In a joint venture with Mercury, VW is bringing back the Capri convertible. The new Capri is VW's attempt to further secure their lock on the 15-year-old-girl-with-learning-permit and violently-raging-homosexual markets. VW says the new Capri will be available in a variety of pastel colors designed to match with scrunchies, training bras, and pink polo shirts with perma-flipped collars. Also in the works is the Capri S.T.U.D., which will feature black leather seats whose upholstry will be held together with metal rings. When the S.T.U.D. is started, the navigation system greets drivers with RuPaul's voice encouraging them to, "Ride 'em, cowboy, ooh hoo!" All Capri's will be powered by VW's 1.8 liter turbocharged 4 cylinder, famous for breaking, catching on fire, or both, and the Capri will be rear-engined, so that owners of the Capri can greet road-side service dispatchers with the hilarious pun, "My ass has been devastated!" (The phrase is even included in the owner's manual, on the first page, which is entitled "Congratulations on Your First Catastophic Mechanical Failure!").
VW CEO Bernd Pischetsrieder, fresh from the tremendously dissapointing launches of the Phaeton and Jetta, told shareholders Friday that the new Capri, "will tickle the fancy of sassy sailors from the Golden Gate to Grand Old Paris, and look good doing it, toots. You know!"
In related news, United Boyfriends of America and the Christian Coalition, long-time enemies for their opposing views on premarital sex, have joined forces to protest the Capri. UBoA issued a statement Wednesday saying, "You know we'll end up having to drive that turd because our girlfriends are going to want the 'man' to drive. We cannot sit by idly and watch our budding manhood stripped away from us." The CC's Thursday press release stated simply, "The Capri is not part of God's plan and constitutes a pointed attack on the family values we hold dearly in this country." VW could not be reached for comment at press time.
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