Joke thread

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lOl_lol_lOl

Member
Oct 7, 2011
150
0
0
A God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your life better."



And the Germans asked, "what are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "Rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."



So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."



He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."



He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments? How much are they?"
"They're free."
"Good then, we'll take 10!"
 

FalseChristian

Diamond Member
Jan 7, 2002
3,322
0
71
A man and a woman are in an elevator and the woman is interested in him so she starts talking (don't you hate it when women do that?). She says;"T.G.I.F". He replies; "S.H.I.T"

She says "T.G.I.F" and, of course, he says "S.H.I.T". She gets pissed and says "don't you know what T.G.I.F. is and what does S.H.I.T stand for?"

He says "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday!"
 

angminas

Diamond Member
Dec 17, 2006
3,331
26
91
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
 

jupiter57

Diamond Member
Nov 18, 2001
4,600
3
71
Two cannibals were eating a clown.
One cannibal looks at the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"
 

HOSED

Senior member
Dec 30, 2013
658
1
0
Did you hear about the gentleman who lost 150 ugly pounds?
He got a divorce

BONUS:
John Mckain was recently asked about Turkey and Bangladesh
His response, I like the wings and that is a fine song .. by the Beatles?
 
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John Connor

Lifer
Nov 30, 2012
22,840
617
121
At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.


"But I don't know how to pray," he replied.


“Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," said his father.


"Okay”, the boy said,".


"Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work.
AMEN"



A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot. No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."



Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested a 22 year old male, who was fornicating a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the courthouse, he was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. He explained, "As there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around." He went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “Guess I was really into it, ya know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, he failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until the Deputy approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,” said the Deputy. “I walked up to him, and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.”

The Deputy went on to describe what happened when she approached him. “I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there. And then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin?! Damn! ... is it midnight already?'”



Thought for Today:

"A liberal paradise would be a place where everybody has
Guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare,
Free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free
Utilities, and only law enforcement has guns."

"And believe it or not, such a place does indeed exist."

"It's called prison."

Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Maricopa County, Arizona



A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
 

SKORPI0

Lifer
Jan 18, 2000
18,395
2,306
136
So Moses wanted to speak to God in Mt. Sinai about the Ten Commandments.
But this time he brings the flock of followers walk miles and miles to the peak.
Moses summons God, he appears and sees the flock of people.
God - "Moses, you know I only speak to you alone".
Moses - "Yes"
God - "Get the flock out of here". :biggrin:
 

Thebobo

Lifer
Jun 19, 2006
18,592
7,673
136
Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot?
Because he didn't want people running around the White House saying, ''come Spot, come Spot!''
 

Thebobo

Lifer
Jun 19, 2006
18,592
7,673
136
A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: “You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off.” The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”
The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
 

Thebobo

Lifer
Jun 19, 2006
18,592
7,673
136
Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.
"We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave.
The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."
 

John Connor

Lifer
Nov 30, 2012
22,840
617
121
Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.
"We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave.
The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."


OHHHH! Didn't see that coming. LOL!
 

JEDIYoda

Lifer
Jul 13, 2005
33,981
3,318
126
A man walks into a doctors office...
Doctor, Doctor, I am dizzy and my eyes are blurring and my heart is beating very fast and I have this rash all over my body what`s wrong with me?
The Doctor asks the man where he is from?
The Man says I am from India, why?
The Doctor hands the man a bucket and tells the man to wait out behind the building until he has to go to the bathroom. Then go to the bathroom in the bucket. Bend over stick your head in the bucket and take several deep breaths.
About an hour later the man comes running inside -- Doctor, Doctor your a miracle worker.
I am fine! I feel great!! No rash, I can see clearly and I am no longer dizzy. What was wrong with me?
The Doctor looks at the man and says -- You were homesick!!!
 
Nov 29, 2006
15,600
4,050
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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out.
he friend says "well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"
 

John Connor

Lifer
Nov 30, 2012
22,840
617
121
Former President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'

Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs.'

The guy exclaimed : "A blonde with big boobs?" Why kill a blonde with big boobs?'

Cheney turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.'
 

John Connor

Lifer
Nov 30, 2012
22,840
617
121
A mother is cleaning her son's room when she spots a magazine sticking out between the bed and box spring. She pulls it out and it's a S&M magazine. She goes downstairs to confront her son with the magazine and says, "what is this?" "When your father comes home he's gonna see this." "Go up stairs to your room!" So a couple hours pass and the father walks in the door and she says, "look what I found under Timmy's bed" The father responds, "well, we can't spank him. :D
 

PlanetJosh

Golden Member
May 6, 2013
1,815
143
106
If the rest of them in the OP as good as the first one about the mirror and toilet paper I'm going to read all the others in that post. Didn't see the thread until today.
 

rajibrana

Junior Member
Jan 13, 2015
5
0
0
HAHAHAHA This one is damn funny!!!!


New Cowboy Boots
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple , Margaret and Bert , moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots , so , seeing some on sale , he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly , he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife , "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."


Frustrated , Bert stormed off into the bathroom , undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret , a little louder this time , "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan , "Bert , what's different? It's hanging down today , it was hanging down yesterday , it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious , Bert yelled , "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN , MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue" , she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN , BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied , "Shoulda bought a hat , Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
 

rajibrana

Junior Member
Jan 13, 2015
5
0
0
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and looking out of the window I noticed a bloke who lived further down the road sneaking into my next door neighbour's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave and I watched, horrified, as he buried him and shovelled the earth over him.
Still in shock I got back into bed.
My wife said, "You're shaking dear, what's up?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said, "That bastard next door still has my shovel."
 

rajibrana

Junior Member
Jan 13, 2015
5
0
0
Joke: Three women eating ice-cream
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies


"No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"


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A man used to go to church every sunday just to see a reallllly hot nun
when the man finally worked up the courage to go talk to her, she said "I couldn't. Besides, i'd only fool around with a priest."

Broken-hearted, them man took a taxi home. When the taxi driver asked the guy why he was so sad, he told him the story. The taxi driver suggested dressing up like a priest, going to the church and ¤¤¤¤ing the nun . Thinking this was a good idea, the man went and bought a priest's disguise.

Next Sunday, the man went to church and after everyone else had left, he donned the disguise and asked the nun for some . The nun replied, "OK but only in the bumhole, i don't want to completely lose my viginity."


After the act , the man ripped off his disguise and said "Ha ha, im not a priest, im the guy who you turned down last week!"

"Ha ha, jokes on you, im the taxi driver!
 
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