles 7-Eleven because they don't sell Crispy Crunch.

You would feel safe leaving your children alone with a grown man in a leotard playing a flute to a chicken.

You've defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don't own a gun.

You actually get these jokes and send them to all your Canadian friends.

You need a list like this to explain to you what it means to be Canadian


😀

 

[kami]

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They
were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died
before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the
American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and
nurses present asked him what happened. "Well, " said the American, "I
remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the
Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter
approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a
donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out
my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other
two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over
the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.

------------

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub
together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they
were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their
pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The
American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it
as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink
and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT
YOU BASTARD!!!"

----

On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to
count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But
Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home
he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you
are from Newfoundland, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher
asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with
only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way
through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once again brought
his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from
Newfoundland, son". The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were
taking showers.Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade,
he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked
his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger
than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?" "No, son, "explained
Dad, "That's because you're 18!"


ok that's enough 😀

 

[HansHurt]

LOL, good stuff.....more please 😀

 

[TripleJ]

Hahaha, ROTFLMAO Kami. You're a machine! Keep on churning out those laughs.

 

[kami]

US Condom Factory Blows Up


President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: "Our largest
condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's
favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Bill, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power
to help you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Chretien.

Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color; at least 10" long and 4"
in diameter?" said Clinton.

"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up
and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make
1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to America."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white & blue in color; at least
10" long and 4" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the Prime Minister, "and print 'MADE IN CANADA; MEDIUM SIZE'
on
each one."

------

A Canadian tourist fell into a beer vat during a tour of the Labatt's Brewing Facility outside of Toronto today. Plant officials estimate the tourist drank fifteen gallons of beer before he could be forcefully removed from the vat.

----

Top Ten Reasons For Being Canadian

10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.

8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge frigging shotguns and cover your house in their skins.

7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

1. It beats being an American.

---

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer
for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good
trade."

----

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a
neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make
me into a Newfie?" "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I
have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The
Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation.
However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the
patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's
brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the
patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the
patient was
conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was
a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I
accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que
vous avez dit, monsieur?"

 

[TripleJ]

This is halarious.

Just wanted to mention something about this:

<<6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.>>

Well a former Prime Minister here in Australia was actually the Australian Beer Drinking Champion. What a legend! Now that's an easy road to popularity! 😛

 

[sandorski]

hehehehehahahahaahHOHOHOHOHOH!

 

[littleprince]

those were funnie....