jokes !

[ThePresence]

LMAO @ the muffin joke.

A big-city, California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on
the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence,
an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he
was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell
in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not
coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys
in the U.S., and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you
and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how
we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this
with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then
you kick me three times, and so on, back an forth, until someone
gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to
abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up
to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The
barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a
kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to
his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the
duck."

 

[bmd]

haha, very nice presence.

 

[Phoenix15]

So, this one day, Jerboy stopped whining.

That's in the bible. Right before the part when Texmaster and Czar rent a condo together and buy track lighting.

 

[hoihtah]

haha... these are great.

i love joke threads.

here's an old but my favorite one.
---------------------------------------------
a fish ran into a wall and said...?

dam.
---------------------------------------------

 

[djheater]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A: A stick

Q: What's long and green and always points north?

A: A magnetic pickle

Q: What's black and white and red all over and has trouble going through revolving doors?

A: A nun with a spear through her head.

Q: What's Red and White, screams and runs into walls?

A: A baby with forks in it's eyes

Q: What do eskimoes get from sitting on the ice all day?

A: Polaroids

 

[hoihtah]

Originally posted by: djheater
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A: A stick

Q: What's long and green and always points north?

A: A magnetic pickle

Q: What's black and white and red all over and has trouble going through revolving doors?

A: A nun with a spear through her head.

Q: What's Red and White, screams and runs into walls?

A: A baby with forks in it's eyes

Q: What do eskimoes get from sitting on the ice all day?

A: Polaroids

arg... dude... none of these sick jokes...

nothing relating to babies. please... unless they are clean.

 

[ThePresence]

Originally posted by: hoihtah
haha... these are great.

i love joke threads.

here's an old but my favorite one.
---------------------------------------------
a fish ran into a wall and said...?

dam.
---------------------------------------------

OH COME ON!

 

[djheater]

Originally posted by: hoihtah

arg... dude... none of these sick jokes...

nothing relating to babies. please... unless they are clean.

I don't find the jokes I posted dirty.
Absurd, perhaps, but not dirty.

Define it.

 

[rickn]

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked," What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom,"One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...."Cleanup, register 5."

 

[kranky]

A guy goes into a bar to meet a friend and notices two nice-looking women watching him. As he passed their booth, he heard one of them whisper "Nine." He points out the girls to his friend and brags that the tall one just rated him a nine.

His friend says, "Hate to burst your bubble, but when I came in they were speaking German."

 

[no0b]

Originally posted by: kranky
A guy goes into a bar to meet a friend and notices two nice-looking women watching him. As he passed their booth, he heard one of them whisper "Nine." He points out the girls to his friend and brags that the tall one just rated him a nine.

His friend says, "Hate to burst your bubble, but when I came in they were speaking German."

lol I knew I took 2 years of german for something

 

[ThaGrandCow]

Originally posted by: rickn
A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked," What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom,"One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...."Cleanup, register 5."

Most. repeated. joke. ever.



A man goes to a local golf instructor and beginss taking lessons. On the first day the instructor asks to see the mans stroke. The guy puts a ball on the tee, winds up, and slices the ball horribly to the left. The ball flys out into the parking lot and cracks a windshield. The instructor rubs his chin thoughtfully, pauses for a minute, and finally responds, "I can help you. Your grip is all wrong. Hold the club like you would hold your wifes breasts. Try again."
The man tees up another ball, winds up, and shoots. The ball flies perfectly straight down the field, 240 yards, and almost hits a hole-in-one. The guy is ecstatic. "Thank you! You've helped me tremendously! I'm going to recomend you to every person I see!"
After giving the instructor a hefty tip the man is on his way.

The next day the instructor is opening up shop when a woman pulls up. She gets out of the car and meekly says "you helped my husband out so much yesterday he sent me down here for some instruction."
The instructor agrees to help her and tells her to take a shot. The woman tees up a ball, winds up, and slices horribly to the right. The instructor once again pauses, thinks for a minute, and speaks. "I can help you too. Your grip is all wrong also. Hold the club like you would hold your husbands penis. Now try again."

The woman thinks this request is a bit strange but agrees. She tees up another ball, winds up, and pulls the worlds crapiest shot ever. The ball only travels about 3 yards, and even those few yards were traveling backwards! The woman drops down and starts bawling. "Why was that so bad? I shot just like you told me to!"

The instructor tries his best to suppress a grin, helps the woman to her feet, and says, "ma'am, you did everything just like I told you to, thats true... But next time take the club out of your mouth before you swing."

BA-DUM-CHHH!

 

[ThaGrandCow]

Noone cares about my golf joke? Weak...
I thought it was pretty funny at least

 

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose ?




































Full

 

[Ih8canada]

lol cow that was good

 

[LuNoTiCK]

Originally posted by: ThaGrandCow
Noone cares about my golf joke? Weak...
I thought it was pretty funny at least

I liked it. It was funny

 

[rickn]

Q: When you're cooking a rump roast, how do you know when it is done?
A: It farts in your face

Did you know that Oprah Winfrey got arrested at an airport with charges of drug smuggling? They looked up her skirt and found 200lbs of crack