Jokes thread

[SSSnail]

Come on now, contribute your own.

I'll start.

A buncha GIs were sitting around in the jungle learning their survival course. The instructor was holding up a tiger snake and tells the whole class of what to do in case they encounter one. "These snakes are deadly, and they look like tiger tails; if you ever see one, the best way to deal with them is to grab them by their tail end and very quickly run your hand up to their neck and snap it with your thumb".

A few days later, the instructor saw the students again, and one of them was in bandages and castings. When asked what happened, the GI said "I saw one of them tiger snake in the bushes, I did the same thing you told me but it was attached to the biggest god damn tiger I've ever seen".

 

[foghorn67]

In the 1860's a trapper rides into a small town that used to be a fort. He's been to plenty of these before, they are all the same to him. So he is asked the barkeep if there was anything to do after he spends all his money at the bar and cathouse.
The barkeep says, "There is an old indian, with a big feathered headdress. He can read your mind, and he has a perfect memory. Never forgets a thing. Do what you can to challenge him. It's fun. You can find him hanging out near the blacksmith."
The trapper thanks the guy and heads over to the indian. As he is making his way over, he decides on how he is going to test his mystical abilities. He digs out his journal from one of the saddlebags, looks at an entry, and puts the book away.
He spots the indian and asks, "What did I have for breakfast exactly five years ago on this day?"
the indian with his arms crossed replies, "Eggs".
"That's amazing."
5 years later, the trapper finds himself in the same town. When he realizes that this was the place that has the indian with super mystical abilities, he darts straight over to the blacksmith. Sure enough, the indian was still hanging around.
Once the trapper gets within shouting distance, he exclaims, "How."
The indian replies, "scrambled."

 

[Epic Fail]

I am still reading this one:

http://forums.anandtech.com/me...id=38&threadid=1621897

 

[BrownTown]

I only know racist and sexist jokes so I can't tell any good ones ...

 

[SSSnail]

Originally posted by: yamadakun
I am still reading this one:

http://forums.anandtech.com/me...id=38&threadid=1621897

I read that twice, it's getting old.

 

[Mucho]

Man walks into a bar and see Eeyore the donkey sitting a table with £5,000 and swigging a large whiskey. Man say to the barman "whats the score with this?".

"ah," says the barman, "if you can make him laugh the money's yours, but if you don't you buy him a big whiskey, he's had three bottles worth so far".

Man walks over and whispers in Eeyore ear and the donkey bursts out laughing and the man takes the money.

Next week, Eeyore's back in the bar with another five grand on the table when the man comes in again, "what gives this time" he asks the barman. "this time you gotta make him cry" come the reply. So off the man goes and whithin a minute he's back with the 5k and Eeyore's in tears.

"ok" said the barman, "how you manage it"."easy" said the man, "last week I told him I had a bigger weenie than him and this week I showed him."