live in relationship

[kulki]

Hey guys,
I was wondering what sort of experiences have u guys had with live in relationships if at all. I read in some statistics that live in relationships fail a lot. The failure rate of live in relationships in much much higher than that of divorce rates. SO do u think a couple should not move in together before they are married?

 

[Atlantean]

Some people can pull it off, but there are many others that end up breaking up and being mad or whatever at eachother for a long time. I guess it depends on how much you believe in your relationship.

 

[Cooltech2k]

I Think Its a Good Ideal to Live togeather before getting married.... That Way you would know what your getting into before getting married

 

[kulki]

Atlantean:
Just one short of the magical 2000 posts. TYhats a lot of posts man

 

[StageLeft]

They are likely higher because unlike in a divorce if you need to terminate the relationship you can do so quite easily. I would highly recommend living with your gf before getting married. If you're "scared" it may make the relationship end all the more reason before foolishly getting married.

 

[ShallowHal]

Live with her first. You never really know someone until you live with them.

 

[cherrytwist]

Been living with my woman for ~5 years and still going strong. We've been engaged for about a year (taking our time, wanna do it right ).

Quite frankly, I don't see things changing much when we're married. Which is fine by me, we're pretty happy "as is".

 

[iamwiz82]

I live with my girlfriend and have for the last 6 months. We have been driving each other up the walls lately, but recently we finally stopped and talked about it. We both realized that we have to think about the other person's point of view. We were getting into arguements about how i was insensitive and she was hyper-sensitive and throwing accusations around. But, its SO much better now.

COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY. Talk to each other when upset. Work out differences. It works and makes things so much better. SO

 

[royaldank]

I've lived with my girlfriend for the last year and a half. We've been engaged about five months. I'd recommend living together if you are the least bit interested in possibly marrying her. However, it makes breaking up a lot rougher, so I'd think about it before you try it. Don't try it to see if getting married would be cool.

 

[kulki]

Well thats how the arguement goes right, live with him so that u get to know him better and in case things dont work out u just move on with ur life. And since u arent married it easier to move out. But conversely because ur not married I think couples may not put in that much effort to solve their differences. I mean that live in couples might just agree to separate more easily than married couples. Who know if the same couple who broke had felt obligated to try harder might have stayed together for 30 happy years.

 

[MichaelD]

<< COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY >>



And there you have it. Living together takes WORK. If you've done it before it's easier than if it's your first time. It's better if you've both cohabitated before, b/c you both know what to expect and how to handle the curves that will definitely thrown at you.

Some advice for the cohabitating newbie.

1. Do not get a joint bank account right off the bat. Trust me. It's a pain in the butt for her to give you a $400 (for example) check to cover her share of things, but it'll be worth the trouble if the relationship goes South.

2. Have a talk when things are good (the beginning) to discuss "this is what we both promise to do and NOT do" if this doesn't work out. Discuss who will get what and that she PROMISES not to smash your acoustic guitar on top of your 19" LCD monitor.

3. Set ground rules for visitors. You won't let your guy friends pass out drunk on the couch (not often, anyway) if she won't have her cackling-hen girlfriends over at 0600 on Saturday morning for a "nail party." Things of that nature.

Good luck. When it's good, it's the best, but when it's bad...you will wish you were still living at home.

 

[StageLeft]

<< Well thats how the arguement goes right, live with him so that u get to know him better and in case things dont work out u just move on with ur life. And since u arent married it easier to move out. But conversely because ur not married I think couples may not put in that much effort to solve their differences. I mean that live in couples might just agree to separate more easily than married couples. Who know if the same couple who broke had felt obligated to try harder might have stayed together for 30 happy years. >>

Although marriage takes some effort if staying with the person takes so much effort you can't even stomach them for short periods of time living together I think that is important to know. Overall I really do think that living together is a good idea.

 

[obiwaynekenobi]

<< Live with her first. You never really know someone until you live with them. >>



I had someone tell me to Live with the person that I wanted to marry first for TWO years. becuase in a two year time your going to see every aspect of the relationship and decide wither or not you want to continue before getting into marriage.

In some cases I've seen people do this and sometime sit works and sometimes it doens't. it's a matter of personal opinion.

Of course if alot of people do this, it would explain the live in break up.

 

[kulki]

<<

<< COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY >>



And there you have it. Living together takes WORK. If you've done it before it's easier than if it's your first time. It's better if you've both cohabitated before, b/c you both know what to expect and how to handle the curves that will definitely thrown at you.

Some advice for the cohabitating newbie.

1. Do not get a joint bank account right off the bat. Trust me. It's a pain in the butt for her to give you a $400 (for example) check to cover her share of things, but it'll be worth the trouble if the relationship goes South.

2. Have a talk when things are good (the beginning) to discuss "this is what we both promise to do and NOT do" if this doesn't work out. Discuss who will get what and that she PROMISES not to smash your acoustic guitar on top of your 19" LCD monitor.

3. Set ground rules for visitors. You won't let your guy friends pass out drunk on the couch (not often, anyway) if she won't have her cackling-hen girlfriends over at 0600 on Saturday morning for a "nail party." Things of that nature.

Good luck. When it's good, it's the best, but when it's bad...you will wish you were still living at home. >>


I cant believe how right you are about all the three points. Darn if only soneone had told me this before. It took me nearly 1 year to realize all this. When u mention it it seems like the most reasonable thing to do. But when u are in love and ur caught up in the excitement of the present and dreaming about the future u somehow dont think about sich things as bank accounts, visitors, talking about day to day life. God I wish I had asked u guys this an year ago.

 

[obiwaynekenobi]

<< I cant believe how right you are about all the three points. Darn if only soneone had told me this before. It took me nearly 1 year to realize all this. When u mention it it seems like the most reasonable thing to do. But when u are in love and ur caught up in the excitement of the present and dreaming about the future u somehow dont think about sich things as bank accounts, visitors, talking about day to day life. God I wish I had asked u guys this an year ago. >>




See Now that's what you get for not consulting the Intelligence of the masses.....

of course that could be dangerous because my theory that The general public as a whole is an ID10T.

 

[MichaelD]

Heh, it's not smarts; it's experience. Here's a "HOORAY! We've moved in together!" timeline.

1. Week one thru week four - have sex
2. Week four thru week six - have really raunchy sex and eat lots of food.
3. Months two thru four - buy lots of furniture you can't afford, but it's OK "we're both paying on it."
4. Months five thru nine - get comfy, get on each other's nerves a little, but holding it together.
5. Months nine thru twelve - fightining a lot. Both of you go out after work (not w/each other) so you don't have to come home.
6. Months twelve thru fifteen - pretend you're asleep w/other crawls into bed.
7. Months fifteen thru end - don't come home most of the time, no food in fridge, house is filthy b/c nobody there to clean...nor does anyone care to clean.
8. End, and hope you followed steps 1-3 in my previous post.


Personally, I love living alone. BUT that is ME. YMMV. She has her place, I have mine. We stay over each other's places and I like it that way.

 

[Mustangrrl]

I lived with my former boyfriend for about 4 years... I definitely think people should live together before they get married, how else are you going to know if that's the right person for you? We eventually called it quits, we just knew we weren't right for each other, but living together had it's great moments, and we had a lot of fun.
~robyn

 

[AreaCode707]

Just speaking from statistics I've seen, couples who get married who have cohabited beforehand have a higher divorce rate. Don't have the stats on hand, sorry.

 

[Grinchy]

relationships change and grow when the individuals in them change and grow. without the 'confines' of marriage, the commitment to grow with your partner is not there (in most cases), so the relationship dissolves.

you can have 'marriage' commitment without being married, of course.

just assume that if you live with someone the relationship will not continue onto a marriage (if that's your goal), as the commitment may not be present (remember 2 folks in a relationship).

I think living together is a good idea - but not for too long - maybe 18 months tops. if you aren't engaged by then, with definite plans to continue to grow the relationship, then why are you in it? that's just procrastinating in a comfortable place, not living life. this of course assumes you WANT a life partner. not everyone does.

 

[Squisher]

Well me and "The Old Ball and Chain" buck the trend, lived together a couple of years, been married 18 years next month.

 

[Mursilis]

<< Just speaking from statistics I've seen, couples who get married who have cohabited beforehand have a higher divorce rate. Don't have the stats on hand, sorry. >>



You're absolutely right. See studies by David Popenoe at Rutgers, among other social scientists. Some of his conclusions:

But a careful review of the available social science evidence suggests that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce. What?s more, it shows that the rise in cohabitation is not a positive family trend. Cohabiting unions tend to weaken the institution of marriage and pose clear and present dangers for women and children. Specifically, the research indicates that:

Living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage.
Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.
Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and well-being than married couples.

 

[snowdogg187]

its a very good idea to live with each other first, at least I think so.

 

[QueHuong]

<< But a careful review of the available social science evidence suggests that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce. What?s more, it shows that the rise in cohabitation is not a positive family trend. Cohabiting unions tend to weaken the institution of marriage and pose clear and present dangers for women and children. Specifically, the research indicates that:

Living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage.
Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.
Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and well-being than married couples. >>



Keep in mind that correlation does not imply causation. Just because the number of unmarried couples living together positively correlates to higher number of divorces, cohabitation DOESN'T CAUSE more divorces. There are confounding variables. For example, couples who don't communicate well in the first place think living together before marriage will give them the practice. But the root of the problem is the lack of communication. Unless there is a controlled "experiment" that shows cohabitation equals divorce, you can't assume anything about the cause and effect relationship.

*Flexes his AP Statistics muscles*

 

[littlelilith]

I think it can go either way. On one hand, you get to know them in a way you wouldn't have known them if you hadn't lived with them. You get to know if there are things about that person that you simply couldn't stand living with.

On the other hand, I think a couple might not try so hard to work things out when they're just living together as opposed to a married couple. Both reasons make sense to me...

 

[iamwiz82]

<< Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children. >>



WTF does living with a girlfriend have to do with sexual abuse? I can massage numbers also, if i wanted to get a certain result. I'd LOVE to see his sample from where he got this data.