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My Pitt thread, come critique my essay!

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Hmm, I guess I have nothing else to supplement this, then. My app, two transcripts, and an essay. That's it! Does that sound like not enough?
 
Dammit! Made two mistakes on app, read it over like four or five times and didn't even notice this second one until now.

1) Put SAT date as 3/2005 instead of 3/2004.
2) Put that my college-level chem course in high school was 3 credits instead of 4.

Both of these things are obviously correct on my transcripts.

So either a) info will be entered into the system off my transcripts, and these errors on my app will be void, or b) they will physically look at this app, notice the mistakes, and that'll hurt my chances because they'll realize what a dumbass I am. 🙁
 
This must stay alive for the next week or so as I want to hear more opinions until I get my letter. Every person I talk to makes me feel different about it - some better, some worse.

Maybe a very savvy Googler could find some better stats on their transfer applicants for 05? Such as, avg. GPAs, which depts. are most popular, etc.
 
First I would like to thank you for taking the time to review my application and to introduce myself. As stated at the top of this page, my name is xxxxxxx. I am from xxxxx, and am currently a freshman at Grove City College in Grove City, PA, studying electrical engineering.
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Unnecessary. Remove it.

Due to my current situation and background, I feel I can be regarded slightly differently from the normal freshman or transfer student applying to the University of Pittsburgh.
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Re-write this, it sounds corny. Don't start out the sentence with "Due to."

Firstly, I am a single child and the first in my family to be attending college.
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Don't use firstly. It wouldn't be as bad if you had a "secondly" in there, but there is none. Don't use first of all, firstly, etc.

That scenario put particular strain and confusion on all of my college-related decisions, such as which school to attend, what kind of environment I preferred, and what kind of academics with which I wanted to acquaint myself. Due to price and location, I chose Grove City College and entered as a freshman in August of 2005.
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Sounding better.

I began my college experience with a healthy high school background, having taken AP courses in calculus and physics and earning a 5 on the AP calculus exam, obtaining CHEM 0110 credit from the University of Pittsburgh in my junior year, and maintaining a 3.9 GPA and finishing my senior year fourth in my class out of approximately 240 students.
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What did you get on the Physics exam? If you didn't do well, don't mention taking AP Physics, because obviously, you didn't understand it well enough.

The rest of your essay is fine, I think it's kind of weak though. I don't know how to improve it though, so I'll let it be.
 
Pitt is a really good school...maybe it isn't a top 20 school (but what does US News and World Report know anyway) but you'll get a great education there without totally breaking the bank. Oakland and Shadyside (And greater Pgh) are great places to live and hang out.

I'm a grad student at CMU and I have quite a bit of interaction with profs and grad students from Pitt...Pitt has a lot of brilliant profs and students (tons of cool research going on!), solid facilities and labs, and so forth...best of luch in your application process.
 
Originally posted by: KK
why do you have 3/240 above the essay, then say 4th out of ~240 students in the essay?
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I was DEFINITELY listed as fourth in my class at the end of the school year, so that's what I wrote in my essay. Then the other day I called Pitt to verify they received my transcripts and I asked if she could verify the stuff on my HS record, and she rattled it off to me - and my rank was third. *shrug* I even remember seeing the list at graduation, so I don't know what happened. Is that gonna make me look bad?

Originally posted by: MrCodeDude
First I would like to thank you for taking the time to review my application and to introduce myself. As stated at the top of this page, my name is xxxxxxx. I am from xxxxx, and am currently a freshman at Grove City College in Grove City, PA, studying electrical engineering.
Click to expand...
Unnecessary. Remove it.

Due to my current situation and background, I feel I can be regarded slightly differently from the normal freshman or transfer student applying to the University of Pittsburgh.
Click to expand...
Re-write this, it sounds corny. Don't start out the sentence with "Due to."

Firstly, I am a single child and the first in my family to be attending college.
Click to expand...
Don't use firstly. It wouldn't be as bad if you had a "secondly" in there, but there is none. Don't use first of all, firstly, etc.

That scenario put particular strain and confusion on all of my college-related decisions, such as which school to attend, what kind of environment I preferred, and what kind of academics with which I wanted to acquaint myself. Due to price and location, I chose Grove City College and entered as a freshman in August of 2005.
Click to expand...
Sounding better.

I began my college experience with a healthy high school background, having taken AP courses in calculus and physics and earning a 5 on the AP calculus exam, obtaining CHEM 0110 credit from the University of Pittsburgh in my junior year, and maintaining a 3.9 GPA and finishing my senior year fourth in my class out of approximately 240 students.
Click to expand...
What did you get on the Physics exam? If you didn't do well, don't mention taking AP Physics, because obviously, you didn't understand it well enough.

The rest of your essay is fine, I think it's kind of weak though. I don't know how to improve it though, so I'll let it be.
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Thanks for the input. I applied over a week ago so obviously I can't change it now, just wanted to see what you thought. I didn't take the AP physics exam because the ONLY score GCC would accept for credit would've been a 5 and I knew I wasn't going to get that. I just thought I should still mention the fact that I did have two AP courses my senior year.

Do you think those first few bad parts are really going to hurt it much? I know the essay might seem a bit weak overall, but really, its only purpose was to make it very clear why I wanted to attend their school and leave Grove City, and I think it accomplished that.

Well let's look at it this way. Considering how the whole essay reads, and the few weak parts you don't like, what would YOUR opinion be of me if you were on the committee and read that?
 
More comments please!

I've been doing some reading on writing good college essays for transfer applicants. Basically all the sites say to be yourself, don't write fancy, be sincere, tell your story, and be honest. Do I follow along with all those things? They also say not to fill your essay withs stuff that they can see on your transcript. Wel, I did summarize some high school stuff, but I only devoted one sentence to it. Is that okay?
 
Originally posted by: MrCodeDude
I think you're retarded for wanting us to critique an essay that you've already submitted.
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:thumbsup:

Let us know if you're ever thinking about trying russian roulette.
 
Originally posted by: MrCodeDude
I think you're retarded for wanting us to critique an essay that you've already submitted.
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Heh. I guess "critique" wasn't the right word. What I'm looking for is what your response to it would be, given my other stats and the whole package really.

I got some people telling me this should be no issue at all and other's saying it's iffy. Argh.
 
Bump if anyone else wants to comment.

Is it bad I wrote it in the form of a letter? I guess that's not even an "essay" is it.
 
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