jokes

[tyler811]

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8 The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. That's the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (That's true)

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

[Lamont Burns]

I'll have some jalapenos.

Wait, wut?

 

[pstylesss]

I forced myself to read that entire thing hoping to get a laugh. It didn't happen.

 

[njmodi]

8/10

 

[bigrash]

Originally posted by: tyler811
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

lol

 

[zebano]

wow those are old. 2/10

 

[KeithTalent]

For some reason I really liked this one:

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

KT

 

[Train]

Originally posted by: tyler811
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

You're 3 quarters on the way to being dead.

c'mon, simple math people!

 

[tyler811]

Originally posted by: Train

Originally posted by: tyler811
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

You're 3 quarters on the way to being dead.

c'mon, simple math people!

Are sure I came up with 9/10?

 

[Train]

Originally posted by: tyler811

Originally posted by: Train

Originally posted by: tyler811
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

You're 3 quarters on the way to being dead.

c'mon, simple math people!

Are sure I came up with 9/10?

you fail at math. Half of a half is a quarter

half + a quarter = 3 quarters.

Thats assuming you werent already at some fractional increment torward death in the first place, and didnt get closer to death in between being scared both times.

 

[tyler811]

Originally posted by: Train

Originally posted by: tyler811

Originally posted by: Train

Originally posted by: tyler811
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

You're 3 quarters on the way to being dead.

c'mon, simple math people!

Are sure I came up with 9/10?

you fail at math. Half of a half is a quarter

half + a quarter = 3 quarters.

Thats assuming you werent already at some fractional increment torward death in the first place, and didnt get closer to death in between being scared both times.

WTF :roll: dude it was joke ya know the thread post was about jokes sheesh

 

[olds]

Originally posted by: tyler811

Originally posted by: Train

Originally posted by: tyler811

Originally posted by: Train

Originally posted by: tyler811
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

You're 3 quarters on the way to being dead.

c'mon, simple math people!

Are sure I came up with 9/10?

you fail at math. Half of a half is a quarter

half + a quarter = 3 quarters.

Thats assuming you werent already at some fractional increment torward death in the first place, and didnt get closer to death in between being scared both times.

WTF :roll: dude it was joke ya know the thread post was about jokes sheesh

404 jokes not found

 

[Newfie]

Originally posted by: tyler811

Originally posted by: Train

Originally posted by: tyler811

Originally posted by: Train

Originally posted by: tyler811
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

You're 3 quarters on the way to being dead.

c'mon, simple math people!

Are sure I came up with 9/10?

you fail at math. Half of a half is a quarter

half + a quarter = 3 quarters.

Thats assuming you werent already at some fractional increment torward death in the first place, and didnt get closer to death in between being scared both times.

WTF :roll: dude it was joke ya know the thread post was about jokes sheesh

hahaha, relax

 

[jonks]

Originally posted by: Train

Originally posted by: tyler811

Originally posted by: Train

Originally posted by: tyler811
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

You're 3 quarters on the way to being dead.

c'mon, simple math people!

Are sure I came up with 9/10?

you fail at math. Half of a half is a quarter

half + a quarter = 3 quarters.

Thats assuming you werent already at some fractional increment torward death in the first place, and didnt get closer to death in between being scared both times.

You can be scared "half to death" an infinite number of times and not die. So that one is just silly.

 

[paulxcook]

The shtick is strong with this one.

 

[alkemyst]

did the mods edit the punchline?

 

[Ns1]

there was much more lulz to be found here

 

[Ballatician]

Why would you multiply each of the times you got half scared to death? Why not just add them up so getting scared half to death 2 times means you dead.

 

[theprodigalrebel]

I guess this thread is a nice place to repost this:

? Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:\flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaak/ch@ng by mistake.
? Chicken: it's like a cow, but different.
? Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
? From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 PM instead of 7:30.
? He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
? He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
? He was as tall as a six-foot three-inch tree.
? He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
? Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
? Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
? Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
? Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
? Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
? Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
? Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
? His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat.
? His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
? It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
? It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
? It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
? Jane was toast, and not the light buttery kind, nay, she was the kind that's been charred and blackened in the bottom of the toaster and has to be thrown a away because no matter how much of the burnt part you scrape off with a knife, there's always more blackened toast beneath, the kind that not even starving birds in winter will eat, that kind of toast.
? John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
? Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 PM traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 PM at a speed of 35 mph.
? McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
? My underwear stuck to my backside like an All-Pro cornerback to a rookie wide receiver as I browsed through the seed catalog that had mistakenly found its way into my mailbox.
? She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
? She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
? She felt used and unwanted, like the two chocolate halves of an Oreo cookie after someone has already licked the cream out of them.
? She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
? She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
? She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
? She was sending me more mixed signals than a dyslexic third-base coach.
? Shots rang out, as shots are want to do.
? The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamp post.
? The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
? The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
? The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
? The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
? The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
? The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
? The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
? The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
? The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.
? The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
? The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
? They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

 

[Ns1]

^^

Not only were those boring, but there were alot of them. epic fail x infinity.

Cliff Notes
- shitty jokes do not read

 

[cirrrocco]

Damm this thread sucked, can someone point me to a thread that has some actual jokes..

 

[Steve]

"It says sprocket, not socket!"

 

[coldmeat]

Originally posted by: cirrrocco
Damm this thread sucked, can someone point me to a thread that has some actual jokes..

the only joke you'll ever need

 

[Miklebud]

Originally posted by: coldmeat

Originally posted by: cirrrocco
Damm this thread sucked, can someone point me to a thread that has some actual jokes..

the only joke you'll ever need

Agreed. Read it all the way through.

 

[tyler811]

Originally posted by: cirrrocco
Damm this thread sucked, can someone point me to a thread that has some actual jokes..

Why in the fuck would you revive a thread 3 weeks old :roll: