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::::::::::Joke Time!::::::::::

Amused

Amused

Elite Member
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol. "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
 
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?







<Think about it!>







A: Neil Armstrong WALKED ON THE MOON while Michael Jackson rapes little boys. :Q
 
Two men were drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says, &quot;You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.&quot; The bartender overhears this and just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar.

The second man says, &quot;What, are you, a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen!&quot;

The first man says, &quot;No, it's true. Let me prove it to you.&quot; He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, where he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The second man says, &quot;You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke.&quot;

The first man says, &quot;No, it isn't. I'll prove it, again!&quot; And again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

The second man says, &quot;Well, what the hell, it works, I'll try it.&quot;

He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, and passes the...

11th.......10th.......9th.......8th.......7th.......6th........5th.....4th......3rd........2nd...... ..1st.......And hits the sidewalk with a splat.

Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, &quot;You know, Superman, you're a real @sshole when you're drunk.&quot;
 
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed together. The egg is smoking a cigerette. The chicken says, &quot;Well, I guess that answers THAT question!&quot;
 
I work in an Internet company and I opened up an account for a married couple. I asked them for a password 8-12 characters long and the man replied &quot;P-E-N-I-S&quot;. I replied, &quot;Sorry the password is not long enough&quot;, and the woman replied &quot;Hell, I could've told ya that!&quot; 😉
 
Man walks into high-priced law office, tells lawyer he is charged with having sex with a goat. Lawyer says, &quot;I am an expert in criminal law and jury trials. I can guarantee you an acquittal.&quot; I charge $50,000. Guy says, &quot;Sorry that is too much,&quot; and leaves.

The man walks into a law office in the business district, less fancy, and sees a lawyer. &quot;I have been charged with having sex with a goat,&quot; he tells the lawyer. Lawyer says, &quot;I am an expert in legal research. I can almost guarantee an acquittal. I charge $10,000.&quot; Guy says, &quot;Thanks, but that is too much money,&quot; and leaves.

Goes to the sleazy section of town, finds crumbling law office, broken down chairs, no secretary. Lawyer there says, &quot;I am an expert in jury selection, and I can guarantee you an acquittal.&quot; I charge $750.00 for the whole job. Guy says yes.

Trial starts and the cop testifies, &quot;I saw the defendant have sex with a goat, and then the goat turned around and licked him clean!&quot;

And one juror leans forward to another and says:
&quot;You know, a good goat will do that for you..&quot;
 
Little Johnny walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver. The little kid starts yelling, &quot;If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.&quot; The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with, &quot;If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.&quot; Little Johnny went on with several animals until the bus driver got angry and yelled at the kid, &quot;What if your dad was a serial killer and your mom was a prostitute?!&quot; Little Johnny smiled and said, &quot;I would be a bus driver!&quot;
 
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: &quot;For Women Only&quot;. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. &quot;We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside.&quot;

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: &quot;All the men here have it short and thin&quot;. The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: &quot;All the men here have it long and thin&quot;. Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: &quot;All the men here have it short and thick&quot;.

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: &quot;All the men here have it long and thick&quot;. The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: &quot;There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.&quot;
 
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, &quot;When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.&quot;

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: &quot;Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.&quot;

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, &quot;I don't have time for this b*llsh!t. I gotta go home and f*ck the cat.&quot;
 
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, &quot;chickens.&quot;

&quot;Chickens, eh?&quot; says one guy. &quot;Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?&quot;

&quot;Heck,&quot; says the guy with the bag, &quot;iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em.&quot;

The other scratches his head and guesses, &quot;Um... five?&quot;
 
Little Johnny came home one day and was greeted by his mother, who asked him what he did for the day. Johnny replied: &quot;Well, I played on the playground, counted to 10, and had sex with the teacher.&quot; His mother, dismayed, told him to wait in the living room untill his father got home. When his father came home, his mother told him the story. The father comes into the room and says to Johnny: &quot;Wow son, that's great! You know what? How about you and I go get some ice cream and then you can pick a bike.&quot;

Johnny says: &quot;Gee Dad, the ice cream sounds great, but can we wait on the bike for a while? My butt hurts.&quot;
 
2 guys and an Aggie (Texas A&amp;M) find out that a farmer outside of town never uses the bank and has all his money at his farm so they decide to steal it. they pretend to be stranded and show up one night at the famer's door asking if they can stay the night. the farmer agrees but warns them if his money is gone in the morning they will be punished. Morning comes and the money is gone so the farmer pulls out his gun and says &quot;ok boys, this is your punishment go out back and pick a bushal of your favorite fruit.&quot; First guy comes back with a bushal of strawberries. The farmer says &quot;pull down your pants&quot; and stuffs all the strawberries up the guy's butt. Second guy comes back with a whole bushal full of Oranges and the farmer shoves them all where the sun dont shine.

Although they are in horrible pain the guy with the oranges is laughing a little and the guy with the Strawberries moans &quot;what the hell are you laughing for? Doesn't this HURT?&quot; The other says &quot;of course it does!&quot; &quot;then why are you laughing?&quot; and the other guy says &quot;The aggie is coming back witha bushal of Watermelons!

😀
 
Two New Yorkers were heading down the turnpike. They pulled off to a secluded gas station. One friend told the other, I heard you get sex if you fill up your gas tank here. The driver of the car said &quot;thats gotta be bullcrap, but we'll see.&quot; So they pull into the gas station and the attendant asks how much. The one friend elbows his buddy and says fill her up. &quot;that will be twenty dollars,&quot; said the attendant. Puzzled the driver said, &quot;I heard you get sex with a fill up here.&quot;

So the attendant says pick a number. The driver says &quot;seven&quot;. And the attendant relpies &quot;nope, it was two.&quot; The friend says, &quot;let me try,&quot; and guess an eight. The attendant replies &quot;sorry the number was five.&quot; The driver then says, this is a bunch of crap, they don't offer sex with a fill up.&quot;

The friend then replies, &quot;no its true, my wife came twice last week and won both times.&quot;
 
Former President Clinton was getting off of Airforce One after a trip to Arkansas. He was carrying two hogs under his arms as he walked down the stairs to the tarmac. At the bottom of the stairs a Marine saluted and said &quot;nice pigs, sir&quot;. Clinton said &quot;these aren't pigs, these are Arkansas Razorback Hogs, I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea&quot;. The Marine saluted again and said &quot;good trade, sir&quot;.
 


<< 2 guys and an Aggie (Texas A&amp;M) find out that a farmer outside of town never uses the bank and has all his money at his farm so they decide to steal it. they pretend to be stranded and show up one night at the famer's door asking if they can stay the night. the farmer agrees but warns them if his money is gone in the morning they will be punished. Morning comes and the money is gone so the farmer pulls out his gun and says &quot;ok boys, this is your punishment go out back and pick a bushal of your favorite fruit.&quot; First guy comes back with a bushal of strawberries. The farmer says &quot;pull down your pants&quot; and stuffs all the strawberries up the guy's butt. Second guy comes back with a whole bushal full of Oranges and the farmer shoves them all where the sun dont shine.

Although they are in horrible pain the guy with the oranges is laughing a little and the guy with the Strawberries moans &quot;what the hell are you laughing for? Doesn't this HURT?&quot; The other says &quot;of course it does!&quot; &quot;then why are you laughing?&quot; and the other guy says &quot;The aggie is coming back witha bushal of Watermelons!

😀 >>





Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww :disgust: 😀
 


You Know You're A Redneck If...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than
your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke
at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still
have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is &quot;out of your
league&quot; bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel makes your list of
&quot;Most Admired People.&quot;

6. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

7. You wonder how service stations
keep their restrooms so clean.

8. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, &quot;Hey,
y'all watch this&quot;

9. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

10. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

11. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

12. You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

13. Your Junior/Senior
Prom had Daycare.

14. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,
&quot;Gentlemen, start your engines.

15. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off
its wheels.

16. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

17. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down,
depending on how much gas it has in it.

18. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

19. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

20. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the
same grade.

21. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie
at the House of Tattoos.

22. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your
front yard.

23. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there's a law
against it.

24. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

25. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

26. Your school fight song is &quot;Dueling Banjos.&quot;

27. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
 
Continuing the redneck theme:

28. If the UFO hotline limits you to 4 calls per day.

29. If your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.

30. If your mamma doesn't take the Marlboro out of her lips before telling the trooper to kiss her @ss.

31. If you've ever used lard in bed.

32. If your wealthiest relative buys a new home and asks you to stop by to help take the wheels off it.

33. If you mow your front lawn and find a car.
 
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
 
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing
time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb,
and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes
to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else
leaves the bar and drives off.


When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him,
pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test
shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.


The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight
I'm the designated decoy.'
 
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