Let me get this straight, you've had contact a total of two times in sixteen years? If that's the case, he's a sperm donor, not a father. I've got a 3 year old, and no matter wtf happened/happens w/ me and my wife, I'm going to do everything in my power to be in his life as much as possible. Sure, people make mistakes, and it's your choice whether or not you want to pursue this relationship, but don't let all this "he's your dad" talk pressure you. You share some DNA, and while that's not trivial, neither is going 16 years without him.
The point of him working through this is that he's hurting and needs some peace. It's not about the father's feelings. It's about his. I don't buy this "dad" stuff either. He made a VERY good first step by telling his father how angry he is and why. He shouldn't feel bad for it.
People can change.
Not sure that you dad has, but some ppl do.
My dad cheated on my mom numerous times over the 33yrs they were married. They divorced when my dad left for another woman (who then refused to leave her husband and dropped my dad after a 15yr affair).
My father broke up his marriage, lost the love and respect of his children and ended up with nothing. Every one of us (5) kids suffered because of his actions. He has spent years regretting it and trying to make it right. It took us a long time and a lot of hard work, but my father and I have forged and loving relationship. I did this more for me than for him.
I am not saying that you need to instantly forgive and forget. And I am not even saying your dad is sincere. What I am saying is that it is not impossible for ppl to change and I am saying that carrying around anger and resentment is not a good thing for you. Take a deep breath, go slowly and see what the deal is, instead of just slamming that door in your life and being angry at him forever.
Not sure that you dad has, but some ppl do.
My dad cheated on my mom numerous times over the 33yrs they were married. They divorced when my dad left for another woman (who then refused to leave her husband and dropped my dad after a 15yr affair).
My father broke up his marriage, lost the love and respect of his children and ended up with nothing. Every one of us (5) kids suffered because of his actions. He has spent years regretting it and trying to make it right. It took us a long time and a lot of hard work, but my father and I have forged and loving relationship. I did this more for me than for him.
I am not saying that you need to instantly forgive and forget. And I am not even saying your dad is sincere. What I am saying is that it is not impossible for ppl to change and I am saying that carrying around anger and resentment is not a good thing for you. Take a deep breath, go slowly and see what the deal is, instead of just slamming that door in your life and being angry at him forever.
Nail. Head. Hammer.
Yep, you were entitled to say that, but you're not entitled to keep on and on.
There comes a time when people realize things that they've done that they need to atone for, and this could be that time for your dad.
He deserves the chance to make things right, or at least to apologize for whatever pain he's caused.
Oh, and you also need to realize that you've probably only heard your mom's side of the story.
well, unless he apoligizes to me for not being there for 16 years of my life he's not getting a chance he needs to apologize than make it up and i highly highly doubt he is going to do either of those.
hey, i am up for a suprise so lets see if he has the balls to do it
hey, i am up for a suprise so lets see if he has the balls to do it
JulesMaximus
No Lifer
- Jul 3, 2003
- 74,583
- 984
- 126
Yeah, I have a father who hasn't really been much of a part of my life. My sister has been reaching out to him for years and it has taken her years to finally let him go. He is ridden with guilt and self loathing. That is something he will have to get over before he can ever have a meaningful relationship with any of us and it's something he may never get over. At least the OP's father is making an effort.
So, by your logic nobody can ever make a mistake and then realize it later in life and try to make amends?
Well, it will probably be a bit hard for him to do any apologizing if he has to listen to a ration of shlt from you before he can say anything besides hello. You need to learn how to small talk. Not reasonable to just expect a big apology monologue right after you say hello.
shilala
Lifer
- Oct 5, 2004
- 11,437
- 1
- 76
Here's a little piece I can say, don't know if it'll help, but anyways...
I have a 17 year old daughter that I have never known. I was never aware she existed until she was 8 years old.
She was the result of a 2 week relationship that went south when I found out her mother was underage. I was 21, she was 17. I met her and took her out for drinks truly never imagining she was 17 years old.
I spent the best part of my adult life as an active alcoholic. I never cared about anything much less the daughter I never knew.
By the grace of God, my ass has been cleaned up for a few years and in that time I realized what a royal piece of shyt I was.
I've made every effort to contact my daughter. I took her mother to court for visitation rights (they live about 500 miles from me) and won an agreement that gave me access to her.
I asked her forgiveness and let her know I'd always be there if she needed me.
We emailed for a short time and got to know each other a little bit, but we're still strangers. I haven't heard from her in a long time, she hasn't returned my last few emails and her mother hasn't returned phone calls.
So now I just let it alone. I'll be patient and I'll be there if she ever arrives.
It hurts like hell, and I deserve every bit of it.
I don't know what's in her head or why it's there. All I know is that anything negative she thinks of me is very well founded.
Hopefully some day it'll work out, not for me, but so that she doesn't feel like you.
I have a 17 year old daughter that I have never known. I was never aware she existed until she was 8 years old.
She was the result of a 2 week relationship that went south when I found out her mother was underage. I was 21, she was 17. I met her and took her out for drinks truly never imagining she was 17 years old.
I spent the best part of my adult life as an active alcoholic. I never cared about anything much less the daughter I never knew.
By the grace of God, my ass has been cleaned up for a few years and in that time I realized what a royal piece of shyt I was.
I've made every effort to contact my daughter. I took her mother to court for visitation rights (they live about 500 miles from me) and won an agreement that gave me access to her.
I asked her forgiveness and let her know I'd always be there if she needed me.
We emailed for a short time and got to know each other a little bit, but we're still strangers. I haven't heard from her in a long time, she hasn't returned my last few emails and her mother hasn't returned phone calls.
So now I just let it alone. I'll be patient and I'll be there if she ever arrives.
It hurts like hell, and I deserve every bit of it.
I don't know what's in her head or why it's there. All I know is that anything negative she thinks of me is very well founded.
Hopefully some day it'll work out, not for me, but so that she doesn't feel like you.
no, he just called to say hello he wanted to talk to my mom to see how i was doing he doesnt speak alot of english even when i talk slow so its pretty pointless.
edit: he's never been a good father he has been devorced twice now i think and he has 3 kids + me if you can count me.
That's what I thought at first. Meh, last time I saw my dad was about 20 years ago when he abandoned my mom and started another family in another country. I think I have a half-sister and half brother out there so he can get his organ's elsewhere.
Not to be a jerk or anything...but forgiveness is a great virtue.
It's not that hard to say to yourself "I forgive you" and let go of the anger/grudge.
Your father might still be a total slimeball and be trying to use you or your mother eventually.
But then again, he might have hit that point in his life where he actually cares now and wants to make restitution in some way, however large or small it may be. In my culture, the people have always placed a *large* value on their child. Although it is not the same in the American culture overall, I think to many people their children is the one thing they cannot always let go of. There are people out there who don't give two sh*ts, but I believe many people still care for their child, for a reason they cannot themselves fully explain.
In another note, I think its perfectly fine to be pissed with him. But remember that no matter what you do or say, your father is your father, and nothing will ever change that. For better or for worse, you have been blessed and cursed with that person as your father, and if it is possible for you to both come to an understanding with each other I think that would be for the best.
OTOH, if your father is still the jerk he was before, I'd say forget it.
OTOH, if your father is still the jerk he was before, I'd say forget it.
When I was 17, I became aware of my father's infidelities. This from a guy who I thought would never do anything like that. I was mad at him for over 20 years after that.
Totally screwed up; me, my relationships, and iit wasn't until I had been through some heavy duty psychotherapy, did I get it together. Actually , it took my grandfather's death (his dad) to get me , my brother and him, in the same room together.
We may not have been Beaver and Ward, but he's my dad and I see more of "him" in what and how I do things than ever before. And it's cool with me. He wasn't the dad I had cast in the movie in my mind, but he was playing himself, and I was scripting that which cannot be scripted, real life.
Dude, he may not have been there, but I'll bet he ate his heart out several times over during that time.
If your Mom raised you right, you'll eventually find a place where you can accept him for who he is ( she obviously saw something at some point, way back before you were born), and you can simply go from there.
Relax, live your life. Don't try to re-live theirs.
Totally screwed up; me, my relationships, and iit wasn't until I had been through some heavy duty psychotherapy, did I get it together. Actually , it took my grandfather's death (his dad) to get me , my brother and him, in the same room together.
We may not have been Beaver and Ward, but he's my dad and I see more of "him" in what and how I do things than ever before. And it's cool with me. He wasn't the dad I had cast in the movie in my mind, but he was playing himself, and I was scripting that which cannot be scripted, real life.
Dude, he may not have been there, but I'll bet he ate his heart out several times over during that time.
If your Mom raised you right, you'll eventually find a place where you can accept him for who he is ( she obviously saw something at some point, way back before you were born), and you can simply go from there.
Relax, live your life. Don't try to re-live theirs.
I would demand he pay up for the lost years, then talk. Put up or shut up is the term that fits best here.
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