Need relationship advice...

[voodoodrul]

Here's the deal.. Just moved in with a girl that I thought was level-headed and mature. It turns out that whatever personal space I used to have has been taken as "our time".. I'm basically not allowed to do anything except think of things we have to do together. Example: I played an MMO for 2 hours this weekend, then we went to a BBQ. Came home at 8pm and decided to sign back on 'cause there wasn't much else to do. It hit the fan when I did that. She said "are we ever gonna do something together?" and I said "we were out with your friends all day.. but if you want to do something, just throw out suggestions.." and she said "great, I'm glad we've filled our time together quota for the day.." and left for a few hours. She came back and basically expected me to be in tears and that because I wasn't, I apparently can't show emotions.. She keeps talking about compromise, but I don't think she understands what that word means. I've done my part and cut my time in front of this machine down to (in my mind) almost zero.. Now it's time to realize life isn't a party. Most days aren't an exciting thrill ride and it's not my job to entertain her. Of course, I told her about all this before we moved in, saying I know she would freak right the hell out the first day I actually *play* a game. She honestly believes that 2 hours of game time is rediculous.

Basically, if I get near a computer, she will just up and leave. It's a common problem a lot of people have, and I know there is only one real solution that will work here because she is so stubborn - turn it off and walk away.

Anyway, someone throw ideas/comments at me. I'm a bit pissed at the moment. Oh yeah, and she is still sleeping in the other room..

 

[Acanthus]

Sounds like youve got a selfish one.

High maintinence gfs suck. (i know from experience)

 

[aircooled]

split up. it ain't going to work.

 

[voodoodrul]

Originally posted by: aircooled
split up. it ain't going to work.

A man of few words.. and while I've really already "been here, done that" before, I'm guessing someone out there will have magical advice, huh? Yeah, I'm naive enough to buy it.. ;o)

 

[Nikamichi]

If your relationship is so boring that you have to play an MMO for 2 hours, especially during the weekend, you've got other issues to worry about.

 

[gopunk]

um, i think she just wants to have your attention and feel loved... it sounds like a temporary thing, not like she's going to demand that you always spend time with her, but that she's just feeling a little deprived right now. bbq doesn't really count because that was a group thing.

 

[voodoodrul]

Originally posted by: Nikamichi
If your relationship is so boring that you have to play an MMO for 2 hours, especially during the weekend, you've got other issues to worry about.

Uh huh.. the weekend is the only free time I have to play, and 2 hours isn't asking too much. I can assure you that you've been in front of your computer at least that much this weekend..

And since when did playing an MMO mean you cannot have a relationship? It doesn't matter if it's an MMO or any other game.. It's because I'm doing something by myself.

I don't see life as being one or the other. By that logic, anyone on Anandtech forums probably shouldn't have a girlfriend because their relationship is "so boring"..

Life is hard.. The new wears off and reality sets in.. I'm not a slave.. Growl..

 

[Nikamichi]

Originally posted by: gopunk
um, i think she just wants to have your attention and feel loved... it sounds like a temporary thing, not like she's going to demand that you always spend time with her, but that she's just feeling a little deprived right now. bbq doesn't really count because that was a group thing.

:thumbsup:

Girl first, MMO later (as in, when she's not around. In the "other room" doesn't count).

 

[Ciber]

Originally posted by: Nikamichi
If your relationship is so boring that you have to play an MMO for 2 hours, especially during the weekend, you've got other issues to worry about.

I think you're missing the point. You can't seriously believe that a relationship is boring just because you don't want to spend every waking moment with your SO.

Some people jog, bike, run or whatever, he likes to play games. The point is he's not getting his personal time, which by the sounds of it she'd have a problem with it regardless of it being games or him going for a 2 hour jog.

We all have hobbies or things we like to do by ourselves and being in a relationship where we can't do that is a big issue.

 

[Nikamichi]

Originally posted by: Ciber

Originally posted by: Nikamichi
If your relationship is so boring that you have to play an MMO for 2 hours, especially during the weekend, you've got other issues to worry about.

I think you're missing the point. You can't seriously believe that a relationship is boring just because you don't want to spend every waking moment with your SO.

Some people jog, bike, run or whatever, he likes to play games. The point is he's not getting his personal time, which by the sounds of it she'd have a problem with it regardless of it being games or him going for a 2 hour jog.

We all have hobbies or things we like to do by ourselves and being in a relationship where we can't do that is a big issue.

If she's bitching about his habits, she's either a controlling woman or simply isn't getting enough TLC. If voodoodrul thinks going to a BBQ is spending quality time together, I'd believe the latter.

 

[voodoodrul]

Originally posted by: gopunk
um, i think she just wants to have your attention and feel loved... it sounds like a temporary thing, not like she's going to demand that you always spend time with her, but that she's just feeling a little deprived right now. bbq doesn't really count because that was a group thing.

She pretty much sees time in front of a computer as a slap in the face to her.. She made it quite clear that time in her presence is supposed to be "our time".. Living with someone doesn't work like that.

And sure, the BBQ thing doesn't count I guess, but instead of freaking out, she could have suggested something to do. I was fresh out of ideas and personally had no problem with the idea of staying in and playing for once.. I don't think I made this clear, but I haven't played the MMO more than a handful of hours in the last 9 months.. Probably no more than 12 hours.

 

[Compudork]

Simply talk to her about it - but not on the defensive, don't wait until she comes at you. It's actually best after you do something together, make her dinner or something. Sit her down and explain how you enjoy doing your own thing and playing PC games. Explain how you don't want to end up resenting her if you guys suffocate one another, so some "me" time will add to the relationship and allow you guys to grow more fond of your time together and not fall into the trap where you take everything for granted. This way she understands that it's healthy, and you can twist it a bit to make it sound like you're doing it for her too.

But seriously, if it doesn't fly, reconsider the relationship. While it may seem temporary, (people do change) this seems more like a personality/relationship expectations thing. If it's her personality, it will never change - if it's a difference in your expectations of each other you ought to sit down to be sure you want the same things. If not, go your seperate ways.

Lucky, me and my girl had this conversation early on, and we're more than willing to blow each other off for games and other interests - and neither is offended because of it. I can't stress enough how just talking it out and being honest pays off in the end. There's no reason to ever give up what you like to do for someone, it never ends well.

 

[Red Dawn]

Originally posted by: voodoodrul
Here's the deal.. Just moved in with a girl that I thought was level-headed and mature. It turns out that whatever personal space I used to have has been taken as "our time".. I'm basically not allowed to do anything except think of things we have to do together. Example: I played an MMO for 2 hours this weekend, then we went to a BBQ. Came home at 8pm and decided to sign back on 'cause there wasn't much else to do. It hit the fan when I did that. She said "are we ever gonna do something together?" and I said "we were out with your friends all day.. but if you want to do something, just throw out suggestions.." and she said "great, I'm glad we've filled our time together quota for the day.." and left for a few hours. She came back and basically expected me to be in tears and that because I wasn't, I apparently can't show emotions.. She keeps talking about compromise, but I don't think she understands what that word means. I've done my part and cut my time in front of this machine down to (in my mind) almost zero.. Now it's time to realize life isn't a party. Most days aren't an exciting thrill ride and it's not my job to entertain her. Of course, I told her about all this before we moved in, saying I know she would freak right the hell out the first day I actually *play* a game. She honestly believes that 2 hours of game time is rediculous.

Basically, if I get near a computer, she will just up and leave. It's a common problem a lot of people have, and I know there is only one real solution that will work here because she is so stubborn - turn it off and walk away.

Anyway, someone throw ideas/comments at me. I'm a bit pissed at the moment. Oh yeah, and she is still sleeping in the other room..

Time to bail, it's not going to get any better.

 

[LookingGlass]

Originally posted by: Ciber

Originally posted by: Nikamichi
If your relationship is so boring that you have to play an MMO for 2 hours, especially during the weekend, you've got other issues to worry about.

I think you're missing the point. You can't seriously believe that a relationship is boring just because you don't want to spend every waking moment with your SO.

Some people jog, bike, run or whatever, he likes to play games. The point is he's not getting his personal time, which by the sounds of it she'd have a problem with it regardless of it being games or him going for a 2 hour jog.

We all have hobbies or things we like to do by ourselves and being in a relationship where we can't do that is a big issue.

I agree, as long as everything else is done, you're being responsible, you have spent time with her. I see nothing wrong with a bit of me time. Everybody needs *me* time. They spent the day together, and that wasn't good enough for her? She needs to realize this, or you two will have further problems. I would have a good heart to heart with her, hopefully this will be something you two can work on, and workout.

 

[gopunk]

Originally posted by: voodoodrul

Originally posted by: gopunk
um, i think she just wants to have your attention and feel loved... it sounds like a temporary thing, not like she's going to demand that you always spend time with her, but that she's just feeling a little deprived right now. bbq doesn't really count because that was a group thing.

She pretty much sees time in front of a computer as a slap in the face to her.. She made it quite clear that time in her presence is supposed to be "our time".. Living with someone doesn't work like that.

And sure, the BBQ thing doesn't count I guess, but instead of freaking out, she could have suggested something to do. I was fresh out of ideas and personally had no problem with the idea of staying in and playing for once.. I don't think I made this clear, but I haven't played the MMO more than a handful of hours in the last 9 months.. Probably no more than 12 hours.

well, you know the situation better than i, obviously... but i suspect that once you figure out how to make her feel loved, then things will get better. even if you spend all day with her, if she's not feeling loved, then she's still going to be pissed when you spend time at the computer.

 

[aircooled]

Originally posted by: Red Dawn
Time to bail, it's not going to get any better.

Yep

 

[voodoodrul]

Originally posted by: Nikamichi

Originally posted by: Ciber

Originally posted by: Nikamichi
If your relationship is so boring that you have to play an MMO for 2 hours, especially during the weekend, you've got other issues to worry about.

I think you're missing the point. You can't seriously believe that a relationship is boring just because you don't want to spend every waking moment with your SO.

Some people jog, bike, run or whatever, he likes to play games. The point is he's not getting his personal time, which by the sounds of it she'd have a problem with it regardless of it being games or him going for a 2 hour jog.

We all have hobbies or things we like to do by ourselves and being in a relationship where we can't do that is a big issue.

If she's bitching about his habits, she's either a controlling woman or simply isn't getting enough TLC. If voodoodrul thinks going to a BBQ is spending quality time together, I'd believe the latter.

I'm not saying going to a BBQ is quality time together.. I'm thinking if she wants me to be affectionate, maybe she should quit being such a cold, controlling person. I don't want to be around someone who wants to mold me into a different person. A person who spends every ounce of energy devoted to her.

 

[voodoodrul]

Originally posted by: Compudork
Simply talk to her about it - but not on the defensive, don't wait until she comes at you. It's actually best after you do something together, make her dinner or something. Sit her down and explain how you enjoy doing your own thing and playing PC games. Explain how you don't want to end up resenting her if you guys suffocate one another, so some "me" time will add to the relationship and allow you guys to grow more fond of your time together and not fall into the trap where you take everything for granted. This way she understands that it's healthy, and you can twist it a bit to make it sound like you're doing it for her too.

But seriously, if it doesn't fly, reconsider the relationship. While it may seem temporary, (people do change) this seems more like a personality/relationship expectations thing. If it's her personality, it will never change - if it's a difference in your expectations of each other you ought to sit down to be sure you want the same things. If not, go your seperate ways.

Lucky, me and my girl had this conversation early on, and we're more than willing to blow each other off for games and other interests - and neither is offended because of it. I can't stress enough how just talking it out and being honest pays off in the end. There's no reason to ever give up what you like to do for someone, it never ends well.

Sure, I will talk to her about it and this is good advice. But I feel like this would be telling a child how a living-together relationship is supposed to work. It would seem condecending if I were on the receiving end. And you are right, she does have totally different expectations than I.

I have tried to explain how we need personal space - saying basically as you said that there needs to be a division between our personal time and "our time". She agrees on the surface, but she doesn't really understand what she just agreed to and makes the same expectations as before..

Remember, she has never actually lived with someone else before, so all her expectations were pretty much shattered, I'm sure. Welcome to life I say..

Growl

 

[gopunk]

Originally posted by: voodoodrul

Originally posted by: Nikamichi

Originally posted by: Ciber

Originally posted by: Nikamichi
If your relationship is so boring that you have to play an MMO for 2 hours, especially during the weekend, you've got other issues to worry about.

I think you're missing the point. You can't seriously believe that a relationship is boring just because you don't want to spend every waking moment with your SO.

Some people jog, bike, run or whatever, he likes to play games. The point is he's not getting his personal time, which by the sounds of it she'd have a problem with it regardless of it being games or him going for a 2 hour jog.

We all have hobbies or things we like to do by ourselves and being in a relationship where we can't do that is a big issue.

If she's bitching about his habits, she's either a controlling woman or simply isn't getting enough TLC. If voodoodrul thinks going to a BBQ is spending quality time together, I'd believe the latter.

I'm not saying going to a BBQ is quality time together.. I'm thinking if she wants me to be affectionate, maybe she should quit being such a cold, controlling person. I don't want to be around someone who wants to mold me into a different person. A person who spends every ounce of energy devoted to her.

it's going to be a vicious cycle if you think like that... she's cold and controlling because she doesn't think you care about her, you're unwilling to do anything differently until she's not cold and controlling... it's just going to be a downward spiral from there unless you break out of it.

my 2 cents... you said you thought she was level headed and mature, why not take a chance and try to address her needs? it doesn't work to just ask what she wants and do it... 1) she doesn't always know what she wants exactly... when she says spend more time together, it doesn't just mean more time, it means more quality time that leaves her feeling loved, 2) just asking and then doing can come across as passive aggressive and like you're just doing it to get her to shut up. you should want to do it to make her happy because you care about her.

don't take it personally, like she's trying to change you or something... approach as a problem to be solved... all that is relevant is her perception. if it costs too much to solve the problem, i.e., she has emotional needs that take too much to attend to, then look at getting out.

 

[Nikamichi]

Originally posted by: gopunk

Originally posted by: voodoodrul

Originally posted by: Nikamichi

Originally posted by: Ciber

Originally posted by: Nikamichi
If your relationship is so boring that you have to play an MMO for 2 hours, especially during the weekend, you've got other issues to worry about.

I think you're missing the point. You can't seriously believe that a relationship is boring just because you don't want to spend every waking moment with your SO.

Some people jog, bike, run or whatever, he likes to play games. The point is he's not getting his personal time, which by the sounds of it she'd have a problem with it regardless of it being games or him going for a 2 hour jog.

We all have hobbies or things we like to do by ourselves and being in a relationship where we can't do that is a big issue.

If she's bitching about his habits, she's either a controlling woman or simply isn't getting enough TLC. If voodoodrul thinks going to a BBQ is spending quality time together, I'd believe the latter.

I'm not saying going to a BBQ is quality time together.. I'm thinking if she wants me to be affectionate, maybe she should quit being such a cold, controlling person. I don't want to be around someone who wants to mold me into a different person. A person who spends every ounce of energy devoted to her.

it's going to be a vicious cycle if you think like that... she's cold and controlling because she doesn't think you care about her, you're unwilling to do anything differently until she's not cold and controlling... it's just going to be a downward spiral from there unless you break out of it.

my 2 cents... you said you thought she was level headed and mature, why not take a chance and try to address her needs? it doesn't work to just ask what she wants and do it... 1) she doesn't always know what she wants exactly... when she says spend more time together, it doesn't just mean more time, it means more quality time that leaves her feeling loved, 2) just asking and then doing can come across as passive aggressive and like you're just doing it to get her to shut up. you should want to do it to make her happy because you care about her.

don't take it personally, like she's trying to change you or something... approach as a problem to be solved... all that is relevant is her perception. if it costs too much to solve the problem, i.e., if in truth nothing but all your free time will satisfy her (which i doubt), then look at getting out.

:thumbsup:

 

[Koing]

That situation sucks.

When was the last time you massaged her? Do that next time then have some sex then you can go game after or just relax or fall asleep

Koing

 

[StormRider]

Originally posted by: Acanthus
Sounds like youve got a selfish one.

High maintinence gfs suck. (i know from experience)

Note to self: Get a high maintenance girlfriend.

 

[voodoodrul]

Originally posted by: Koing
That situation sucks.

When was the last time you massaged her? Do that next time then have some sex then you can go game after or just relax or fall asleep

Koing

lol.. If I do that, I'll be kicked right the hell out the door.. No, no.. Falling asleep is just bad form and playing a game afterwards would mean I should remove all sharp objects from her reach..

 

[Vinfinite]

big deal, stop playing MMOs, and watch sports all day. If she has a problem with that, smack her

 

[voodoodrul]

Originally posted by: Vinfinite
big deal, stop playing MMOs, and watch sports all day. If she has a problem with that, smack her

Interesting approach.. I already cancelled my subscription so the MMO thing is done with.. But anyone interested in this computer hardware? I have an Inspiron XPS Gen2 w/7800 GTX that will get absolutely no use.. What a waste..