Making friends by getting interested in others

[yhelothar]

So there's the famous line by Dale Carnegie about making friends.

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you"


It's known to be common wisdom now agmost many.. But I never found it to work forme. When I get interested in others, I think they just feel like I'm pressuring them to be friends with me, or it'd almost be like I'm just interviewing them.
On the other hand, before I read about that quote, I made a lot of friends who hung out with me just because they thought I was an interesting guy to hang out with.

So how does one make friends by just showing interest?

 

[Newbian]

So how does one make friends by just showing interest?

Usually by paying before sex.

 

[zerocool84]

You're a lifer so all hope is lost for you to make any friends.

 

[lxskllr]

People like talking about themselves, and things they are interested in. In my case I worked with a guy who was into NASCAR. I couldn't give a shit less, but he enjoyed talking about it, so I asked questions that he would enjoy answering. Just grab on to little details people reveal, and get them to expound on them. You have to phrase things so it doesn't sound like an interrogation, but if you can listen, most people are willing to talk.

 

[Triumph]

We used to have this guy at work that we dubbed "The Journalist," because seriously, although he was a nice enough guy, talking to him was like being involved in a "man on the street" segment. You almost expected him to hold a microphone to your mouth, waiting for your response. So yeah, maybe that's what you're doing?

 

[Modular]

Social skills are hard to get down for some people. It's all about being interested without seeming like you are. You can't be overly enthusiastic about it or you look like the aforementioned "interviewer". I'd say that social skills are 25% effort, 75% natural skill.

 

[yhelothar]

Originally posted by: lxskllr
People like talking about themselves, and things they are interested in. In my case I worked with a guy who was into NASCAR. I couldn't give a shit less, but he enjoyed talking about it, so I asked questions that he would enjoy answering. Just grab on to little details people reveal, and get them to expound on them. You have to phrase things so it doesn't sound like an interrogation, but if you can listen, most people are willing to talk.

is that really making friends by pretending to be interested, and could that even turn into a real friendship? I've had a few conversations like that before, but it never turned into a friendship.

Personally, from observing people who makes friends easily are the ones that give their commentary, maybe in a funny way, or just give their opinion, or speak their feeling. Even something as simple as, I'm soo tired, just to get people to empathize.
Perhaps they might ask a question if they've heard of/been to/etc of something they're interested in to see if the other person can connect with them, but that's not exactly showing interest in the other person.

I can think of few cases where showing interest helps get you friends. It usually seems like finding common interests or having respectable/influential opinions or being able to come up with funny/witty commentary about things when hanging out are the ones that create friendships.

 

[lxskllr]

Originally posted by: astroidea

Originally posted by: lxskllr
People like talking about themselves, and things they are interested in. In my case I worked with a guy who was into NASCAR. I couldn't give a shit less, but he enjoyed talking about it, so I asked questions that he would enjoy answering. Just grab on to little details people reveal, and get them to expound on them. You have to phrase things so it doesn't sound like an interrogation, but if you can listen, most people are willing to talk.

is that really making friends by pretending to be interested, and could that even turn into a real friendship? I've had a few conversations like that before, but it never turned into a friendship.

It's just an icebreaker, nothing's guaranteed. You can get a feel for what other people are about by hearing them talk of their interests. You then take it from there if you want to go farther with the relationship. It's just like talking to a chick. I don't care how hot she is, if she's an idiot, I'm not interested. By getting people to talk, even if it's just nonsense, you can tell if you want to take things farther.

 

[ConstipatedVigilante]

So...do you have any real friends? If you do, then you know what it's like when you "click" with someone. You're just not going to feel much of a bond with some people, and they'll feel the same way about you. Similar personalities tend to hang out together.

 

[yhelothar]

Originally posted by: ConstipatedVigilante
So...do you have any real friends? If you do, then you know what it's like when you "click" with someone. You're just not going to feel much of a bond with some people, and they'll feel the same way about you. Similar personalities tend to hang out together.

Yeah I have real friends that I clicked with before I began viewing myself critically as being self-centered, in which I tried showing interest in others, but then I ended up not clicking with anyone at all anymore, and I lost most of my real friends.

 

[lxskllr]

Originally posted by: astroidea

Yeah I have real friends that I clicked with before I began viewing myself critically as being self-centered, in which I tried showing interest in others, but then I ended up not clicking with anyone at all anymore, and I lost most of my real friends.

Maybe you don't like being around people so much. There's nothing wrong with that. I've never had a lot of friends, and that's my preference. I've always had a couple of people I was close to, and didn't try to get extras.

 

[Dear Summer]

I think what you are saying is true

examine your behavior and the type of things you say when you are around close friends/family.

you will find that majority of the time, you make STATEMENTS/COMMENTS and not questions. I guess questions are necessary in the beginning, but in a natural progression towards friendship, there should be less questioning and more comments

 

[ConstipatedVigilante]

Originally posted by: Dear Summer
I think what you are saying is true

examine your behavior and the type of things you say when you are around close friends/family.

you will find that majority of the time, you make STATEMENTS/COMMENTS and not questions. I guess questions are necessary in the beginning, but in a natural progression towards friendship, there should be less questioning and more comments

This. I have a decent amount of friends, but I've started analyzing relationships a bit more since I got to college. If you're constantly asking questions like an interviewer, you're going to alienate yourself. Ask a few subtle questions to find something to talk about, then just go with the flow.