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Just got my 2014 "goals" at work

Blackjack200

Blackjack200

Lifer
Forget that we're more than 10% into 2014 at this point, I'm really goddamn frustrated. Here is the redacted version:

Maintain and Strengthen [Product Management], [Relationship Management] and Support Infrastructure
- Product Management of [Specific Product A]. Review and streamline process
- Manage [Specific Product B] process
- Support of [Specific Product B] Management
- Effectively manage relationships for [Specific Product C] poviders
- Accurate and timely processing of [Specific process related to Products A and C]
- Champion interests of [Organization] and ensure alignment of goals and execution of strategy by fostering strong relationship with business partners including [Internal Organization A], [Internal Organization B], [Internal Organization C], [Internal Organization D] and [Internal Organization E]
- Perform Periodic Product Reviews
- Review and respond to [redacted] requests submitted to [group mailbox]
- Focus on risk and de-risking efforts, maintain accurate written procedures for all products and ensure compliance

Drive [redacted] Product Enhancements & Rationalization
- Support and execute multi -year product strategies for [redacted] product offering
- Institute new evaluation criteria and process for [redacted], streamline the process
- Transition [redacted] reporting responsibilities

Support [redacted] Client Growth and Retention
- Support re-emergence in [redacted] investment
- Manage [redacted] process focusing on [redacted] and prioritization of [redacted]

Focus on Career Development
- Showcase work and talents to senior management (ongoing)
- Participate in weekly one-on-ones and staff meetings (ongoing)

_______________________________

What do you see up there that's... measurable? achievable? It's all "manage this, drive that, support, review" etc.

It's not "goals" at all. It's a bunch of general bullshit that can used to hammer me for any number of things that may or may not happen this year.

This shit has been going on for years. But not two months ago we had an offsite where we were told that all goals needed to be measurable and reasonable, and that all direct reports needed to be given 3-4 things to focus on.

I followed up on that offsite the next time I met with my manager, specifically asking for objective goals and even providing viable examples of goals she could give me.

Anyone else deal with this bullshit?
 
So your goals are exactly the same as almost every big corporation ever? Sounds like a bunch of bullshit corporate speak drafted up by some big wigs looking for a pat on the back. Good luck with that stuff. :\
 
Those are at least a bit better than mine for last year. I just joined and my goals were literally "Learn the system". Apparently, I learned it well enough, got a 3.7% raise and 100% of my bonus.

You should go back to your manager (or whoever wrote the goals) and tell them to do them proper. Explain those aren't measurable goals and you need better ones. If they don't do what you're asking, go above them. It is your career, manage it.
 
bignateyk said:
I'm glad I don't work for a company that makes you do that shit.
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no kidding. I am so glad I'm out of the corporate bullshit jerkfest.

The owner came to talk to me today about 2014. We bullshitted for a few minutes, talked about a couple projects I have going. His only instructions to me were to relax and take it easy. Pretty low key considering we are in the process of branching off his already extremely successful business into uncharted waters.
 
On the bright point, I don't see any specific goals that need to be achieved.

Nobody is asking you to write a 10,000 page manual this year... just to support product A,B, and C. It's up to do you to decide if that requires 10 hours or 1,000 hours of work this year 🙂
 
bignateyk said:
I'm glad I don't work for a company that makes you do that shit.
Click to expand...

rudeguy said:
no kidding. I am so glad I'm out of the corporate bullshit jerkfest.
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These.

I no longer have to do that bullshit and I'm so happy. One of my last major projects at my last employer was building a new performance management system in SharePoint for HR. Good lord, it was full of so much fluff, bullshit, and pie-in-the-sky crap that no one cares about that I had a hard time keeping a straight face when talking to HR about it.
 
I mean... look at the bright point. They weren't planning on giving you a decent raise this year anyway. Since you don't have any achievable goals, you don't have to work all that hard to achieve them!
 
haha that is retarded. did you have to come up with that list yourself or someone gave that to you?

that looks like a chunk out of a bad resume.
 
ultimatebob said:
I mean... look at the bright point. They weren't planning on giving you a decent raise this year anyway. Since you don't have any achievable goals, you don't have to work all that hard to achieve them!
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and he can sign it with his ballsack since no one is every going to look at the thing again
 
That's the kind of thing that makes me want to ragequit a job, probably more than any other single issue. Institutionalized bullshit demonstrates that management doesn't just do nothing, they're proud of doing nothing. Not content to just do nothing, they must convince you that the nothing they do is vital to the business' survival, so they take their nothing, cover it in streamers, and hang it from the ceiling across the entire office. Those that question their abject waste of everyone else's time are passed over for opportunities, and eventually disappear.

ultimatebob said:
On the bright point, I don't see any specific goals that need to be achieved.
Click to expand...

On the other hand, the goals' arbitrariness means he can be docked or fired just as easily and for exactly the same reason; it all comes down to the whim of his boss.
 
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What's sad is there's probably at least 5 people making $50k+ a year that came up with that. Probably after attending a major conference or two if not outright plagiarizing it (or even worse they paid to basically be able to copy-paste shit like that).
 
My company allows me to set my own goals - usually the site management comes up with a few in regards to safety, overall monetary goals, etc, but otherwise I set my goals and my manager approves them or comments on them.
 
rudeguy said:
and he can sign it with his ballsack since no one is every going to look at the thing again
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lol, just flashed on a disturbing image. And now I'm wondering if ballsacks are unique like cow noses. Will ballsacks become an accepted identifier some day.

cattle_noseprint.jpg
 
This is the kind of crap managers do. Take some comfort from the fact that they don't really want you to think about these goals, or attempt to act on them in any specific way, because that can only cause them more work. They just want you to accept them, and then hopefully things will go well during the year, and at the end if they like you they'll give you a good review and say you accomplished them all.
 
Ruptga said:
On the other hand, the goals' arbitrariness means he can be docked or fired just as easily and for exactly the same reason; it all comes down to the whim of his boss.
Click to expand...

On the flip side of that, specific goals never work out all that well either. For an example, we've had goals in the past where I worked where we were going to do 500 installations of a particular software product in a year... only to have the primary customer of the product back out a month later after doing just a few test installations.

The guy who got stuck with the goal of installing 500 of these things? Pretty much screwed.
 
Your avatar is perfect for that post. Just need to photoshop a bottle of Jack Daniels in there.

Luckily, I don't have to deal with that crap, but my wife does in a MAJOR way. She works for the government, and almost ALL of the managers in her division are idiotic drones who come in late, take 3-hour lunches, give each other promotions, and write BS like that while trying to make it as hard as possible for the people who actually do all of the work.
 
jagec said:
Luckily, I don't have to deal with that crap, but my wife does in a MAJOR way. She works for the government, and almost ALL of the managers in her division are idiotic drones who come in late, take 3-hour lunches, give each other promotions, and write BS like that while trying to make it as hard as possible for the people who actually do all of the work.
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The government is the best example of how to not run any kind of organization. The best way to get ahead is to literally be incompetent. It is easier to promote someone out of your organization than it is to fire them.
 
xanis said:
So your goals are exactly the same as almost every big corporation ever? Sounds like a bunch of bullshit corporate speak drafted up by some big wigs looking for a pat on the back. Good luck with that stuff. :\
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They were actually drafted by my manager, but it's the result of several layers of ineffective/disinterested management.

purbeast0 said:
haha that is retarded. did you have to come up with that list yourself or someone gave that to you?

that looks like a chunk out of a bad resume.
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We used to have to choose nebulous goals from a qualified list, that was just as bad.

Ruptga said:
On the other hand, the goals' arbitrariness means he can be docked or fired just as easily and for exactly the same reason; it all comes down to the whim of his boss.
Click to expand...

This is what will happen, I won't get fired but I will be criticized/yelled at for something or another, and it will be used as an excuse not to promote me. My manager has a combative attitude toward everyone and several people have quit my team over the years. Measurable and specific goals are really the only defense I would have.
 
Markbnj said:
This is the kind of crap managers do. Take some comfort from the fact that they don't really want you to think about these goals, or attempt to act on them in any specific way, because that can only cause them more work. They just want you to accept them, and then hopefully things will go well during the year, and at the end if they like you they'll give you a good review and say you accomplished them all.
Click to expand...

Oh, come on not all of us do that. We all have to design our own goals. They need to be specific, measurable goals. And we don't want more than 3-5. I always tell my group to include one or two that are "no brainers", meaning that if you do what you're supposed to do then you meet the goal. I don't want every goal to stress out the staff "oh crap, if I don't make this goal, I don't get a raise or my bonus". But, at the same time, you need a couple that they will actually get outside their comfort zone to fully accomplish.
 
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