Need some advice...

[Mears]

Ok, here is a little background...(please bear with me)

I've been seeing a girl since May 98 and seriously since October 98. Everything has been pretty good, but this year we don't live in the same area any more due to us going to seperate schools, but we still try to see each other as much as we can. Anyways, we are open with each other and both of us have access to each others e-mail accounts. I was looking through hers one day and I see a couple of messages from a guy a know, but am not friends with that had been sent over the last couple of weeks. I was curious why he was e-mailing her and when I asked her about it she said that I was worrying over nothing becuase he is "gay" and they are just friends. I don't know the guy very well so I figured it was possible and the e-mails were just casual. But I remained suspicious and decided to make it a habbit to check her account more frequently. The next day he e-mailed her back again, but this time it was a little more flirtatious. That is when I started getting angry. Since, I had no way of knowing what she was sending back to him, I decided to do something a little deceiving to figure out just what was going on. This guy uses his first and last names seperated by an underscore for his hotmail address so I made an almost indistinguishible address by changing one letter that is not obvious thinking that she would probably just replies to messages instead of actually typing out the full address. I then made my name identical to his and sent her a fairly romantic e-mail inviting her on a date:

> Hey, deleted . How are you doing? I'm so dreading track practice
>today. How have your practices been going so far? I can't wait
>until we run against you guys. Hey, do you think that you'll have
>any spare time during the next couple weeks? I have a great place
>where I'd like to take you to dinner if you're interested.
>
>Let me know,

(I know some of you are probably thinking that was a horrible thing to do, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't find out what was going on) I then waited and waited and waited and finally after 1 week she checked her e-mail. I looked in her account and noticed that she deleted the fake e-mail I sent her so I wouldn't see it, which infuriated me. Then I convinced myself that I was overreacting and that she probably just deleted it because it was no big deal and that she had replied to him explaining that she has a boyfriend and was not interested in doing anything with him. I then checked my fake account and found this:

"Hey,

Like I said I never check this thing, but I am now. I hate practice we run so much in comparison to what we used to and nobody is running. Everybody is playing soccer or softball for girls and most of the boys play baseball. We are going to suck so bad this year. We run like 6 or 7 miles everday and do those dumb ass drills that I absolutely hate. Anyway I do like the new coaches though they actually care about us. How is your team doing? Probably awesome. Are you going to showcase? If so look for me I'm in it dancing and for athletics. My school is big into it I don't know if yours is but you have to talk to me there if you are going. I'll let you know about dinner wait until this week is over ok. Then we can go I am ways busy this week, but it sounds fun. Anyway gotta go"

Of course this broke my heart and now I am feeling really sick and depressed. I'm kinda mad at myself for doing this because if I didn't, everything would still be ok, and I wouldn't know what I know now. If you guys were in my situation what would you do?

 

[Total Refected Power]

You are not a trusting fellow heh? Yes, you went over the line and should be ashamed of yourself.

Anyway, it seems that she is just being friendly. It doesn't seem like a date to me. Just friends going out.

I would get a handle on my insecurity!

 

[Mears]

TRP, you're telling me if you lived 180 miles away from your girlfriend and she accepted an invitation to dinner with someone who she doesn't even no very well you wouldn't be mad? It's not like these two are good friends. She barely knows him, he goes to a school 35 miles away from her(They are HS seniors). The only time they have ever seen each other is at a couple track meets last year and I forgot to mention my brother told me last year that he was flirting with her. I still don't understand how he got her e-mail address since like I mentioned before, as far as I *know* they haven't even seen each other since approx. 1 year ago so it seemed very odd that he would just e-mail her 1 year later out of the blue.

 

[gittyup]

You asked for advice, so, here is mine.

I agree with TRP, get a grip on the insecurity. Then, stop reading too much into things. I would see your point if the email responded with , "I can't wait to get my hands on your....". But, that doesn't seem like the case. Also, do you have any female friends, other than this girl? Even though you are both open with your email accounts, if you respect her at all, keep your nose out of her email account. I would suggest the same for her, but she probably isn't going through yours. Finally, has there been a prior instance of her cheating? If not, give her some trust....

 

[iamwiz82]

yeah, checking her email to see what she is doing is pretty bad. Tell her that you would feel more comfortable if she did not converse with him.

 

[luckydragon]

you guys have been going out for a long time, after all these YEARS you still dont trust her?

 

[Azraele]

Mears: A huge part of relationship is based on trust. What you did was sneaky. Think of it from her perspective. If she says this guy is gay, and just a friend, then what's wrong with dinner with a friend. She knows he's not "hitting on her" because he's gay. It's just a friendly dinner. Now if she's lying to you, that's a problem (it does not make what you did any more justified, however). Sounds like you two need to get together and sit down for a heart to heart to figure out where you stand.

 

[BigSmooth]

Have you considered that maybe she is telling the truth and he is gay? If so, your initial e-mail wouldn't have sounded "romantic" to her at all, it would have just been a friend inviting her to a favorite restaurant.
I don't know what your brother may have seen and considered "flirting", or what you consider "flirtatious" from his earlier e-mails, but if they were anything like the fake one you sent, then your jealousy is clouding your judgment.

And as to why your girlfriend may have hidden her friendship from you, maybe she knew you would get jealous and upset... and deceitful.

Just a few things to consider.

Edit: Azraele, my sentiments exactly.

 

[Elita1]

Mears, I agree with Azraele.
If you really care about her you will be honest. Sit down with her for a serious talk about your relationship and ask for her honesty as well. What you did was inexcusable but if you want to fix it this is the best thing to do.
I sincerely hope that it really was a harmless friendship she has with the other guy for your sake, but I also hope that you can start being a little more trusting and respectful. These things are important in a relationship.
I wish you luck!

 

[Yo Ma Ma]

Even if you have/had a open policy regarding your email, you've gone past that agreement. To be honest I think what you did will become apparent to her at some time in the future. If you still have a relationship at that point, I would have concerns what finding that out will do to it.

 

[cipher00]

Agreed, so far. IMO, you are overreacting. Please get a grip before you end up doing/saying something you'll regret. Ppl have friends, and the more diverse the friends (gender, culture, etc.), the better the experience.

 

[Mears]

Ok...the reason we had the entire open e-mail policy was to avoid situations like this from ever occuring. At first I believed that she was telling the truth and that he was gay, but the more he wrote to her the less I believed it and then I remembered my brother(who ran track) telling me about this same guy hitting on her last year(I just shrugged it off and forgot about it until now), which is why I decided to do the whole e-mail thing, and don't you think it is a little odd that she deleted that e-mail out of her account and left the other ones from him there. Obviously, she was trying to hide it from me. Of course, I acknowledge what I did was wrong, but that was the only way I could see myself shedding any light on the matter. If I asked her about it and it was true, I know she wouldn't admit it to me. And it's not that I don't trust her, but it is very difficult to go from a relationship where you spend every waking moment together to only seeing each other one weekend a month. Then one time she said to me, "With you being gone all the time, it doesn't seem like we're even together any more," which didn't help any. Finally, yes I deserved to be flamed a little for what I did, but don't you think it is blind trust that prevents wives from leaving their cheating husbands.

*EDIT* Bigsmooth I missed your post which deals with a lot of things I just mentioned. Just letting you know so you don't repeat yourself.

gittyup: Well she did leave her previous boyfriend(my ex-bestfriend) for me...

 

[ArkAoss]

This was a CloseDistanceRelationship, cdr's arn't convertable into LDR's. usually.
LDR's can become CDR's, but if you've been together for 3yrs, trust her, oh and rough ages?if your insecure about posting ages, PM.

 

[Mears]

I'm 19 she's 18

 

[Tauren]

If you don't have trust...You don't have a true relationship.

 

[vi edit]

Hehe he *is* a dancer...he could be gay

 

[warcleric]

You were way out of line, and it has gotten you nowhere except more upset. If my significant other had a problem with me going to dinner with a friend of the opposite sex, I would probably leave her. If she cannot trust me then there is nothing to build on. You cannot control this girl, if she wants to cheat on you she will, no matter what you do or say. You just have to live and hope for the best, wll the while, being trusting of her. If she betrays your trust, then so be it, you find someone who is worthy of your trust. At 19 you are probably just insecure about relationships, it will come with age.

 

[Mears]

vi_edit: That's my girlfriend who is a dancer

 

[ArkAoss]

so what mears, my gf is a massuese, and could be a dancer.

 

[Mears]

ArkRoss, what are you talking about? My post was aimed towards Vi_edit who thought that it was the guy who is the dancer, when it is my girlfriend. I wasn't bragging about my girlfriend.

 

[ArkAoss]

knew that, just joshin ya.

suggestion, usually hotmail people have some sort of profile setion (yahoo acct's do) check into his profile, maybe he openly admits to being, uh gay, and you can relax. Of course, my gf hangs with ton's of guys, and is always makin cracks about them being gay... so maybe your gf is joshin you....

whatever you do, don't tell her, try to be mature thru it all, its rare to be able to monitor the comunications of your gf that way, don't abuse it. It'd be like me wire tapping my gf's house. She'd uh, flip.
try to be mature.

 

[vi edit]

Whoops

That's what I get for trying to answer the phone and read a post at the same time.

BTW - If trust is an issue in your relationship, I don't think that you are helping the situation any.