Being alive, you're no doubt wondering how it's all going to work out. Will I be successful? Will I get the nice house/car/ho I've always wanted? Well, I'm going to tell you. I won't promise that you'll like what you're about to hear, I only promise that it will be true.
Spoilers:
Really, if you don't want to know, don't ready anymore:
Okay. Life is like this: No one asks to be born. Your parents decide that for you. They have no idea how screwed up your life will be, and they don't really care because gosh darnit, they want a baby. So they get busy and nine months later your journey begins.
When you're born you're squeezed out of your cozy 98.6 degree womb within which you have so far spent your entire life, and out into the cold cold world. People are yelling, you don't know what's going on, your mom probably crapped herself as you were brought into this world, and then you get slapped and have to start breathing for yourself. You're helpless, wrinkled, and covered in goo. This is as good as it gets folks!
All through childhood you have to put up with everyone else's crap. You're too little to do anything for yourself, yet everyone still expects you to live up to their expectations. You can't wait until you're older so you can do the things you can't do now. If you're lucky you won't end up with any debilitating diseases at this point. You've got plenty of time to mess up your life on your own later. *Note: I didn't spend too much time on this part because nobody really cares about kids anyway, unless they need a cause to pretend to care about or some other reason to feel better about themselves. As a rule we only use children toward some goal of our own, i.e. reliving our childhoods (that sucked) through them, fullfilling unresolved fantasies (little league), or filling a perceived void in our lives.
At some point you're going to fall in love with someone and they're going to break your heart. That will probably happen a dozen times or so until you end up settling for someone else who you convince youself is the man/woman of your dreams because you couldn't have any of your earlier choices. This is a dillusion of desparation! Honestly, the easiest you can make this part is to just settle early.
Eventually you're going to share the "joy" and have a kid of your own. You won't be ready when it happens. After junior is born you'll have to get another/better job to pay for it, and you'll realize that you still can't do all the things you wanted to do when you were little and after spending your whole life wishing you were older you now wish you were younger. If you're lucky junior won't hate you too much, but he'll still wish you could be a cool parent like the ones on TV who don't work two jobs to pay for junior's braces and still have time and money for trips to Disney World. At this time it's possible to fall under the dillusion that having more kids will make things better, as if being kicked in the balls several times could ever be better than only getting it once. Do not fall for this!
Or you could forego all this and just remain single. Life will be swell. For a while. Then some old lady will say something and you'll start with the what-ifs. It's probable that in some fit of insanity you'll get involved in a relationship with someone. In this fit of insanity it's difficult/impossible to realize that since you waited so long to find someone all the good ones are taken by now. That's just how it is.
You'll never have the nice house you wanted. You'll have a pile of crap in town so you can keep the commute to your jobs under two hours. Since you spend most of your life in your car you make life a little more tolerable by buying a new vehicle. Some asshat will key it, or cut you off and wreck it, then you'll drive an old beater, but you still won't have a ncie house because you spent that money on the car. Despite all this it's entirely possible you'll find something that you love and that makes you happy. If you do, someone will take it from you or ruin it for you, or else the government will tax it beyond your reach and you would have been better off just accepting mediocrity to begin with. The kids won't understand why you're pissed off all the time. But you can retire when you're seventy and have nothing left to offer your company. Unless you get canned before then.
The kids will grow up, mess up their own lives, and eventually stick you in a home. If you're lucky you'll die first so you won't have to bury a spouse, but in time, no matter what, whether you eat lettuce by the sackfull or whatever else, you will get sick (probably cancer) and die. If you take really good care of yourself you'll probably get hit by a truck, and if not there will always be people out there who smoke, drink, dodge salads left and right, and still live longer than you. Even if things work out just right, you will still die. And that's all you can hope for.
After you have died, and they have laid you to rest with all your might-have-beens and broken dreams, people who wanted nothing to do with you in life will converge and fight over your meager collection of stuff, probably while you're still kind of warm.
You cannot win. The best you can ever do is break even, and even then you still lose. This is how it is. To want more than that is presumptuous. You get the same throw everyone else gets but the dice are always fixed. If you read all this thinking that I was going to say something at the end that would make it all worth it or possibly give you hope and comfort, you got hosed, because there is no such thing, and I wouldn't bother telling you if there was. I offer this:
Keep your expectations low enough and you probably won't be disappointed... too much.
Cliff's Notes:
1) Life sucks.
2) Then you die.
3) You can't win, you might break even, but no matter what, you lose.
4) Go to hell.
If you read all this I feel sorry for you, because your life probably sucks worse than mine!
Spoilers:
Really, if you don't want to know, don't ready anymore:
Okay. Life is like this: No one asks to be born. Your parents decide that for you. They have no idea how screwed up your life will be, and they don't really care because gosh darnit, they want a baby. So they get busy and nine months later your journey begins.
When you're born you're squeezed out of your cozy 98.6 degree womb within which you have so far spent your entire life, and out into the cold cold world. People are yelling, you don't know what's going on, your mom probably crapped herself as you were brought into this world, and then you get slapped and have to start breathing for yourself. You're helpless, wrinkled, and covered in goo. This is as good as it gets folks!
All through childhood you have to put up with everyone else's crap. You're too little to do anything for yourself, yet everyone still expects you to live up to their expectations. You can't wait until you're older so you can do the things you can't do now. If you're lucky you won't end up with any debilitating diseases at this point. You've got plenty of time to mess up your life on your own later. *Note: I didn't spend too much time on this part because nobody really cares about kids anyway, unless they need a cause to pretend to care about or some other reason to feel better about themselves. As a rule we only use children toward some goal of our own, i.e. reliving our childhoods (that sucked) through them, fullfilling unresolved fantasies (little league), or filling a perceived void in our lives.
At some point you're going to fall in love with someone and they're going to break your heart. That will probably happen a dozen times or so until you end up settling for someone else who you convince youself is the man/woman of your dreams because you couldn't have any of your earlier choices. This is a dillusion of desparation! Honestly, the easiest you can make this part is to just settle early.
Eventually you're going to share the "joy" and have a kid of your own. You won't be ready when it happens. After junior is born you'll have to get another/better job to pay for it, and you'll realize that you still can't do all the things you wanted to do when you were little and after spending your whole life wishing you were older you now wish you were younger. If you're lucky junior won't hate you too much, but he'll still wish you could be a cool parent like the ones on TV who don't work two jobs to pay for junior's braces and still have time and money for trips to Disney World. At this time it's possible to fall under the dillusion that having more kids will make things better, as if being kicked in the balls several times could ever be better than only getting it once. Do not fall for this!
Or you could forego all this and just remain single. Life will be swell. For a while. Then some old lady will say something and you'll start with the what-ifs. It's probable that in some fit of insanity you'll get involved in a relationship with someone. In this fit of insanity it's difficult/impossible to realize that since you waited so long to find someone all the good ones are taken by now. That's just how it is.
You'll never have the nice house you wanted. You'll have a pile of crap in town so you can keep the commute to your jobs under two hours. Since you spend most of your life in your car you make life a little more tolerable by buying a new vehicle. Some asshat will key it, or cut you off and wreck it, then you'll drive an old beater, but you still won't have a ncie house because you spent that money on the car. Despite all this it's entirely possible you'll find something that you love and that makes you happy. If you do, someone will take it from you or ruin it for you, or else the government will tax it beyond your reach and you would have been better off just accepting mediocrity to begin with. The kids won't understand why you're pissed off all the time. But you can retire when you're seventy and have nothing left to offer your company. Unless you get canned before then.
The kids will grow up, mess up their own lives, and eventually stick you in a home. If you're lucky you'll die first so you won't have to bury a spouse, but in time, no matter what, whether you eat lettuce by the sackfull or whatever else, you will get sick (probably cancer) and die. If you take really good care of yourself you'll probably get hit by a truck, and if not there will always be people out there who smoke, drink, dodge salads left and right, and still live longer than you. Even if things work out just right, you will still die. And that's all you can hope for.
After you have died, and they have laid you to rest with all your might-have-beens and broken dreams, people who wanted nothing to do with you in life will converge and fight over your meager collection of stuff, probably while you're still kind of warm.
You cannot win. The best you can ever do is break even, and even then you still lose. This is how it is. To want more than that is presumptuous. You get the same throw everyone else gets but the dice are always fixed. If you read all this thinking that I was going to say something at the end that would make it all worth it or possibly give you hope and comfort, you got hosed, because there is no such thing, and I wouldn't bother telling you if there was. I offer this:
Keep your expectations low enough and you probably won't be disappointed... too much.
Cliff's Notes:
1) Life sucks.
2) Then you die.
3) You can't win, you might break even, but no matter what, you lose.
4) Go to hell.
If you read all this I feel sorry for you, because your life probably sucks worse than mine!
Facebook
Twitter