Need a good Canadian joke/pic/rip......

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C

ChurchOfSubgenius

Platinum Member
Jan 25, 2001
2,310
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0
Ok, heres the story....., my Aunt is XXXXXX Molson of the beer family "Molson" and as some of you know they owned the Montreal Canadians (hockey) for a long time up until a couple of years ago, I am from the Detroit area and so we always had running battles about the Red Wings and US government and such.
Recently she mailed us (my whole family) a pic of the Iraqi Infomation Minister in Red Wings gear shouting about "we are still in the playoff's, etc etc..." (we got shut out) and I figured I would let that one slide because they no longer owned the Canadians so I wouldn't make fun of Canada....yet.

So today she sends along this joke:

Emergency request of Canada from the U.S.

President George W. Bush called Prime Minister Jean Chretien with a
pressing emergency; "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the
American President cried. "My people's favourite form of birth control!
This is a disaster!"
"George, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der
power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Bush. "Could you possibly send us
1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainment! I will get on hit right haway," said Jean.
"Oh, and one small favour, please?" said President George W.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10 inches long,
with a 4 inch diameter?" asked Bush.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that Chretien hung
up
and called the President of Trojan.
"I need a favour. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway,and
sen' dem to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be rouge, blanc et bleu in
colour,
hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia'meter."
"That's easily done. Anything else?"
"Yes," said the Prime Minister, ".... print on dem; MADE IN CANADA,
size: SMALL."


So I need some good clean ammo to fire back.

Thanks.
 
B

BigToquex

Senior member
Mar 29, 2003
349
0
0
In a train car there was a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel,the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1) The blonde thought - "That American S.O.B. wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

3) The American thought - "That dumb Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

4) The Canadian thought - "I hope there is another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again."


-------------------------------------------

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."
 
C

ChurchOfSubgenius

Platinum Member
Jan 25, 2001
2,310
0
0
Well, that didn't work out so well.

EDIT: ok, I found one decent one....

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died
before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and
nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the
Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and
said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I
was back here."

"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."
 
dabuddha

dabuddha

Lifer
Apr 10, 2000
19,579
17
81
An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to
him.

The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation.

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In Canada,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
America."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"

Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big
smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"

Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to Canada."
 
dabuddha

dabuddha

Lifer
Apr 10, 2000
19,579
17
81
Q.How many newfees does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?
A. One to hold the cookie, and one to squeeze the rabbit.


________________________________________________________________________


Q: What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe?
A: A canoe will tip.

________________________________________________________________________


What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
The taste.

________________________________________________________________________


Reasons not to Bomb Canada

1.The bomb costs more than Canada.
2.Canada will eventually become a US state.
3.Hockey players would have no place to call home.
4.Canadian bacon would be eliminated.
5.France wouldn't have any more allies.
6.They are so close to the border that it may endanger American lives.
7.There are no "great" cities to bomb.
8.The snow would melt and would flood the Earth.
9.It would take more than 10 minutes. (Much too long)


________________________________________________________________________


On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to

count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But

Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.

At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's

because you are from Newfoundland, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite

the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but

Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only

the letter "m".

That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained

to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking

showers.Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he

seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked

his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times

bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"

"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"

You can change that last one to Canadians :)
 
Sealy

Sealy

Platinum Member
Aug 4, 2002
2,438
1
71
2 cases of sars found in Newfoundland!

















1 died of a sar neck and the other of a sar throat!
rolleye.gif
:)
 
spaceman

spaceman

Lifer
Dec 4, 2000
17,617
183
106
Originally posted by: dabuddha
Q.How many newfees does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?
A. One to hold the cookie, and one to squeeze the rabbit.


________________________________________________________________________


Q: What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe?
A: A canoe will tip.

________________________________________________________________________


What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
The taste.

________________________________________________________________________


Reasons not to Bomb Canada

1.The bomb costs more than Canada.
2.Canada will eventually become a US state.
3.Hockey players would have no place to call home.
4.Canadian bacon would be eliminated.
5.France wouldn't have any more allies.
6.They are so close to the border that it may endanger American lives.
7.There are no "great" cities to bomb.
8.The snow would melt and would flood the Earth.
9.It would take more than 10 minutes. (Much too long)


________________________________________________________________________


On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to

count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But

Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.

At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's

because you are from Newfoundland, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite

the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but

Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only

the letter "m".

That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained

to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking

showers.Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he

seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked

his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times

bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"

"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"

You can change that last one to Canadians :)
Click to expand...



:D

 
XZeroII

XZeroII

Lifer
Jun 30, 2001
12,572
0
0
Originally posted by: dabuddha
On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to

count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But

Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.

At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's

because you are from Newfoundland, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite

the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but

Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only

the letter "m".

That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained

to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking

showers.Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he

seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked

his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times

bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"

"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"

You can change that last one to Canadians :)
Click to expand...

Here in America, I could count to 100 in Kindergarten and you can't get into Kindergarten unless you know your entire alphabet.
 
Sealy

Sealy

Platinum Member
Aug 4, 2002
2,438
1
71
Originally posted by: XZeroII
Originally posted by: dabuddha
On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to

count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But

Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.

At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's

because you are from Newfoundland, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite

the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but

Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only

the letter "m".

That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained

to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking

showers.Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he

seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked

his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times

bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"

"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"

You can change that last one to Canadians :)
Click to expand...

Here in America, I could count to 100 in Kindergarten and you can't get into Kindergarten unless you know your entire alphabet.
Click to expand...

Ummm it's a joke....but lets not get started on how good the schools are in Canada vs. America shall we!
 
C

ChurchOfSubgenius

Platinum Member
Jan 25, 2001
2,310
0
0
Originally posted by: dabuddha
Isn't the fact that she lives in Canada a joke?
Click to expand...

She is not your standard Canadian.


I like the reasons not to bomb Canada one, I can use some of those. Anyone know where those pics of the Canadian Air Force/ Coast Guard can be found?



 
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