My wife is trying to kill me.

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Squisher

Squisher

Lifer
Aug 17, 2000
21,204
66
91
I'm sure your days are numbered. I'll miss your posts. Find out how much she wants for your monitor.

 
SagaLore

SagaLore

Elite Member
Dec 18, 2001
24,036
21
81
Originally posted by: NuclearNed
I never thought I would have to wonder if Mrs. Ned is attempting to knock me off. Now I find myself waiting on her to take the first bite of anything that she prepares to see if it is safe for me.

...

A few nights later, coming home from work I walked through the door and into the most wonderful aroma in existence. I?m just a mere man; I?m no match for the overwhelming nirvana of the palate that is her taco salad. In moments I was drooling and defenseless. She encouraged me to eat up. She smiled. ?Don?t you want some more?? as she piled on the tomatoes, lettuce, tortilla chips, and beef. She smiled again, even bigger. She acted slightly hurt that my heaping bowl was so ?meager? since, after all, this was my favorite meal. Trying to be polite, I piled it even higher, and then greedily began to shovel it into my growling belly with both hands.

She watched. She smiled. Then she smiled some more. She seemed positively innocent and angelic.

An hour later the volcanic event disguised as an explosive gastric disturbance was wracking my body with spasmodic pain. Cold sweat soaked my t-shirt as my bowels decided to claw their way to the surface inch by agonizing inch. Apparently a large badger has sometime in my past taken up residence in my colon; on that particular night, he was really liver-shredingly angry. I?m no anatomy expert, but I?m pretty sure I passed some things that might be important to my continued existence.

...

I don?t trust her. I must find any other poisons she might be planning to use on me. I?m thinking that when I get home, a strip search followed by a careful cavity examination is in order.

If a few days pass without me posting, someone please call the police.
Click to expand...

Somet'n ain't right with this here story... :eek:
 
R

Row1and

Guest
Apr 7, 2005
835
0
0
Men, I know you're probably serious with your story and all, but just like everyone else, you're a fvkcen good writer. You should write a book!

Oh, women... can't live with them, some can't pee standing up! Watch your back son!
 
D

Deadtrees

Platinum Member
Dec 31, 2002
2,351
0
0
Originally posted by: Baloo
What gave this away as fiction is the part about the scene repeating itself over several days as the dumbass continued to eat the food knowing what it was going to do to him. no one is that stupid.
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Why So Serious?
 
M

Mr Pickles

Diamond Member
Feb 24, 2006
4,103
1
0
Its funny that we go off on people for making this forum their blog with all the worthless things they have to tell us, but when something like this is written, truly blog style, everyone applauses.

Your flow is great. Work on your structure. 6\10 because of that and I've seen better work from you.
 
IEC

IEC

Elite Member
Super Moderator
Jun 10, 2004
14,600
6,084
136
Originally posted by: Fenixgoon
A++++ would read again! :thumbsup::D

your stories are always great, ned!~
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That's the most entertaining thing I've read all week. :beer:
 
Quiksilver

Quiksilver

Diamond Member
Jul 3, 2005
4,725
0
71
Originally posted by: NuclearNed
An hour later the volcanic event disguised as an explosive gastric disturbance was wracking my body with spasmodic pain. Cold sweat soaked my t-shirt as my bowels decided to claw their way to the surface inch by agonizing inch. Apparently a large badger has sometime in my past taken up residence in my colon; on that particular night, he was really liver-shredingly angry. I?m no anatomy expert, but I?m pretty sure I passed some things that might be important to my continued existence.
Click to expand...

Ugh.
Sounds like what happens to me after I eat a Little Caesers Pizza, that shit is edible ex-lax.
 
A

Aquaman

Lifer
Dec 17, 1999
25,054
13
0
Get Revenge.

1. Give wife Xenical pill.
2. Make wife Fried Chicken dinner or something equally greasy.
3. ..............
4. anal leakage
5. Profit :)

Cheers,
Aquaman
 
nakedfrog

nakedfrog

No Lifer
Apr 3, 2001
62,919
19,152
136
Originally posted by: Quiksilver
Originally posted by: NuclearNed
An hour later the volcanic event disguised as an explosive gastric disturbance was wracking my body with spasmodic pain. Cold sweat soaked my t-shirt as my bowels decided to claw their way to the surface inch by agonizing inch. Apparently a large badger has sometime in my past taken up residence in my colon; on that particular night, he was really liver-shredingly angry. I?m no anatomy expert, but I?m pretty sure I passed some things that might be important to my continued existence.
Click to expand...

Ugh.
Sounds like what happens to me after I eat a Little Caesers Pizza, that shit is edible ex-lax.
Click to expand...

I do believe that all Ex-Lax is edible.
 
C

classy

Lifer
Oct 12, 1999
15,219
1
81
LOL :)
Can I have your computer? You won't be needing soon. Drop me a pm and we can work out the shipping details ;)
 
CPA

CPA

Elite Member
Nov 19, 2001
30,322
4
0
Originally posted by: NuclearNed

I don?t trust her. I must find any other poisons she might be planning to use on me. I?m thinking that when I get home, a strip search followed by a careful cavity examination is in order.
Click to expand...

On you - ewwwww? or her - yawzaaaa?
 
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