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My Official Hump Day Joke Thread

H

HellRaiserandBeerDrinker

Senior member
Great Reasons To Be A Guy... (Oldie But Goodie)

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something,
he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours
without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit,
you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

 
Why did Helen Keller's dog's run away?....................................You'd run away too if your name was Der der deeeeeeeeer

How did Helen Keller's mom punish her?...................................By either rearranging the furniture or sticking a plunger in the toilet

Why is Helen Keller's leg yellow?...............................................Her dog is blind too
 
Rules For Men


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules,
she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately
for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express
written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times,
unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know
whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules,
can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant"
and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!




rolleye.gif
 
Originally posted by: SavageDubz
Why did Helen Keller's dog's run away?....................................You'd run away too if your name was Der der deeeeeeeeer

How did Helen Keller's mom punish her?...................................By either rearranging the furniture or sticking a plunger in the toilet

Why is Helen Keller's leg yellow?...............................................Her dog is blind too
Click to expand...

aww MAN.... that's just messed up!!! <funny, but still messed up>
 
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God
created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.
----------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.



😉

goodnight and don't forget to tip the waitresses
 
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store
and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised
he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work
the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said,
"You know."

😉
 
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Click to expand...
Ha... those are terrible 😛.
 
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so
he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to
watch and report any activities while he was gone.
A few days later, he received this report:

MOST HONORABLE SIR:

YOU LEAVE HOUSE.
I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,

CHEN LEE.
😀
 
Originally posted by: HellRaiserandBeerDrinker
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store
and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised
he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work
the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said,
"You know."

😉
Click to expand...

rolleye.gif
Did you make that up?
 
The Top Reasons Your Prom Sucks




This year's theme: "Tibetan Monastery."

You may look like Carrie, but your only "power"
is the ability to squirt milk out your nose.

The boutonniere your date gave you failed the
"leaves of three, let it be" test.

"Okay, kids, this next one is an all-skate."

The good news: You're the prom queen!
The bad news: Your classmates at St. Thomas's School for Boys
are counting on you to put out afterwards.

Buffy didn't show up, so everyone's being killed by vampires.

You might be valedictorian and captain of the football team,
but dancing with Mom in the den kinda puts this whole
home-schooling thing in its proper perspective.

Every ten minutes, another couple gets voted out of
"Survivor: McKinley Sr. High Prom."

Agent's screw-up sent "Massive Destruction"
to the retirement home and left you trying to rock out to the sounds of
"Wanda Washburn and Her All-Piccolo Orchestra."

The Cher impersonator they hired to sing?
Turns out it's the principal, Mr. Sweeney.

Boys approach you all night long, but only to ask
if they could come over to your house and meet Ozzy.

Not only is Mom a chaperone,
Dad's playing accordion in the band.

Halfway through the evening, R. Kelly dumps you for an even younger girl.

and the Number 1 Reason Your Prom Sucks...


Right before the big day at St. Alban's, Father Murphy
calls to tell you he thinks it's time you both started seeing other people.



:Q
 
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