- Nov 30, 2012
- 22,757
- 618
- 121
I'm sure one of these exists, if there is one I have never seen it since I have been here.
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take? "she asks.
"They’ll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?," she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn’t it?"
--------------------------------
Two Oregon rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!
----------------------------
Thinking About Nothing
What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
------------------------------------
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good-looking, older retired guy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try-out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired guy and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old guy replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
----------------------------------------
A man was walking along the beach one night when he had a hot looking woman walk up and ask if he wanted to have a good time? The man said, "Sure but how much will it cost me?" she tells him it would be $20 and he agrees and proceeds to take her under the boardwalk, makes passionate love to her, hands her the cash and leaves. The next night he was again walking down the beach when the same chic asks if he would like to have round two? The man said, "Sure but how much will it cost me?" she tells him it would be the same $20, so they head back under the boardwalk and he really gave it to her good. Just before he was finished, she lets out with a bull horn fart that rattled the boardwalk! He jumps up and hands her $25 and starts to leave, she then asks what the extra $5 was about and he turns to say, "That's for blowing the sand off my ballzz!!!"
------------------------------------
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened champagne and began undressing. When the groom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride was satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess ... . . . . Smallcox?"
--------------------------------------
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying. “This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can't do anything right.” “I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.” When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.
-----------------------------------------
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Policemen up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way...'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
------------------------------------------
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the Post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?" "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you". He said, "Fuck him. Give him five bucks." She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."
------------------------------------
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuckk your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.
----------------------------------------
Got me a new truck!
I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs..
Yesterday, some guys ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them.
I yelled, assholes!'
Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.
Damn, I LOVE this truck!
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take? "she asks.
"They’ll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?," she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn’t it?"
--------------------------------
Two Oregon rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!
----------------------------
Thinking About Nothing
What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
------------------------------------
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good-looking, older retired guy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try-out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired guy and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old guy replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
----------------------------------------
A man was walking along the beach one night when he had a hot looking woman walk up and ask if he wanted to have a good time? The man said, "Sure but how much will it cost me?" she tells him it would be $20 and he agrees and proceeds to take her under the boardwalk, makes passionate love to her, hands her the cash and leaves. The next night he was again walking down the beach when the same chic asks if he would like to have round two? The man said, "Sure but how much will it cost me?" she tells him it would be the same $20, so they head back under the boardwalk and he really gave it to her good. Just before he was finished, she lets out with a bull horn fart that rattled the boardwalk! He jumps up and hands her $25 and starts to leave, she then asks what the extra $5 was about and he turns to say, "That's for blowing the sand off my ballzz!!!"
------------------------------------
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened champagne and began undressing. When the groom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride was satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess ... . . . . Smallcox?"
--------------------------------------
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying. “This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can't do anything right.” “I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.” When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.
-----------------------------------------
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Policemen up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way...'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
------------------------------------------
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the Post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?" "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you". He said, "Fuck him. Give him five bucks." She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."
------------------------------------
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuckk your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.
----------------------------------------
Got me a new truck!
I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs..
Yesterday, some guys ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them.
I yelled, assholes!'
Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.
Damn, I LOVE this truck!
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