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Need a clean joke

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Originally posted by: Tobolo
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"
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WIN!
 
A merchant ship captain was well renowned for being a brave and daring commander. One night his ship was attacked by pirates. The brave commander instructed his crew: "Bring me my red shirt!"

He put on the shirt and they defeated the pirates. After the battle, a member of the crew asked the captain why he asked for his red shirt. He explained that it masked the blood from his wounds so the crew wouldn't stop to worry about him if he was injured. The crew was amazed and very proud that they had the good fortune of sailing with such a brave man.

A few nights later, the pirates, angered by their earlier defeat, attacked the merchant ship again, this time with two ships. The captain, determined to see to it that his ship and crew made it safely to their destination, again told the crew: "Bring me my red shirt!"

The crew knew rallied behind the captain, ready to fight to the bitter end. Again, they defeated the pirates.

A few more days passed and the lookout spotted an entire fleet of pirate ships bearing quickly down on the merchant vessel. The crew anxiously awaited the captain's orders. The captain, after pondering for a moment, yelled to the crew: "Men, bring me my brown pants!"
 
One of the guests at a birthday party for a woman turning 100 years old notices that the guest of honor has slumped sideways in her wheel chair so she inserts a pillow that she found into the woman's wheel chair to support her. Much to her consternation she finds the woman slumping the other way and puts in another pillow. When she finds the woman slumped forward she finds a ribbon and ties the woman into her chair to finally keep her upright.

A while later the son of the guest of honor arrives and looks at his mother tied in between two pillows so he leans over, wishes her happy birthday, and asks what all the pillows and ribbon are for. She whispers back, "they won't let me fart."
 
Originally posted by: Squisher
One of the guests at a birthday party for a woman turning 100 years old notices that the guest of honor has slumped sideways in her wheel chair so she inserts a pillow that she found into the woman's wheel chair to support her. Much to her consternation she finds the woman slumping the other way and puts in another pillow. When she finds the woman slumped forward she finds a ribbon and ties the woman into her chair to finally keep upright.

A while later the son of the guest of honor arrives and looks at his mother tied in between two pillows so he leans over, wishes her happy birthday, and asks what all the pillows and ribbon are for. She whispers back, "they won't let me fart."
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Uhm....

On a scale of 1-10 I give this a -100 Billion.


Stupid.
 
Here you go:

A teacher was stressing the importance of high self esteem. She started off her class by saying: "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up."

After a few seconds, one boy in the third row stood up.

The teacher asked, "Do you think you're stupid?"

"No ma'am," the boy replied, "but I hate to see you stand there all by yourself."
 
Originally posted by: uberman
I've taught speech and I'm somewhat amazed why you'd need a joke for a speech. People often try humor because they feel nervous about speaking in front of others. Is this a demonstration speech where you'll be displaying and describing something to others. This is an early type of speech used in a speech class to allow speakers to take the spotlight off themselves and hold something so they feel less nervous.

Public speaking is incredible the way it makes people feel nervous. I had seniors practicing for senior exit projects. They had to speak in front of their peers (only 9 students) and they were terrified. I was teaching native Spanish speakers at the time. One student apologized and said he was "embrazada."

I questioned whether he was really "embrazada" and whether that had caused him to mess up his speech. He meant that he had been embarrassed, because "embrazada" means you are pregnant. The teenage boy was not pregnant to the best of our knowledge.
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I don't need a joke for a speech, the speech is the joke. Our first assignment is to tell a joke.
 
An elderly couple was attending church services one Sunday. About halfway through the sermon, the wife leaned over and said to her husband, " I just let a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replied "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

======================

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The fence was too high to
see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through
to see what was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...




 
The Little Rascals are all in school one day. The teacher says, "Children, it's time for a spelling exercise. I will say a word, you spell it, then use it in a sentence."

She first calls on Alfalfa, "Your word is 'business'." Alfalfa spells the word with ease, "B-U-S-I-N-E-S-S" and for using it in a sentence, "My father is a successful business man." The teacher commends him and moves onto Darla. "Darla, your word is 'telephone'." "T-E-L-E-P-H-O-N-E, I know how to use a telephone"

"Very good!" the teacher says in delight. She next calls on Buckwheat, "Buckwheat, your word is 'dictate'."

Buckwheat says, "D-I-C-T-A-T-E"
"And for the sentance?"
"Hey Darla, how'd my dictate last night?"
 
Originally posted by: JDMnAR1
An elderly couple was attending church services one Sunday. About halfway through the sermon, the wife leaned over and said to her husband, " I just let a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replied "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

======================

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The fence was too high to
see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through
to see what was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Click to expand...

really good.
 
Q: You're trapped in a room with a large hungry tiger, an angry anaconda and an attorney. You have a handgun with only two bullets. What do you do?

A: You put two in the attorney.
 
Originally posted by: geno
The Little Rascals are all in school one day. The teacher says, "Children, it's time for a spelling exercise. I will say a word, you spell it, then use it in a sentence."

She first calls on Alfalfa, "Your word is 'business'." Alfalfa spells the word with ease, "B-U-S-I-N-E-S-S" and for using it in a sentence, "My father is a successful business man." The teacher commends him and moves onto Darla. "Darla, your word is 'telephone'." "T-E-L-E-P-H-O-N-E, I know how to use a telephone"

"Very good!" the teacher says in delight. She next calls on Buckwheat, "Buckwheat, your word is 'dictate'."

Buckwheat says, "D-I-C-T-A-T-E"
"And for the sentance?"
"Hey Darla, how'd my dictate last night?"
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I give this a FAIL!/10.

It's stupid.

Also, businessman is one word.
 
Originally posted by: JDMnAR1
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The fence was too high to
see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through
to see what was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Click to expand...
Best one in the thread.



 
did you know they invented the toothbrush in __________________ (insert visiting town you are in)?
.
..
...
....
.....
if it were invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.
 
Originally posted by: OdiN

I give this a FAIL!/10.

It's stupid.

Also, businessman is one word.
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Originally posted by: OdiN
You've got to tell it better than that dude.
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Originally posted by: OdiN
That's a poor excuse for a poorly told joke.
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Originally posted by: OdiN

Uhm....

On a scale of 1-10 I give this a -100 Billion.


Stupid.
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Why don't you post a good one then? Put up or shut the hell up. 😛
 
Originally posted by: OdiN
Originally posted by: Demon-Xanth
Two guys are at a bar at the top of the empire state building and one guy turns to the other and says "You know, if you jump off the wind currents will push you into the 6th floor window and you'll be unhurt.". The second guy says no way, so the first guy jumps off. And sure enough, he goes right into the 6th floor window and comes back up the elevator. The second guy says "that was a fluke, no way you could do that again." So the first guy jumps off again, and amazingly enough, right in the 6th floor window. Seeing this the second guy jumps, and falls right past the 6th floor window and smacks the ground. As the first guy returns, the bartender says "You know Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
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You've got to tell it better than that dude.
Click to expand...

I like that one
 
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called ?Yam.?

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked , so she wouldn?t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ?Hot Potato, ? and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn?t stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring
cousins.

When she went off to Europe , Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the greasy guys from France
called the French Fries. And when she went out west , to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn?t get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn?t associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from
the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all th e trucks that say, ?Frito Lay.?

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that?s Potato University ) so that when she graduated she?d really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn?t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he?s just......

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?

*
*

OK! Here it is!

*
*
*
*


A COMMONTATER
 
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