- Nov 29, 1999
- 16,408
- 57
- 91
So I was driving home from work this evening on the service road along-side the Hwy (as I only needed to go a few exits and the Hwy was packed.) And I get to this traffic light.
Now, the service road has 4 lanes (5, if you count the left-most u-turn lane.) The left-most for turning left, under the overpass. The 2nd to left-most, which can either turn left or continue straight. My lane, which is straight only. And the far right, which is right-turn only.
So, the far right (which was not a continuous lane, but rather, one created a couple of dozen yards from the light, just for a right turn-only lane) was under construction - had orange cones in it and was blocked off. That means that anyone wanting to turn right was in the same lane as I. But I wasn't turning right, I was going straight ahead.
[click here for obligatory paint diagram]
[In this diagram, my car is represented by the noble letter "q," while the car directly behind me is labeled with the meddlesome "m."]
So, I don't know if I was at fault for being in the "new" turning-only lane, or if the lane now served the dual-purpose of facilitating both right-turners, as well as straight-goers. There were certainly no lane remarking, no lane shifts, etc. It still had the painted "only go straight arrow" on the surface. Had I realized that the right-most lane was closed, I probably would have moved to the left, but, alas, this was 5:30, and the road was packed.
Anyway, I'm the first car at the light. The light's red, and there are cars going cross-ways. The car behind me has its turn-signal on.
The driver is a rather attractive female (no pics, sorry.) She appears to be 25-ish, heavily platinum-blonde streaks, tons of make-up, expensive-looking nails. I could see her nails, because she was talking on cell and was doing that "this isn't a cell-phone, it's a highly-radioactive chunk of dog shit, so I must hold it precariously, with two fingers only, and angle it very awkwardly from my face while I make very animated talking gestures" style of cell-phone usage that I, incidentally, find rather annoying witness for any length of time.
My initial thought was, "She's a cutie." My second thought, after watching her gab on the phone for a few seconds in my rear-view was, "I also bet she's a bitch." I tell ya, sometimes, I sure can call them.
So, sure enough, cross-traffic dwindles, and a right-turn is possible, had that been my intended goal. Alas, it wasn't. But it was hers. So I get a honk. At first I'm not even sure if it was her, or a car further back. I glanced in my mirror and see no gestures or indication that she honked at me. Cross traffic picks back up momentarily, then died down, this time for good.
Another honk, this one 2-3 seconds in length. I check my rear-view and sure enough, see her motioning to the right. I give her, what I imagine to be, the "Sorry, I'm going straight" signal. At this time, the "right-turn arrow" appears on the signal. I sit.
I get a ~10-second honk. Ten seconds may not seem like a long time, but you sit there with your stop-watch and make a hugely-annoying sound for 10 whole seconds. Also, I have my window down (awesome evening weather,) and it's rather loud.
So I turn in my seat and give her a very exaggerated, "I'm going straight, not turning" signal. Meanwhile, she's frantically waving her hands, pointing at the light, and making right-turn motions. She honks a few more times. And by few, I mean 7 or 8. As I get ready to roll up my window, she leans out of hers and screams, "The fucking light is green, you god-damned asshole!"
At this point, I'm not sure if I'm in the wrong, but regardless, I'm not going to turn when I'll have a green light in a half-a-minute or thereabouts. I also felt that she should realize that by now, so I fire back out of my open window, "That arrow doesn't help me if I'm not turning, you antagonistic wise and beautiful woman!"
Now, the reason why I chose that particular epithet was because, while "stupid bitch" first popped in my head, I realized that since I could very well be in the wrong lane, she wasn't necessarily "stupid," but she certainly was antagonistic. But since "antagonistic" wasn't quite as demeaning as "stupid," and she was beginning to royally damage my "what a nice evening" mood, I made a spur-of-the-moment line-up change and went with the c-word. Maybe not the best choice, as there could have been more sensitive ears in nearby cars, but, such is life.
The horn starts blatting again, so I roll up my windows. Shame. Then I glance back and see this girl practically frothing at the mouth and literally turning bright red as she pounds on her horn, flips me off repeatedly, switching hands with her horn. I start to chuckle, then break out in a full-on guffaw as she approaches purple. She finally settles on using both hands to hold down her noise button, and keeps it that way until the light turns all green, some 10-15 seconds later.
I slowly drive forward, giving her a "See, I'm going straight" smile and wave, and she gives me the finger, first from inside, then out the window, then inside, then out the window again as she turns right and speeds off.
I have no ending for this. I chuckled for a bit more, then went to CostCo and bought a chicken bake and a swirl.
Story: 2/10
Dinner: 9/10
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