A friend of mine sent me these this morning. Some I'd heard, some I hadn't but I thought I'd share.
SKOAL
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State.
She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.
"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good.
The taste is unbelievable!"
"And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallup then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground!
It is just incredible!"
They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
____________________________________________________________________
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a
sense of humor)
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
_______________________________________________________
SKOAL
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State.
She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.
"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good.
The taste is unbelievable!"
"And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallup then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground!
It is just incredible!"
They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
____________________________________________________________________
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a
sense of humor)
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
_______________________________________________________
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