It is? Oh well, at least in this case it really does apply...probably my favorite joke of all time.
It is? Oh well, at least in this case it really does apply...probably my favorite joke of all time.
UsandThem
Elite Member
- May 4, 2000
- 16,068
- 7,383
- 146
My wife loves it when I tell these at social events:
How do you know a woman is about to say something intelligent?
It will start with "a man once told me".
How do you know your wife is dead?
Well, the sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.
What is the worthless flesh around a vagina called?
The woman.
Why don't women fart?
They don't shut up long enough for pressure to build up.
Also, I just wanted to add, that regardless if you think that we should or should not be in Iraq, I would like to say i appreciate and admire your courage and the support of our country.
How do you know a woman is about to say something intelligent?
It will start with "a man once told me".
How do you know your wife is dead?
Well, the sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.
What is the worthless flesh around a vagina called?
The woman.
Why don't women fart?
They don't shut up long enough for pressure to build up.
Also, I just wanted to add, that regardless if you think that we should or should not be in Iraq, I would like to say i appreciate and admire your courage and the support of our country.
ROFLMAO!!!
This is just too dang funny! (that it not only has its OWN thread but gets put in another one as well!)
You apparently missed Dr Pizza's edit of the thread where the first guy quoted that long piece. He said do it again and get a vacation. Here take a vacation.
esquared
Ananadtech Senior Moderator
This is just too dang funny! (that it not only has its OWN thread but gets put in another one as well!)
You apparently missed Dr Pizza's edit of the thread where the first guy quoted that long piece. He said do it again and get a vacation. Here take a vacation.
esquared
Ananadtech Senior Moderator
For your consideration:
As a man is laying down to go to sleep his wife tells him "My Birthday is tomorrow and I want something that goes from 0 to 60 in three seconds sitting in the driveway when I get up tomorrow! If it isn't there, don't bother coming home.
So the next morning the husband gets up early and leaves a box with a large bow on it sitting in the middle of the driveway and leaves.
When the wife wakes up and see's it, she runs out side to grab the box and takes it back inside to open it.
When she does she finds a bathroom scale.
He hasn't been seen since.
As a man is laying down to go to sleep his wife tells him "My Birthday is tomorrow and I want something that goes from 0 to 60 in three seconds sitting in the driveway when I get up tomorrow! If it isn't there, don't bother coming home.
So the next morning the husband gets up early and leaves a box with a large bow on it sitting in the middle of the driveway and leaves.
When the wife wakes up and see's it, she runs out side to grab the box and takes it back inside to open it.
When she does she finds a bathroom scale.
He hasn't been seen since.
DainBramaged
Lifer
- Jun 19, 2003
- 23,454
- 41
- 91
Uh-rah Master Sergeant. I'm sitting in my Pashto class at the DLI and the best I could come up with was a joke I was told by one of our MCT instructors.
A Marine was on sentinel duty and was marching back and forth smartly, singing the Marine Corps hymn, with his M16 properly on his shoulder.
Well, Satan saw this and came up to God.
"God, what say you that you let me play a little mischief on this Marine. I mean, you and I both know that he's just a dumb jarhead. Let me take half of his brain, and we'll see what happens."
God acquiesces and Satan carries out his neferious plan. The Marine is just marching right along and BAM...half of his brain is taken.
The Marine is shaken, but he's been properly trained so he picks up his cover and puts it on straight, brushes off his cammies and grabs his rifle and starts marching smartly back and forth on his post, signing the Marine Corps hymn, and offering a small prayer of thanks to Chesty Puller that nothing more serious just happened.
Well, Satan decided that that wasn't enough.
"God," he said, "let me take another half of what is remaining of his brain. THEN we'll see what happens."
God lets him continue his evil experiment. BAM...the poor Marine loses half of his remaining brain.
Satan watches eagerly, but observes the same reaction from the Marine as the first time. He gathers himself up and carrys on.
In frustration, he goes to God one last time.
"Dammit, God, these Marines are tougher AND smarter than I thought. But just let me take his ENTIRE brain away, THEN we'll see what happens."
Against his better judgement, God allows it. BAM, the Marine loses his entire brain.
He sits on the ground for a few moments, dazed and confused. Then he stands up, picks up his cover and puts it on backwards, leaves his cammies all messy, grabs his rifle, and holds it crooked, with his finger on the trigger. He starts drunkenly walking and singing, "Be...all that you can be...in the Army."
Sorry, I know it's bad, but it's the best I had.
LCpl Morris
A Marine was on sentinel duty and was marching back and forth smartly, singing the Marine Corps hymn, with his M16 properly on his shoulder.
Well, Satan saw this and came up to God.
"God, what say you that you let me play a little mischief on this Marine. I mean, you and I both know that he's just a dumb jarhead. Let me take half of his brain, and we'll see what happens."
God acquiesces and Satan carries out his neferious plan. The Marine is just marching right along and BAM...half of his brain is taken.
The Marine is shaken, but he's been properly trained so he picks up his cover and puts it on straight, brushes off his cammies and grabs his rifle and starts marching smartly back and forth on his post, signing the Marine Corps hymn, and offering a small prayer of thanks to Chesty Puller that nothing more serious just happened.
Well, Satan decided that that wasn't enough.
"God," he said, "let me take another half of what is remaining of his brain. THEN we'll see what happens."
God lets him continue his evil experiment. BAM...the poor Marine loses half of his remaining brain.
Satan watches eagerly, but observes the same reaction from the Marine as the first time. He gathers himself up and carrys on.
In frustration, he goes to God one last time.
"Dammit, God, these Marines are tougher AND smarter than I thought. But just let me take his ENTIRE brain away, THEN we'll see what happens."
Against his better judgement, God allows it. BAM, the Marine loses his entire brain.
He sits on the ground for a few moments, dazed and confused. Then he stands up, picks up his cover and puts it on backwards, leaves his cammies all messy, grabs his rifle, and holds it crooked, with his finger on the trigger. He starts drunkenly walking and singing, "Be...all that you can be...in the Army."
Sorry, I know it's bad, but it's the best I had.
LCpl Morris
PlasmaBomb
Lifer
- Nov 19, 2004
- 11,636
- 2
- 81
roguerower
Diamond Member
- Nov 18, 2004
- 4,563
- 0
- 76
Ban stick is gonna come down hard...have a fun vacation
This one is meh...
The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'
'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'
'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'
'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen'
'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'
'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!'
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'
'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'
'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
'What are you doing Sister?'
'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner'
'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'
'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.
'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
A big smile crept across his face as he said,
'You fvckers are my kind of people!'
This one is meh...
The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'
'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'
'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'
'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen'
'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'
'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!'
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'
'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'
'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
'What are you doing Sister?'
'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner'
'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'
'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.
'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
A big smile crept across his face as he said,
'You fvckers are my kind of people!'
No more quotes of that joke unless someone else wants a week vacation.
esquared
Anandtech Senior Moderator
esquared
Anandtech Senior Moderator
theknight571
Platinum Member
- Mar 23, 2001
- 2,896
- 2
- 81
AreaCode707
Lifer
- Sep 21, 2001
- 18,447
- 133
- 106
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual mara thon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Yes our friended breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope.........just when it's raining.
grunt03 sends
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual mara thon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Yes our friended breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope.........just when it's raining.
grunt03 sends
SSSnail
Lifer
- Nov 29, 2006
- 17,458
- 83
- 86
Just a bunch of one liners...
What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down, turn them into a tire and call it a Goodyear.
How are coffins and condoms alike? They're both used to house stiff meat, except one is coming the other is going.
Who's the most popular guy at a nudist camp? The guy that can carry 2 coffee mugs and a dozen donuts at the same time.
Who's the most popular girl at a nudist camp? The one that can eat the last donut.
What do woman wish for? A gynecologist with Parkinsons.
What three two-letter words also represent small? Is it in?
What's the difference between like and love? Spit and swallow. Swallow should also replace the Dove as the symbol of love.
What do women to do their assholes before having sex? Drop them off at the golf course.
Why you don't want to be an egg? You only get laid once; it takes you 5 minutes to get hard and the only woman to ever sit on your face is your mom.
Why Santa Claus doesn't have any children? Because he only comes once a year and it's down the chimney.
...
What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down, turn them into a tire and call it a Goodyear.
How are coffins and condoms alike? They're both used to house stiff meat, except one is coming the other is going.
Who's the most popular guy at a nudist camp? The guy that can carry 2 coffee mugs and a dozen donuts at the same time.
Who's the most popular girl at a nudist camp? The one that can eat the last donut.
What do woman wish for? A gynecologist with Parkinsons.
What three two-letter words also represent small? Is it in?
What's the difference between like and love? Spit and swallow. Swallow should also replace the Dove as the symbol of love.
What do women to do their assholes before having sex? Drop them off at the golf course.
Why you don't want to be an egg? You only get laid once; it takes you 5 minutes to get hard and the only woman to ever sit on your face is your mom.
Why Santa Claus doesn't have any children? Because he only comes once a year and it's down the chimney.
...
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