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Amused

Amused

Elite Member
Apr 14, 2001
57,375
19,613
146
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound.

The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him curiously.


"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."


A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.

When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."


The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.


"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.
 
W

woodly6

Diamond Member
May 25, 2001
4,552
0
0
Little Jonny comes home from school and tell his Dad that he has failed math.

Dad: How did you fail math?

Johnny: The teacher asked "Whats 2 x 3?"

Dad: Well its 6.

Jonny: Thats what I said!

Jonny: Then the teachers asked "Whats 3 x 2?"

Dad: What the fvcks the difference!

Jonny: Thats what I said!

 
P

pulse8

Lifer
May 3, 2000
20,860
1
81
A little boy is sitting in a park eating a lollipop when an old man approaches him. "Eating candy is not good for you", the old man said. "My grandfather lived to be 106", replied the little boy. The old man asked, "Did he eat candy?" The little boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fvcking business."
 
KK

KK

Lifer
Jan 2, 2001
15,903
4
81
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How
many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex
anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough
so I don't pee on my shoes."


KK
 
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woodly6

Diamond Member
May 25, 2001
4,552
0
0
That was a great one pulse8!

I think it deserves another:


A guy calls in sick to work.

"Whats wrong?" asks the boss.
"Im sick." The guy replies.
"You sound allright"
"No Im really sick. Beleive me!"
"Listen, you were fine yesterday and we have alot of work today. I want you in here. You cant be that sick!"
"Dude, I just banged my sister! Dont tell me Im not sick!"
 
M

MeanMeosh

Diamond Member
Apr 18, 2001
3,805
1
0
""One World, One Web, One Program" - Microsoft Promotional Ad
"Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer" - Adolf Hitler"
 
KK

KK

Lifer
Jan 2, 2001
15,903
4
81
Ethnic Guide to Women




1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.


2. IRISH WOMAN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


3. ITALIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


4. JEWISH WOMAN:

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.


5. POLISH WOMAN:

First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home.
She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the
restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.


6. CHINESE WOMAN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized
nothing is going to happen.


7. INDIAN WOMAN:

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.


8. BLACK WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.


9. LATIN WOMAN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite,
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend
and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.




KK
 
yllus

yllus

Elite Member & Lifer
Aug 20, 2000
20,577
432
126
Shamelessly stolen from FS's jokes contest from back in the day...

It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.

Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

a) The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar...
b) The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
c) After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground...
d) The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring..

Which just goes to show that some problems *can* be fixed by pissing on them. But only temporarily...
 
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