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Let her feel bad or talk to her? A question of break-up ethics.

Z

zippy

Diamond Member
Long version:

My girlfriend and I broke up a week and half ago (link). Now, I was visibly bummed out and I'm sure she could tell. The link goes into more detail. Frankly I was incredibly upset for a few days. As time has passed rationality has replaced romanticism and I feel considerably better. I realize more and more that she is right and probably did me a favor by her doing it.

Now things were left sloppily - she really didn't have it well planned out and didn't have a game plan going into the break up. It was basically left that all communications were severed and that was all (A quote from the YAGT link: Then she's like, "We'll still talk...like online" and I just gave her this look of despair that kinda said, "No, don't fool yourself.").

So tonight my friend IMs me...

bryan (10:50:31 PM): party at meghans house tonight
bryan (10:50:31 PM): barbeque or sorts
bryan (10:50:32 PM): sarah was there
bryan (10:50:36 PM): asked me why you hadnt called
Me (10:50:42 PM): why i hadn't called?
Me (10:50:49 PM): what the...
bryan (10:50:54 PM): yup
Me (10:50:56 PM): got any more info?
bryan (10:51:04 PM): well you had told me you wer gonna call her afterwards
Me (10:51:10 PM): i did?
bryan (10:51:17 PM): and i had relayed that to her cuz she was all concerned that she had hurt you
bryan (10:51:17 PM): and so i was like, yea he's gonna call you
bryan (10:51:19 PM): yea ithought you said that
bryan (10:51:22 PM): or maybe made it up
bryan (10:51:25 PM): i thought you had tno
Me (10:51:26 PM): dude, bryan
Me (10:51:35 PM): you shouldn't have told her that
Me (10:51:38 PM): even if i did say it - which i may have
bryan (10:51:46 PM): i dont think u did actually
Me (10:51:46 PM): sh!t
bryan (10:51:49 PM): now that it hink of it
Me (10:51:49 PM): fvck man
Me (10:52:06 PM): what else did she say?
bryan (10:52:06 PM): i think i said it because i was trying to make her feel better and i figured shed forget it
bryan (10:52:11 PM): guess she didnt....
bryan (10:52:11 PM): just that
Me (10:52:12 PM): goddamn
bryan (10:52:16 PM): i was like, so do you want to talk to him?
bryan (10:53:55 PM): and she was like, no
bryan (10:53:56 PM): but you want him to call you?
bryan (10:53:56 PM): yes
bryan (10:53:56 PM): do you want to get back together with him?
bryan (10:53:56 PM): no
bryan (10:53:56 PM): but you want him to call you
bryan (10:53:56 PM): yes
bryan (10:53:56 PM): why dont you call him?
bryan (10:53:55 PM): and she was like, no
bryan: but you want him to call you?
bryan: yes
bryan: do you want to get back together with him?
bryan: no
bryan: but you want him to call you
bryan: yes
bryan: why dont you call him?
bryan: no
bryan: but he should call you
bryan: yes
bryan: thats how the conversation went
Me: ?
bryan: yea
bryan: otnight
bryan: thats how it went

little bit later?

Me: bryan (10:51:17 PM): and i had relayed that to her cuz she was all concerned that she had hurt you
Me: she really gave a damn?
bryan: yea
bryan: she still does
Me: wanna tell me more about that?
bryan: thats why she wanted to talk to you
bryan: because she said she wanted to make sure you were okay

If you don't want to read all of the above, here's the important part:

So what the fvck do I do with that? (According to my friend...) She doesn't want to call me, doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to get back together, but wants me to call which is questionable. However, he then notes that she only wants to talk to me to make sure that I'm okay and that she didn't hurt me - which frankly she did. Now she wants to know if I'm okay.

I had been planning to call her and see her for a bit just to clean some things up before I left for school. Not to get back together or anything, but because she did such a horrible job breaking up I'd feel a lot better and have some closure to it - let her know that she was right, that I'm fine, and that I still had a lot of fun with her this summer and I'd like to stay friendly (occasional email, IM, maybe see her now and again when I'm visiting friends). Now I'm not so sure if I should give her the satisfaction - she wants to know that I'm okay but doesn't want to go to any lengths to find out. I just don't get it. Should I let her feel bad that she hurt me or actually call her.

Thanks.
 
She want's you to call so that she'll feel better about dumping you. She wants it to seem like you are struggling with it all.
Don't call. Until just before you leave for school.
 
When I break up with someone or am dumped I promised that I will not contact them. It keeps me from making a total ass out of myself.
 
Well I'd see her Wednesday for a bit then drive back home that night (hour and a half - I moved right after graduation) and then I leave for school Friday morning. So uh, that really is just before I leave for school.

Btw, SpiderX, why do you say that? How would that give me 'hand' (Seinfeld reference) in it all?

Thanks.
 
Originally posted by: X-Man
Don't call her. Go to a strip club and get drunk. You'll feel better.
Click to expand...
LOL. Well, I am going to college on Friday. And there is a week of partying...errr 'orientation'...before school starts. Will that do?
 
Originally posted by: zippy
Originally posted by: X-Man
Don't call her. Go to a strip club and get drunk. You'll feel better.
Click to expand...
LOL. Well, I am going to college on Friday. And there is a week of partying...errr 'orientation'...before school starts. Will that do?
Click to expand...

You are going to meet a huge number of women at school. Give yourself some time.

 
Originally posted by: zippy
Well I'd see her Wednesday for a bit then drive back home that night (hour and a half - I moved right after graduation) and then I leave for school Friday morning. So uh, that really is just before I leave for school.

Btw, SpiderX, why do you say that? How would that give me 'hand' (Seinfeld reference) in it all?

Thanks.
Click to expand...


Because, believe or not she's feeling sh!tty about it all just like you. She wants you to call, so it feels to her that you are trying to hang on. Women hate it when you're not falling to pieces over the breakup.

Flawed logic I'm sure. But my Ex did the same thing.
 
Don't comfort her when she did the awful job breaking up with you. Make her call you if she wants to fix things (not by getting back together, but in terms of closure). By the way, promises of friendship after the breakup = not good idea.
 
Originally posted by: SpiderX
Originally posted by: zippy
Well I'd see her Wednesday for a bit then drive back home that night (hour and a half - I moved right after graduation) and then I leave for school Friday morning. So uh, that really is just before I leave for school.

Btw, SpiderX, why do you say that? How would that give me 'hand' (Seinfeld reference) in it all?

Thanks.
Click to expand...


Because, believe or not she's feeling sh!tty about it all just like you. She wants you to call, so it feels to her that you are trying to hang on. Women hate it when you're not falling to pieces over the breakup.

Flawed logic I'm sure. But my Ex did the same thing.
Click to expand...
I think you're absolutely right. She didn't say much when we broke up...and she had the TV on and acted like she was actually watching...but a few times I actually looked at her and looked into her eyes. I think she was hurting too.

So should I go ahead as planned and see her for a bit Wednesday just so we can still stay friendly. I mean, I really do miss her and care for her and I don't want to lose all contact with her. I'll let her know that I'm okay and she was right about breaking up - that it probably would have been too hard for both of us. I'll also let her know that I really had a lot of fun with her.

That sound good? That way we both feel a bit better.

BTW, I'm not saying we'd be friends after this. I'll be at college and my home is an hour and a half away from hers, so realistically in time we'd completely lose contact. But we'd be friendly. And if I was in visiting friends from HS we could hang out in the same group and be cool with each other.
 
Funny Zippy, I ran into your old thread when I was doing a search on something today. I thought of the drama you always seem to have going on. Needless to say, I was happy to see you without drama lately. But here you go . . . speak of the devil and the devil appears.

First off, your friend sounds so gay in his choice of language. What's with the Valley girl talks? "She was like. . . ." "I was like. . . ." Goooooooooooooooood! LOL! 😀

Anyway, the answer is simple: Don't call.

Drop the drama already. If you don't want anything to do with her and she claimed she didn't want anything to do with you, let her go. Ignore her statements and middleman negotiations. Get it?
 
Do you need to get any stuff back at all?

GoBadgers is right. I'd say forget it. Go be free. You broke up. The friends thing never really works out, at least not at first. I just got reaquainted with my first serious gf for the first time last year. And that was after 6 years of not talking!
 
"Because, believe or not she's feeling sh!tty about it all just like you. She wants you to call, so it feels to her that you are trying to hang on. Women hate it when you're not falling to pieces over the breakup."

SpiderX, I'll concede: You're right. Not all women of course, but many women do.

Again, I understand the wannabe gentleman role Zippy plays, but it won't work. Friendship sought by a girl who wasn't a close friend before she started dating you doesn't last after the break up. She's forging the friendship, and so are you. If it helps you feel better, give her a call. But understand that you shouldn't go with the "this could work" again attitude. If she comes with that attitude, then cut it off. See it as strictly friendship. Naturally, the forged friendship will fade away with neither of you staying "hurt". It's always good to have closure to a relationship, so it doesn't haunt you for the rest of your life through other relationships. However, you can only get a closure if you have the right mindset. Hope I made sense there. Whatever you decide, just stop the drama!
 
Originally posted by: luvly
Funny Zippy, I ran into your old thread when I was doing a search on something today. I thought of the drama you always seem to have going on. Needless to say, I was happy to see you without drama lately. But here you go . . . speak of the devil and the devil appears.

First off, your friend sounds so gay in his choice of language. What's with the Valley girl talks? "She was like. . . ." "I was like. . . ." Goooooooooooooooood! LOL! 😀

Anyway, the answer is simple: Don't call.

Drop the drama already. If you don't want anything to do with her and she claimed she didn't want anything to do with you, let her go. Ignore her statements and middleman negotiations. Get it?
Click to expand...
Hah. I don't always have drama going on...only when a girl decides to initiate the drama. Frankly, the reason I didn't have a real girlfriend till my senior year of high school was because I didn't want to deal with the drama! Well, I was right. 😉

Yeah, he was relaying that info girl-style. I don't know what the deal was. Frankly I don't understand why (a) he told her I'd call her (THE DAY AFTER WE BROKE UP - WTF?!) or (b) why he bothered telling me this whole story.

The reason I'm considering talking to her is to end the drama. I want to go to college with a clean slate - with no BS just sitting there back home. By the way, I do want something to do with her - if the circumstances were different (she was going to Cornell with me or to Ithaca College right next door) we'd still be together, but they aren't, so it's over. Our relationship was quite good till we broke up. I was rather happy as it was a departure from the drama of my last relationship which you are likely referring to.

Anyway, keep the responses coming. I appreciate this. Not calling seems to be pretty popular. I might just do that. Give me more opinions.
 
Originally posted by: luvly
"Because, believe or not she's feeling sh!tty about it all just like you. She wants you to call, so it feels to her that you are trying to hang on. Women hate it when you're not falling to pieces over the breakup."

SpiderX, I'll concede: You're right. Not all women of course, but many women do.

Again, I understand the wannabe gentleman role Zippy plays, but it won't work. Friendship sought by a girl who wasn't a close friend before she started dating you doesn't last after the break up. She's forging the friendship, and so are you. If it helps you feel better, give her a call. But understand that you shouldn't go with the "this could work" again attitude. If she comes with that attitude, then cut it off. See it as strictly friendship. Naturally, the forged friendship will fade away with neither of you staying "hurt". It's always good to have closure to a relationship, so it doesn't haunt you for the rest of your life through other relationships. However, you can only get a closure if you have the right mindset. Hope I made sense there. Whatever you decide, just stop the drama!
Click to expand...
Exactly. I have no intentions of getting back together with her. It's over. I know that - I'm cool with that. There are going to be plenty of girls at college. I know she won't want to get back together either - she's pretty rational obviously. I don't plan to exactly be close friends even...but friends. At the very least friendly. I don't want to look back on this and say, "Damn, I had a lot of fun with her for a summer. Wish I had stayed in touch with her a little bit." I'd just like to stay in contact - the occasional email, IM, whatever.
 
Originally posted by: zippy
Originally posted by: SpiderX
Originally posted by: zippy
Well I'd see her Wednesday for a bit then drive back home that night (hour and a half - I moved right after graduation) and then I leave for school Friday morning. So uh, that really is just before I leave for school.

Btw, SpiderX, why do you say that? How would that give me 'hand' (Seinfeld reference) in it all?

Thanks.
Click to expand...


Because, believe or not she's feeling sh!tty about it all just like you. She wants you to call, so it feels to her that you are trying to hang on. Women hate it when you're not falling to pieces over the breakup.

Flawed logic I'm sure. But my Ex did the same thing.
Click to expand...
I think you're absolutely right. She didn't say much when we broke up...and she had the TV on and acted like she was actually watching...but a few times I actually looked at her and looked into her eyes. I think she was hurting too.

So should I go ahead as planned and see her for a bit Wednesday just so we can still stay friendly. I mean, I really do miss her and care for her and I don't want to lose all contact with her. I'll let her know that I'm okay and she was right about breaking up - that it probably would have been too hard for both of us. I'll also let her know that I really had a lot of fun with her.

That sound good? That way we both feel a bit better.

BTW, I'm not saying we'd be friends after this. I'll be at college and my home is an hour and a half away from hers, so realistically in time we'd completely lose contact. But we'd be friendly. And if I was in visiting friends from HS we could hang out in the same group and be cool with each other.
Click to expand...



Well, here is my opinion a as a girl and a newby to your drama. So Luvly might have the right idea; but I don't agree since I am not familiar with the past. I do agree with her about not letting a third person confuse matters. If you think that this break up hurt her; than if I were you, I would trust my judgement. Until you learn to trust your own judgement in relationships; you are going to be screwed. I have seen it happen over and over again; and it is stupid.

Also, it is sometimes harder for the person to contact the other person if they were the one to break it up. We are all young and human; we make mistakes and learn from it. So she did a bad job of breaking up with you; that only makes her human. Meet up with her; get the closure that you need and be done with it. Go to school; have fun..um..during orientation.

Bottom line: do not let third party influence how you behave in a relationship.

And spiderX..that is the shittiest logic ever. All women are defenitely not like that and I have met a number of men who have done such a terrible job of ending relationships or handling relationships that I have major doubts about the mentality of any organism with a Y chromosome..or at least I had doubts until I met my man. So I guess there are some good ones out there. Anyways, there are bad eggs in both gender.
 
Q]



Well, here is my opinion a as a girl and a newby to your drama. So Luvly might have the right idea; but I don't agree since I am not familiar with the past. I do agree with her about not letting a third person confuse matters. If you think that this break up hurt her; than if I were you, I would trust my judgement. Until you learn to trust your own judgement in relationships; you are going to be screwed. I have seen it happen over and over again; and it is stupid.

Also, it is sometimes harder for the person to contact the other person if they were the one to break it up. We are all young and human; we make mistakes and learn from it. So she did a bad job of breaking up with you; that only makes her human. Meet up with her; get the closure that you need and be done with it. Go to school; have fun..um..during orientation.

Bottom line: do not let third party influence how you behave in a relationship.

And spiderX..that is the shittiest logic ever. All women are defenitely not like that and I have met a number of men who have done such a terrible job of ending relationships or handling relationships that I have major doubts about the mentality of any organism with a Y chromosome..or at least I had doubts until I met my man. So I guess there are some good ones out there. Anyways, there are bad eggs in both gender.[/quote]

Remember I said my logic may be flawed. I'm not generalizing here. I'm not saying all women are evil either. I know men can be just as bad at ending it all. But what I'm saying is that I think a lot of women would feel better about ending it, especially if they are having lingering doubts, if their ex was the one trying hard to maintain contact. Showing sings of still hanging on, instead of moving on.

So not a majority of women may do this, but I have to believe a pretty good few do.
 
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