Not Again!!!!

[Frenchie]

Yes, again. More jokes. Here ya go...............


There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around the buildings. After he has made the rounds, the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"

The captain says, "Well, sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go in there and use the camel."

"Enough!" says the commander in disgust.

Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain. Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free any time soon?" The captain opens his book and tells the commander that the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at 2:00. "Put me down for 2:00 then," the commander says.

So, the next day at 2:00, the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool. So, he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel.

A minute later the captain walks in.
"Ahem, begging your pardon," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"

 

[Frenchie]

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey and butter.)
Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it . The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"

 

[Frenchie]

PRISON v. A FULL-TIME JOB

In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the
doors yourself.
In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you're just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you can't even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are sadistic wardens.
At work, we have managers.

 

[Frenchie]

Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score" from Men's Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115.

Simple Duties
-------------
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her father: -10

Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons
-------------------
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months:+30
You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day:-10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out with Your Pals
--------------------------
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just The Two of You
--------------------------------
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25

Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

 

[zippy]

LOL...good ones. 🙂

 

[Frenchie]

More on the way.... 🙂

 

[Frenchie]

Definitions:

DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of $, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like now, but will learn to like a lot less.

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny people meet.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as taking a pill, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND - A member of the opposite sex who is unattractive or has some other flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABITS - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIONSHIPS - the less you care about a given man, the harder he is to get rid of.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

POTATO CHIPS - the hors d'oeuvres served at a party given by a man.

SOBER - a condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

 

[Frenchie]

Redneck etiquette

Some tips from Bubba....

PERSONAL HYGIENE
----------------
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

DINING OUT
----------
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
-------------------------
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

DATING (Outside the Family)
---------------------------
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
-----------------
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
--------
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
-----------------
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
----------------------
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

 

[Frenchie]

THE LAST TEN THINGS ANY GUY WOULD EVER SAY:

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother f*****.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right.
7. Her t**s are too big.
6. Sometimes, I just want to be held.
5. That chick on "murder She Wrote" gives me a woody
4. Sure, I would love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.
2. Forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost. Maybe I should pull over and ask for directions.

 

[Frenchie]

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDNT SAY OUT LOUD IN VICTORIA'S SECRET

#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?
#5 No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!

and the number one thing that man should never, ever say aloud in Victoria's Secret:

#1 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!!

 

[Frenchie]

101 things NOT to say during sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

 

[Frenchie]

Farm Humor

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto
to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a beautiful mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he
too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right."
And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the
field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he
went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

 

[Frenchie]

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man
replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's d*ck off".
The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

 

[Frenchie]

One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.
Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son, we're a family."
So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

 

[Frenchie]

A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..."
The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"
"Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend." "Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary's and may the Lord be with you."
The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it."
"Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench.
"You see Father, I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees."
"And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried. "No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree."
"That must have been when you cursed?" "No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!"
"And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly. "No, no.."
The Father interjected, "Don't tell me you missed the f*cking putt?"

 

[Frenchie]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a
piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

 

[Frenchie]

A lawyer, architect and a priest were lost in the woods when they came upon a house. They knocked on the door and asked the farmer if they could spend the night there.
"Sure," said the farmer, "but I only have two rooms in the house and one of you will have to sleep in the barn. "
So after a brief discussion, the architect decided to sleep in the barn.
An hour later the architect comes back and says: "I can't sleep there, the pig's pen isn't structurally safe."
So the Priest says that he will go down there. An hour later he comes back up and says: "I can't sleep down there, it's against my religion."
So the lawyer decides to go.
An hour later the pigs came up and knocked on the door.

 

[Frenchie]

"The Stowaway"

A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
"Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. What did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. "I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me." "He sure did, lady," said the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 

[Frenchie]

Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

Q: How can you spot the blind guy in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Q: What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.

Q: How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
A: Wipe your d*ck on the curtains.

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks.

 

[Frenchie]

HONK IF YOU LOVE THE LORD

The other day, I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a "HONK
IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back of my
car, and I'm really glad I did, What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked!
I found lots of people who loved Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because, pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled" JESUS CHRIST! as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting "GO, JESUS CHRIST, GO!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and
smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a "sunny beach" and saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian Good Luck sign so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well but it sounded like, "MOVE YOU TRUCKER". Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there, I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

 

[Frenchie]

The mother superior who usually tended to Fr. Jerome's every need was about to take a much deserved vacation.
Taking her place would be a new young novice, who this day was about to begin her training.
Mother superior began by taking the novice through her daily routine: start by waking Fr. Jerome; then prepare his breakfast, make his bed, lay out his clothes for the day; go about cleaning the rectory until he returns for dinner, at which time she cooks his dinner, cleans the dining room; and then ends the day by drawing his bath, washing his back, preparing his bed for sleep and tucking him in at night.
They went through this routine for a few more days, and when mother superior felt the novice was ready, she left for her 2-week vacation. The first day began fine. The novice woke Fr. Jerome, prepared his breakfast and performed the rest of her duties most satisfactorily. When he returned, she prepared him a most delicious
dinner, then proceeded to the bathroom to draw his bath. As she bent down to wash his back, she couldn't help but notice the thing between his legs.
"Oh, my, Fr. Jerome, what's that thing between your legs?" she asked, pointing to his male member.
"My dear, that is the key to heaven," he explained; "Do you think you'd like to go to heaven?"
"Why yes, Fr. Jerome, yes I would!" she replied excitedly.
With that, he promptly lead her to his bedroom, where they proceeded to go to heaven. This continued every night for two weeks, until mother superior returned.
Upon her return, she asked the novice if everything went ok. "Oh yes, mother superior, everything was just wonderful. I did everything you said ... I woke Fr. Jerome every morning, prepared his breakfast, made his bed, cleaned the rectory, made dinner, drew his bath, washed his back, and then we went to heaven every night for two weeks."
"What do you mean," mother superior inquired, "how did you go to heaven every night for two weeks?"
"Well," the young novice began, "when I went to give Fr. Jerome his bath, I asked him what that thing was between his legs. He told me it was the key to heaven, and if I'd like he could take me to heaven. So we did, every night for two weeks."
"Well that bastard!" exclaimed mother superior in quite a huff. "He told me it was Gabriel's horn, and I've been blowing it all these years."

 

[Frenchie]

Written by experts; men!
----------
Some rules for women:

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

Butthead is the smart one.

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."

Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.

Socks never constitute a gift.

Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers,tires or sporting equipment nearby.

We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.

We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.

Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.

Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."

Curley is the bald one.

Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.

Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.

Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.

Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.

Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All we do is try to imagine what the cute sales ladies are wearing underneath.

 

[Frenchie]

This guy met a blond lady and starts talking to her. She told him right away, ? look, don?t treat me like I am stupid just because I am blond. I am educated and have a good job. I am very smart. I know all the states and their capitals.? The guy said, ?I don?t believe that you know all that.? She said, ?try me.? He thought for a minute and said, ?okay, Wisconsin.? She frowned, thinking very hardly and finally got it. ?W? she said.

 

[Frenchie]

This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what he?ll have to swill. As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender givers a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he?s filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.
His curiosity gets the better of him, and he asks the man what he?s got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it down on the bar...the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag...pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.
The bartender says, ?wow, he can sure play the piano, where?d you get him??
The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, ?here, go ahead and rub it.?
So the bartender says, ?Is there a real genie in there??
The guy says, ?Yes, just rub it and see.?
So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp...and out pops this genie.
She says, ?I will grant you one wish, and one wish only.?
So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, ?Okay, I?d like a million bucks.?
The genie disappears...and they?re both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears...and another, and another...and it continues.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, ?I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks.?
And the man says, ?Yes, I know, do you really think that I wanted a twelve inch pianist??

 

[Frenchie]

One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk. She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter.

Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it. "Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.

On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. "Honey," he says, "we've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had a heart-to-heart talk.
What the hell is in that trunk?" The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex. "I don't care," he tells her. "After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything.
Now open this goddamn trunk!" So, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and 25 thousand dollars in cash.

"Jeez!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here? Where did all of this come from?"

"Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk."

The husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, "All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three times of infidelity in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?"
"Well," she replies, "whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."