Losing my mind slowly but surely...

[Axman]

When I was a younger man I always thought that no matter how bad things got I could always off myself and be done with it , but now that i have 2 great kids (2 boys 6 and 12 ) that is not an option anymore I would not have the heart to leave them with out a father , even after my wife left me with them , my life really sucks now but no matter how bad it gets I could not leave them without a father. I am holding on to my house and going broke doing it , but I have a hard time losing anything that reminds me of how my life used to be -- happy and fun packed with love for my wife Patti and my boys Kyle and Zach-- now that she's gone life is not the same its not as happy or fulfilling without her . I know I have to move on . move on with my life , get rid of the house that is making me broke no matter how much I want to keep this shrine to how my life used to be . I guess in the back of my mind I keep the thought alive -- maybe things will go back to the way they were -- I know they wont but the thought still stays lurking in the back of my mind, I cant leave and I cant stay - this is tearing me apart - I know what I have to do but doing it is a different story , I will not leave them without a father no matter how bad things get , that I would never do. If only she would come back to me , if only she loved me again , if only things would be as they
were , if only - if only .....

 

[StageLeft]

Hold old are you? Its good you're making sure your kids still have a father

Things can often go to hell in a handbasket, but then down comes the rain and cools it off. Hang in there! If you can't get back with your wife look at what you do have. Yes you're in a bad way for money and no wife now, but you have two great (probably) kids who love you, and thats worth more than a lot of people's "assets".

 

[Xzaver]

You only need know one thing my friend , no one is born a biggot.

Keep that in mind and you and your family will and can triumpth over anything.

 

[Kewlb]

one of those depressing days? I often get those sometimes. What happened with your wife you did not make it too clear, divorced or... I will leave it at or... - anyway no matter how bad things get, its never worth doing anything rash. Bills will eventually get paid and you will survive and things will get better, they always do.

 

[Beau]

I hear ya man... Whoever said that money can't buy happyness was on crack!

All I can say is hang in there. Sometimes life seems like it is horrible going on worse, but, in truth, life can only get better: you just have to go backwards a little to get there. As far as your wife goes, it may help to start dating again. My mother is going through the same thing. She started dating again, got a little fun and relief in her life, and has totally changed her attitude. It's amazing what a little companionship can do. Go have some fun!

Good luck man!

Beau

 

[TripleJ]

Sorry to hear that mate. I hope you make it over this tough part in your life relatively unscathed. You sound like you're made of some tough moral fibre, so I'm sure you will. If you need someone to talk to, we're always here 24/7 . Although a person face to face is probably better.

Many people who sail solo around the world get stuck in terrible storms, waves washing over the deck constantly. After a week or two, they wonder if it will ever end. But it always does, and they come out a stronger, better sailer for it.

 

[Azraele]

Aww Axman, I know things are rough. ...

But it sounds like it's time for you to take some command in your life instead of simply existing in it. You know what you need to do (you said so yourself), so it sounds to me like it's time for you to make a plan. You can't live in the past. Build yourself and your kids a future. Build up a life for both you and them, and it will be (with time) a happy one. Make new good memories to go with the old. Perhaps you'll meet someone new. You won't love her the same way you loved your wife, but you can love another, just in a slightly different way. Fortify yourself with strength in someone you can trust, someone who will help you, whether it be a best friend or a counselor.

Think about things long and hard. Look toward the future, and try and see it with a positive outlook, the sun peering through the present storm of clouds.

Good luck to you and yours.

 

[Axman]

Im 41 , she moved out almost a year ago. reason - and I qoute " I dont like my life anymore and Im not sure that Im still in love with you, I do love you like part of the family but Im not "in love" with you anymore. I just dont know what i want." we are not divorced yet but will be soon. To live "in want" of the things that used to be is a very hard way to live . To get yourself out of that way of thinking is even harder. If my love for her would only turn to hatetred things - I think - would be better. Changing

<< anything >>

that reminds me of the way things were is the hardest thing of all. I know that my life will go on , things will change I just wish that this could all happen "over night" so I wouldnt have to feel this soultearing emotion anymore.

 

[Azraele]

Axman, it may help you to write out what you're feeling. For example, every evening, sit down and write how you feel. Write about anything, something that happened that day, a cute thing one of your children did, whatever strikes your fancy. Try and incorporate into that writing a plan to make some of the changes you need to make, how they make you feel, and the potential good and bad things that may come of it. Sometimes, a person can learn a lot about themselves using this method, and will find that over time, as thoughts and emotions are put onto paper, that things get a little more in perspective.

 

[GodBlessTheUSA]

Azraele,

You are the most deserved Elite.

Axman,

If I can do anything, LMK. (I know him personally.)

 

[Tauren]

One step to help you 'move on' with your life would be to get rid of the house. It is probably tearing open wounds that would have started to heal by now. When I got divorced the first thing I did was sell the house. I didn't want to be reminded of how things used to be. I wanted to focus on how things could be. I know I'm making it sound easy, but I know it sucks. Get rid of the anchor.

Other things I did: got a new tattoo, piercing, and partied like a madman. I went to bar one night and the women doing body shots off of me! Things will get better when you make them get better.

I'm sorry hear that she never changed her mind.

 

[towelie]

huh?

 

[Geekbabe]

Axman,

Being a single parent is rough,particularly in the beginning when your emotions are raw from the breakup. What are you getting in terms of emotional and practical supports from your family and friends ? You might wish to see if there is a Parents without Partners chapter in your area, you can also give your local YMCA or Boy's/girl's club a call, they may well be able to hook you up with a single parents support group.You might also call your local dept of social services and/or any area men's group.

As to the money issue, has your Ex been ordered to pay child support ? if not you need to speak to your lawyer ASAP to get a temp order,her being unhappy with her life does not free her from the obligation to assist in the support of her kids.


if you want to chat or just want to scream, give me a pm, I've been doing the single parent thang for years now and can certainly empathise. !

 

[rudder]

I agree, sell the house. You still have your two sons. Love them and spend as much time with them as possible. trying to maintain that house is distracting you from what is most important in your life right now.

 

[Bitek]

Man. that's terrible, I'm sorry to hear...


<< Axman, it may help you to write out what you're feeling. For example, every evening, sit down and write how you feel. Write about anything, something that happened that day, a cute thing one of your children did, whatever strikes your fancy. Try and incorporate into that writing a plan to make some of the changes you need to make, how they make you feel, and the potential good and bad things that may come of it. Sometimes, a person can learn a lot about themselves using this method, and will find that over time, as thoughts and emotions are put onto paper, that things get a little more in perspective. >>



This is good advice. As a guy, I know I'd feel better if I came up with a (long-term) plan, and could focus on implementing it, instead of the misery of the situation (think of the workers at the WTC, too busy to think about the horror.) First step, sell the house! Its doing you (or your kids) any good financially or emotionally! You need to be strength for your kids to hold onto, as bad as things are, you have "only" lost a wife (which can be *replaced*, but they have lost a mother, not to death but abandonment, which is even worse :disgust: ) I don't think tattoos and drinking with scandalous women will be a good image for your kids to see...




<< she moved out almost a year ago. reason - and I qoute " I dont like my life anymore and Im not sure that Im still in love with you, I do love you like part of the family but Im not "in love" with you anymore. I just dont know what i want." >>



This is awful. The stupidest and most selfish excuse I could imagine for leaving your FAMILY. :disgust:!!! No wonder you're hurting, I can't imagine what your kids are feeling though. If my mother ever told me this.... They are going to need some real help, or you are going to have a lot of problems and acting out when they get older (one is almost a teenager, DANGER! DANGER!!!) I don't even know you, but I'm pissed at your wife.:|

Personally, if your ex could make a decision like this, I'd feel I was better off without her.

 

[Freejack2]

I agree with Tauren on this. Sell the house and move on with your life. I know it hurts but get back out into the world and start dating again. Go to social groups and clubs. Make some new friends meet nice women, etc...
Sitting around moping isn't going to help. Just be wary when your kids try hooking you up with their divorced school teacher.

 

[Bitek]

<< It is time for all humans to stand up and take action. Everyone should be preparing their immune systems for the inevitable and ongoing bacterial introduction into the air we breath.(what???, this is nonsense!) Everyone should be making an effort to "Come out" to Jesus christ. The end is near. If you don't believe me, read the bible. It is time for all humans to cleanse their souls. etc, etc. >>



Thanks for that completely useless advice! Substituting one "brainwashing" for another isn't going to help anybody.

 

[Axman]

wallowing in self-pity , that in its self is sometimes a hard thing to break out from under. But yes you are right I have to dump the house and move in somewhere I can afford . My kids will understand ,I hope, I have been seeing a lady that I dated about 22 years ago(she is a Highschool Social Studies Teacher), she has been great and she wants me to move in to her basement appartment I am considering it because its a block away from Huntinton Harbor here on Long Island and right across the street from a great park with a ballfield and playground. I think that my kids would love it. She wants to get very serious with me, I still have feelings for her (you know the first real love and all) but I told her that I have to clean up my life first before I get myself into something else. Then again I might not want to get into another relationship. I think she wants to get married and have kids and I have been there and done that so I dont think that we will be together in the long run , but who knows.

 

[StageLeft]

Hey thats already something to look up for (the lady)!

 

[Miramonti]

Hang in there axman. Time heals. I commend you for putting your kids first and in the long run this decision will reward each of you.

 

[philandjan]

I saw your post and had to respond. Why is it that guys cry over the woman who treats them like crap (your wife leaving with some lame excuse is crap to me) and there is another woman who you say treats you great and yet you are boo - hooing for the exwife? Your lucky that you have someone who wants to get serious with you and maybe have a future together. If my husband ever laid that line of b.s. on me - I'd kick him out the door and NEVER look back ---- and hope to rebuild with someone who really loves me.
We live on LI and you are lucky - Huntington is a beautiful place.

 

[philandjan]

anyone else like to respond?

 

[Azraele]

<< Then again I might not want to get into another relationship. I think she wants to get married and have kids and I have been there and done that so I dont think that we will be together in the long run , but who knows. >>



I understand that it will take some time to let things heal and get back to normal, but please, do not be afraid to get back on the horse after you've fallen off. If things work out, I think you could be very happy together with her.

 

[db]

<< ... I could always off myself and be done with it , but now that i have 2 great kids ( >>



I've been there--all of it.
Axman, I don't know you, but I've noticed some of your posts and I can tell you are a good person. You might not feel good about yourself, but have you considered that other people might think you are "good people"? Believe me, you are worth it. And I'm sure your kids think the world of you. They need you, and you are the most important person in the world to them at their tender ages.
And you know what--maybe others need you too--but even that is not enought reason to check out; you need to realise that you are OK (and you are). Believe me, there are more times that are worth it than there are times of desperation. And times of desperation are not a reason to check out. I can tell you are not a coward from the posts you make; I get the impression that people respect you, though you may not realise it!

You're not going to like this, but you need to feel the pain--face the fact that she left, and that she's not coming back. Obviously this is HER problem, not yours--otherwise she would not have left the kids too. The kids need you. It sucks that she left, but she did. YOU can't change someone else. Nobody can change someone else. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!

Like I said, the situation sucks and you can even say that it's not fair (it's not), but you HAVE to move on, my friend. So feel the pain--do not avoid it--for in feeling the pain you will face and deal with it, which is what you need. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. And in doing so, you will improve your lot and also that of your kids.

Go forward, my brother.

 

[Cattlegod]

ok, sit down and read what you have just said.


you wrote what we call "warning signs"

this is your attempt to reach out and get help. now realize, and get help for yourself. talk things over with someone, you need to decide what you want to spend the rest of your life doing.

you are also hitting what we call "mid life crisis"

and that in itself warrants some action or change in your life. find someone you really trust, care about and sit down and have a long long talk with that person.