Soybomb...
We've chosen to avoid becoming very physical. I spent a week with her & her family in June, sleeping in her bed (no, she wasn't in it
), & never even kissed her. As for physical affection that's non-sexual, we're fine there. But I'm not going to know anything further until I'm married to her.
Viper GTS
We've chosen to avoid becoming very physical. I spent a week with her & her family in June, sleeping in her bed (no, she wasn't in it
), & never even kissed her. As for physical affection that's non-sexual, we're fine there. But I'm not going to know anything further until I'm married to her.Viper GTS
geno
Lifer
- Dec 26, 1999
- 25,074
- 4
- 0
So when you two get together (weather it's to hang out or go do something, etc.) - what is the general atmosphere between you two? What I'm getting at is - are you certain she feels the same way about you? I'd just like to know so I can better understand the situation...
General atmosphere...
Very, very good. Aside from about 2 minutes of awkwardness when we first met (remember the whole OR/PA thing?) we're just as comfortable in person as we are on the phone. Physically we're very affectionate, but not sexual. Does she feel the same way about me? Yes, that's what prompted this thread. I've been planning on marrying her for some time now, but she was never 100% sure of things. 4 days ago things finally hit her. It came out of nowhere, & hit her so hard she cried. Literally. I was waiting for her to reach the same conclusion I did, without being talked into it. She reached the conclusion she did completely on her own, I hadn't even talked to her for 4 days (we don't talk when I work).
Viper GTS
Very, very good. Aside from about 2 minutes of awkwardness when we first met (remember the whole OR/PA thing?) we're just as comfortable in person as we are on the phone. Physically we're very affectionate, but not sexual. Does she feel the same way about me? Yes, that's what prompted this thread. I've been planning on marrying her for some time now, but she was never 100% sure of things. 4 days ago things finally hit her. It came out of nowhere, & hit her so hard she cried. Literally. I was waiting for her to reach the same conclusion I did, without being talked into it. She reached the conclusion she did completely on her own, I hadn't even talked to her for 4 days (we don't talk when I work).
Viper GTS
Wait, you haven't kissed her, you are techincally best friends, and you want to look into engagement rings? Is your father a priest?
Well I think I'm outta advice now I don't think I could be planning to buy a ring for a girl I hadn't kissed yet. I'm not saying you guys need to be gettin' it on but I think the kiss is pretty basic and isn't necessarily sexual, but just another show of affection alot of the time. I hope it all goes well for ya.
I don't think I could be planning to buy a ring for a girl I hadn't kissed yet. I'm not saying you guys need to be gettin' it on but I think the kiss is pretty basic and isn't necessarily sexual, but just another show of affection alot of the time. I hope it all goes well for ya.Not real sure what the huge deal is about never having kissed her... And no, my dad isn't a priest.
I'm not saying we won't kiss, or that we have anything against it, we just haven't. Primarily because the week I was at her house she still had a b/f.
Viper GTS
I'm not saying we won't kiss, or that we have anything against it, we just haven't. Primarily because the week I was at her house she still had a b/f.
Viper GTS
If you and gf are truly meant for each other then your preferences on things should be somewhat close .. in other words if you pick out something ( in a matching set ) that you like she will probably like it too .. if gf is just after a huge showoff rock be sure to get a marriage contract so you both know where it'll go after the divorce !
sw
sw
Get this...I'm Typing sounding exactly like Dr. Laura!!?? I must be in the Twilght Zone!
You are on the right track if you plan on a 2+ year engagement......
Hey! My Daughter not good enough for ya?? Your mama wears Army Boots and dresses you funny...!!
Say so long to fast cars and fast computers...........
You are on the right track if you plan on a 2+ year engagement......
Hey! My Daughter not good enough for ya?? Your mama wears Army Boots and dresses you funny...!!
Say so long to fast cars and fast computers...........
Well here is the way I look at it. The physical intimacy, of which kissing is one of the most basic elements is what seperates a girl friend, from a girlfriend Without that its nearly the same as offering a ring to one of my good guy friends. In no way am I saying that you arent able to go without kissing the girl until you're wedding night, I'm just saying it's something you should know that will work out well before you agree that you two want to be with each other for the rest of your lives!
Without that its nearly the same as offering a ring to one of my good guy friends. In no way am I saying that you arent able to go without kissing the girl until you're wedding night, I'm just saying it's something you should know that will work out well before you agree that you two want to be with each other for the rest of your lives!Tom, you never showed me the pics, remember?
Soybomb...
I view sex as an extension of the emotional intimacy, not something separate. If the emotional intimacy is there, sex will be great. It's not so much what's going on "down there" as it is what's going on face to face between husband and wife. And I already know we have that part down. The physical act will be second nature.
Viper GTS
Soybomb...
I view sex as an extension of the emotional intimacy, not something separate. If the emotional intimacy is there, sex will be great. It's not so much what's going on "down there" as it is what's going on face to face between husband and wife. And I already know we have that part down. The physical act will be second nature.
Viper GTS
Having another year before you actually make the purchase will allow you to further develop the relationship, as well as giving you time to know what you want to get. You should definitely step beyond the 'best friends' stage and go to 'girlfriend/boyfriend' stage (regardless of the physical intimacy question) before you actually propose and spend the money on a ring. Just because you pretty much act like you're gf/bf and everybody thinks of you that way, until you've actually gone ahead and said it, it leaves the question open, which could be seen as a bit of unsureness on one side or the other. My opinion is that you shouldn't be considering proposing to her at all until you've decided that you at least want a 'relationship' beyond just being best friends. You marry a girlfriend, you don't marry a best friend (though they can be one and the same person).
It's good to start saving your money now, whether you're going to be buying a ring or not. Then when the year passes, you either buy a ring or you've got a nice pile of money to get something useful for yourself. I wouldn't worry about what KIND of ring to get at this point, just make sure that you're saving enough that you could get ANYTHING you wanted to when the time comes. Don't set a certain price that you want to meet. Set an amount that's well above what you expect to spend, then plan your saving to meet that amount.
That way, if something happens along the way which requires a large amount of money, it won't set you so far back from the ability to buy the ring, you'll have saved up a little 'insurance' on it (you will, I assume, create a savings account or certificate of deposit at the bank so that you can earn interest on the money). Plus, when it comes time to buy the ring, if the one you want to get happens to cost a little more than you'd originally expected, then you've got the extra. And if it doesn't go beyond that, then you've got some extra money to spend on the plans for where and how you'll propose (which can be as important as the ring).
Two month's salary is ludicrous these days for buying a ring, for many people. I could get a huge rock for two months of my pay, but I don't see the point.
Personally, I prefer rings with a lot of small diamonds (if any diamonds at all). Big rocks just look tacky to me. You want elegance and quality, not quantity.
I'll hold back on my opinions about how the purchase is to be made, as that's not my say and as long as you're happy it's right. (Not that my opinions above about the relationship are anything to listen to.)
It's good to start saving your money now, whether you're going to be buying a ring or not. Then when the year passes, you either buy a ring or you've got a nice pile of money to get something useful for yourself. I wouldn't worry about what KIND of ring to get at this point, just make sure that you're saving enough that you could get ANYTHING you wanted to when the time comes. Don't set a certain price that you want to meet. Set an amount that's well above what you expect to spend, then plan your saving to meet that amount.
That way, if something happens along the way which requires a large amount of money, it won't set you so far back from the ability to buy the ring, you'll have saved up a little 'insurance' on it (you will, I assume, create a savings account or certificate of deposit at the bank so that you can earn interest on the money). Plus, when it comes time to buy the ring, if the one you want to get happens to cost a little more than you'd originally expected, then you've got the extra. And if it doesn't go beyond that, then you've got some extra money to spend on the plans for where and how you'll propose (which can be as important as the ring).
Two month's salary is ludicrous these days for buying a ring, for many people. I could get a huge rock for two months of my pay, but I don't see the point.
Personally, I prefer rings with a lot of small diamonds (if any diamonds at all). Big rocks just look tacky to me. You want elegance and quality, not quantity.
I'll hold back on my opinions about how the purchase is to be made, as that's not my say and as long as you're happy it's right. (Not that my opinions above about the relationship are anything to listen to.
)so viper, i suppose you have to buy the ring from a guy then... jewelers will always give their opinion. the stuck up ones at some stores will make you wanna kick their ass. my advice is to not do it, kick their asses that is.
anyway... go browsing the stores to find how much what looks good to you is... and then knock 20% off the price to see if it's in your price range.
jewelers will always give their opinion. the stuck up ones at some stores will make you wanna kick their ass. my advice is to not do it, kick their asses that is. anyway... go browsing the stores to find how much what looks good to you is... and then knock 20% off the price to see if it's in your price range.
i feel like kicking lord evermore's ass because i am poor.
not exactly dirt poor... but let's say it'll take a few months for my parents to make $10000 dollars... and by few, i mean, it's a number i can't count on one hand...
not exactly dirt poor... but let's say it'll take a few months for my parents to make $10000 dollars... and by few, i mean, it's a number i can't count on one hand...
From a different thread in OT:
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher."
- Socrates
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher."
- Socrates
Lord Evermore...
There will be an in-between stage of officially b/f & g/f before we get engaged. I would, however, disagree with one statement you made:
You marry a girlfriend, you don't marry a best friend (though they can be one and the same person)
The person you marry had better be your best friend, you can't expect that to magically happen after you marry them. That's one of my biggest reasons for wanting to marry her... She is my best friend. That means more to me than anything else. I don't want a girlfriend, I want the one friend that I get to take with me everywhere. Plus she's gorgeous.
Viper GTS
There will be an in-between stage of officially b/f & g/f before we get engaged. I would, however, disagree with one statement you made:
You marry a girlfriend, you don't marry a best friend (though they can be one and the same person)
The person you marry had better be your best friend, you can't expect that to magically happen after you marry them. That's one of my biggest reasons for wanting to marry her... She is my best friend. That means more to me than anything else. I don't want a girlfriend, I want the one friend that I get to take with me everywhere. Plus she's gorgeous.
Viper GTS
BoberFett
Lifer
- Oct 9, 1999
- 37,562
- 9
- 81
Viper
She is your best friend right now. I can't emphasize that enough. You're only 19, you've got a long way to go before you know what you want in life. The two of you will likely change drastically in the next several years. I thought I was pretty mature at 19 when I got married. My marriage right now is hanging on by a thread. It's only been 5 1/2 years, but my wife and I have found that we want very different things in life.
I know you've said that you don't plan on getting married for a while, so why the rush to get engaged? An engagement is easier to call off than a marriage, but still harder than just breaking up with a girlfriend. Once there's a ring on that finger there's a lot of pressure, not only from within the relationship but also from the outside to stay together. If in a few years you decide that marriage isn't right for the two of you, you'll find a lot of resistance to your breaking the engagement.
I'm starting to sound all preachy so I'll stop. But I'm speaking from experience. You seem to be a nice guy Viper, and I hate to see bad things happen to good people.
She is your best friend right now. I can't emphasize that enough. You're only 19, you've got a long way to go before you know what you want in life. The two of you will likely change drastically in the next several years. I thought I was pretty mature at 19 when I got married. My marriage right now is hanging on by a thread. It's only been 5 1/2 years, but my wife and I have found that we want very different things in life.
I know you've said that you don't plan on getting married for a while, so why the rush to get engaged? An engagement is easier to call off than a marriage, but still harder than just breaking up with a girlfriend. Once there's a ring on that finger there's a lot of pressure, not only from within the relationship but also from the outside to stay together. If in a few years you decide that marriage isn't right for the two of you, you'll find a lot of resistance to your breaking the engagement.
I'm starting to sound all preachy so I'll stop. But I'm speaking from experience. You seem to be a nice guy Viper, and I hate to see bad things happen to good people.
kami
Lifer
- Oct 9, 1999
- 17,627
- 5
- 81
I agree with BoberFett...
Right now you probably think you're the best for each other in the whole world, that nothing could tear you guys apart...but things change...hell, people change. Age 18-21 is probably where we change most...it's when we decide what direction we are going to take in our lives. I think it's best to wait a few years after you know what you want from life before you get married. You have said you would wait 3 years, but like Bober said...there is lots of pressure (when engaged) to get married no matter what. Not trying to discourage you...I think it's great you have found your life partner already, but just take it was caution.
Being christian forbids you to live with her before making any kind of engagement? You will learn a lot more about a person when you start living with them, don't forget that either.
good luck
Right now you probably think you're the best for each other in the whole world, that nothing could tear you guys apart...but things change...hell, people change. Age 18-21 is probably where we change most...it's when we decide what direction we are going to take in our lives. I think it's best to wait a few years after you know what you want from life before you get married. You have said you would wait 3 years, but like Bober said...there is lots of pressure (when engaged) to get married no matter what. Not trying to discourage you...I think it's great you have found your life partner already, but just take it was caution.
Being christian forbids you to live with her before making any kind of engagement? You will learn a lot more about a person when you start living with them, don't forget that either.
good luck
Be careful if you buy Zale's jewelers. I think they are nationwide.
A buddy of mine plopped $3000 for an engagement ring there. Two years later he went to sell it (a long story) and found out it was only worth about $400.
A buddy of mine plopped $3000 for an engagement ring there. Two years later he went to sell it (a long story) and found out it was only worth about $400.
Viper, being best friends certainly will make it better, but it's still no guarantee. As others have said, you'll change a lot in the next few years. I'm glad you'll be waiting before going from best friends to engaged, and that you'll be putting the bf/gf stage in there as well, because there are differences between that and best friends.
Staying engaged for a long time after that is also a very good idea. If you can last that long, and at the end of it you both want marriage, then you'll likely have a good life. And if you can't last that long, then it probably shouldn't have happened at all.
Stick to your guns about physical intimacy. If it's what you want, then it's right. If later you both decide that you don't feel you need to wait for marriage, then it's okay to change your mind, as long as it's what you feel is right for you both.
You both will definitely change in the next few years, so don't be too surprised if it doesn't last and the marriage doesn't happen. You especially are likely to change. You're just getting out of high school, presumably going to college. You'll be meeting new people and having new experiences. However if it does last, then good for you both and I hope you're happy for a very long time. (She's cute and you seem okay and you like her so she's probably okay too and it's always nice to hear about a couple that's cute and nice and lasts a long time together.)
When I first moved to Massachusetts, I thought for sure I'd be marrying my girlfriend soon...we broke up within a year and a half because we found out just how different we were. During that time I reached a point that I thought we might end up married anyway just because I didn't know how to get out of it, but we finally ended it because we nearly wanted to kill each other. Don't let something like that happen to you. You've been 'together' for a while now, but not in an actual admitted relationship, which will change things. And as the years pass and you both change, you may come to find you're no longer on the same path in life.
My mother was married twice. One guy, my father, she divorced because he's a psycho (and unfortunately I take after him in too many ways). The second husband died. Then my aunt introduced my mom to someone. He'd been married twice before to nutjob women. They dated for six years before he finally proposed, and they've been happily married for about 4 years now. I don't know that it would have lasted if they'd gotten married sooner, or they may have been a bit more unhappy in the marriage. She was still responsible for both of my brothers up until a short time before he proposed, so that would have gotten in the way. And they both needed to decide if they wanted another marriage. But they took the time they needed to make the decision and to make sure they both knew what they wanted from each other.
Staying engaged for a long time after that is also a very good idea. If you can last that long, and at the end of it you both want marriage, then you'll likely have a good life. And if you can't last that long, then it probably shouldn't have happened at all.
Stick to your guns about physical intimacy. If it's what you want, then it's right. If later you both decide that you don't feel you need to wait for marriage, then it's okay to change your mind, as long as it's what you feel is right for you both.
You both will definitely change in the next few years, so don't be too surprised if it doesn't last and the marriage doesn't happen. You especially are likely to change. You're just getting out of high school, presumably going to college. You'll be meeting new people and having new experiences. However if it does last, then good for you both and I hope you're happy for a very long time. (She's cute and you seem okay and you like her so she's probably okay too and it's always nice to hear about a couple that's cute and nice and lasts a long time together.
)When I first moved to Massachusetts, I thought for sure I'd be marrying my girlfriend soon...we broke up within a year and a half because we found out just how different we were. During that time I reached a point that I thought we might end up married anyway just because I didn't know how to get out of it, but we finally ended it because we nearly wanted to kill each other. Don't let something like that happen to you. You've been 'together' for a while now, but not in an actual admitted relationship, which will change things. And as the years pass and you both change, you may come to find you're no longer on the same path in life.
My mother was married twice. One guy, my father, she divorced because he's a psycho (and unfortunately I take after him in too many ways). The second husband died. Then my aunt introduced my mom to someone. He'd been married twice before to nutjob women. They dated for six years before he finally proposed, and they've been happily married for about 4 years now. I don't know that it would have lasted if they'd gotten married sooner, or they may have been a bit more unhappy in the marriage. She was still responsible for both of my brothers up until a short time before he proposed, so that would have gotten in the way. And they both needed to decide if they wanted another marriage. But they took the time they needed to make the decision and to make sure they both knew what they wanted from each other.
Lord Evermore...
First off, thanks for taking the time to write lengthy replies. I appreciate it.
Anyway...
I realize being best friends isn't the guarantee to a happy marriage. There's probably nothing tht can guarantee that 100%. But it's an important one. When everything else matches up as well, having that person be your best friend is just an added benefit.
I've never been real fond of the long engagement. I think it puts unnecessary stress on a couple, especially if they've decided to save sex for marriage. In this case, though, I'm not too opposed to it. Both of us want some sort of commitment, but with her in school we won't be getting married for a while unless something major changes.
I don't doubt that we both will change a lot in the next few years. And I wouldn't be nearly so sure about this if I was just getting out of high school. I've been out of college for two years now, working full time since I was 16. (I got my AS & half of an engineering degree, got sick of calculus, & quit to work full time.) So I don't expect to change to much. I've had steady, full-time employment for two years, pay my rent, insurance, & phone bills, & most of my own food. So I'm not the average 18 year old. She's a fairly typical 19, almost 20 year old, though. She's just starting her second year of college, & expects to have three more years after this year to finish. By then I hope to be at least CCNA certified, hopefully CCNP. I figure that, combined with her income doing whatever she decides to with a poly-sci degree should put us well over $100K. Pay off her tuition debts in one year, & be free & clear after that.
Neither of us intends to allow ourselves to get locked into something that isn't going to work. If we decide it won't work, we'll call it off. I have full faith that we could do that, since she called off a three year relationship with her boyfriend when she finally realized how crazy she was for forcing it to work.
Whew...
Viper GTS
First off, thanks for taking the time to write lengthy replies. I appreciate it.
Anyway...
I realize being best friends isn't the guarantee to a happy marriage. There's probably nothing tht can guarantee that 100%. But it's an important one. When everything else matches up as well, having that person be your best friend is just an added benefit.
I've never been real fond of the long engagement. I think it puts unnecessary stress on a couple, especially if they've decided to save sex for marriage. In this case, though, I'm not too opposed to it. Both of us want some sort of commitment, but with her in school we won't be getting married for a while unless something major changes.
I don't doubt that we both will change a lot in the next few years. And I wouldn't be nearly so sure about this if I was just getting out of high school. I've been out of college for two years now, working full time since I was 16. (I got my AS & half of an engineering degree, got sick of calculus, & quit to work full time.) So I don't expect to change to much. I've had steady, full-time employment for two years, pay my rent, insurance, & phone bills, & most of my own food. So I'm not the average 18 year old. She's a fairly typical 19, almost 20 year old, though. She's just starting her second year of college, & expects to have three more years after this year to finish. By then I hope to be at least CCNA certified, hopefully CCNP. I figure that, combined with her income doing whatever she decides to with a poly-sci degree should put us well over $100K. Pay off her tuition debts in one year, & be free & clear after that.
Neither of us intends to allow ourselves to get locked into something that isn't going to work. If we decide it won't work, we'll call it off. I have full faith that we could do that, since she called off a three year relationship with her boyfriend when she finally realized how crazy she was for forcing it to work.
Whew...
Viper GTS
Viper I can't relate with you at all but I wish you the best of luck. Love doesn't involve any particular equation and there's no right way to do anything.
Have you ever thought about designing the ring yourself? I remember watching some TV show and some CAD guy designed his fiance's engagement ring in AutoCAD and had a jeweller make it. I thought that was really cool. Unfortunately, I don't trust my artistic abilities enough to even attempt that!
I have a hard enough time getting the right size ring for my GF let alone one that she'll like!
-GL
Have you ever thought about designing the ring yourself? I remember watching some TV show and some CAD guy designed his fiance's engagement ring in AutoCAD and had a jeweller make it. I thought that was really cool. Unfortunately, I don't trust my artistic abilities enough to even attempt that!
I have a hard enough time getting the right size ring for my GF let alone one that she'll like!
-GL
cwand...
Long story, but the basic is this:
She & a friend of mine who frequents this board (who's name I won't mention) were both involved with private schools who had a satellite link with Bob Jones University for some classes. They were both in Algebra II. My friend asked the teacher to get him an e-mail pen-pal, Sarah replied. They e-mailed & talked on the phone for two years. One day I happened to e-mail her for him when his computer was inaccessible. We hit it off on the very first e-mail, started talking regularly on the phone six months later. Three months from that we realized that maybe there was something more between us than we initially thought. Six months later I went & saw her in PA (http://forums.anandtech.com/arcmessageview.cfm?catid=38&threadid=182731, http://forums.anandtech.com/arcmessageview.cfm?catid=38&threadid=186494). That was June. Two days after I left, she got rid of her b/f. And now we're here.
Viper GTS
Long story, but the basic is this:
She & a friend of mine who frequents this board (who's name I won't mention) were both involved with private schools who had a satellite link with Bob Jones University for some classes. They were both in Algebra II. My friend asked the teacher to get him an e-mail pen-pal, Sarah replied. They e-mailed & talked on the phone for two years. One day I happened to e-mail her for him when his computer was inaccessible. We hit it off on the very first e-mail, started talking regularly on the phone six months later. Three months from that we realized that maybe there was something more between us than we initially thought. Six months later I went & saw her in PA (http://forums.anandtech.com/arcmessageview.cfm?catid=38&threadid=182731, http://forums.anandtech.com/arcmessageview.cfm?catid=38&threadid=186494). That was June. Two days after I left, she got rid of her b/f. And now we're here.
Viper GTS
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