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My girlfriends always complaining that I push her around and talk behind her back.

shortylickens

shortylickens

No Lifer
What does she expect? She's in a fucking wheelchair!
--

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
--

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, "This is for the flowers!" "Don't be silly" says Paddy, "You must have a vase somewhere!"
 
My wife and I went to the Orange County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said "He mated 50 times last year. That's almost once a week."

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one!!"

I looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
 
My girlfriends always complaining that I push her around and talk behind her back.

What does she expect? She's in a fucking wheelchair!
Click to expand...

That's exactly why I don't eat vegetables. The chair gets in the way.
 
shortylickens said:
My wife and I went to the Orange County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said "He mated 50 times last year. That's almost once a week."

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one!!"

I looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
Click to expand...
:awe:
 
A string walks into a bar.
The bartender said, "hey we don't serve your kind here."
He goes away.
The next day he returns to the bar. Before he enters, he ties himself into knot, and frays himself.
Then he walks into the bar.
Bartender demands, "hey, aren't you that string I kicked out?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."
 
foghorn67 said:
A string walks into a bar.
The bartender said, "hey we don't serve your kind here."
He goes away.
The next day he returns to the bar. Before he enters, he ties himself into knot, and frays himself.
Then he walks into the bar.
Bartender demands, "hey, aren't you that string I kicked out?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."
Click to expand...

i think i heard that joke in kindergarden... 30+ years ago.
 
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