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Met this girl in the club last night.

shortylickens

shortylickens

No Lifer
Soon she's dragging me into a cubicle, sitting me down and straddling me. My instinct soon took over and I did what felt natural... a shit.
--

A nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban who was eating some fresh shrimp. Every time he ate one he spat the tail at her and she had to throw it out the window. Eventually she got pissed off and pulled the emergency cord. The turban wearing Muslim looked at her and said "You'll get fined $250 for doing that you stupid Catholic slut. She laughed back and said "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-fucker".
--

Now that India has allowed homosexuality, the first lesbian couple have got married, so congratulations to Sukme Phlaps and Makemeclit Singh.
--

I'm so excited! I'm going to have sex with my new Thai girlfriend for the first time. She even said we could try anal! I don't get why she's making me wash my arse though...
--

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, coffee, soda, juice, energy drinks, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents!
--

A husband took his wife to the doctor. "Oh doctor" he said "my wife thinks she's a chicken". The doctor gasped "That's terrible. How long has she been like that? The husband replied "Three years". The doctor was horrified "Three years! Why didn't you bring her to me sooner?" The husband said sheepishly "Because we needed the eggs".
 
windowlicker-video.jpg
 
An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast". The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use". 'But I didn't use them" she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows" she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied "But I didn't use it!" The manager was unmoved so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager. The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00".

"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me" she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised manager. "Well too bad, I was here, and you could have".
 
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before realising there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun "it's a soap dispenser!".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells... "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!!"
 
A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger".

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh I don't know" said the stranger "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles. "OK" she said "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmmm, I have no idea..." To which the blonde replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
 
Ban. srsly. You have no sense of humor. 0/10 for all of these.

shortylickens said:
An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast". The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use". 'But I didn't use them" she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows" she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied "But I didn't use it!" The manager was unmoved so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager. The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00".

"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me" she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised manager. "Well too bad, I was here, and you could have".
Click to expand...

Actually, this one is a -5/10. The others just make poor attempts at being offensive, while the author of this one probably imagined that he was making a clever philosophical point at the same time.

EDIT: Ok, the blonde one was kind of clever. 6/10 for that one, but the thread still averages out to 0.something/10.
 
Last edited:
shortylickens said:
A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger".

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh I don't know" said the stranger "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles. "OK" she said "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmmm, I have no idea..." To which the blonde replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Click to expand...

lol :thumbsup:

alkemyst said:
I was about to say there was no way you met a woman.
Click to expand...

I like shorty, truly I do, but I was totally thinking this the whole time.
 
Rule #1 of offensive jokes:

They have to be at least as funny as the jokes on the Laffy Taffy wrappers.

You've failed to heed Rule #1.
 
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