AreaCode707
Lifer
- Sep 21, 2001
- 18,447
- 133
- 106
From Reader's Digest's Virtual Hilarity -
My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naïvely replied, "I just used a regular 56K modem."
My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naïvely replied, "I just used a regular 56K modem."
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says he does not serve mushrooms. The mushroom replied, "Why not?! I'm a fungi (fun guy)!"
HAHA! i put the punch line in parentehse just in case some of you didn't get it
HAHA! i put the punch line in parentehse just in case some of you didn't get it
an old one ...
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services;
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services;
he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing;
even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer;
he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration;
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing;
although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist;
all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist;
all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector;
all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services;
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services;
he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing;
even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer;
he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration;
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing;
although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist;
all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist;
all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector;
all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Wow, there's some jokes in this thread that I haven't heard before. Here's my contribution, sorry if you've heard it before:
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer. As they complete the transaction the bartender gives him a funny look and says "Excuse me, but do you realise you've got a steering wheel sticking out the front of your pants?" The pirate replies "Arrrggh, and it's driving me nuts"
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer. As they complete the transaction the bartender gives him a funny look and says "Excuse me, but do you realise you've got a steering wheel sticking out the front of your pants?" The pirate replies "Arrrggh, and it's driving me nuts"
Lithium381
Lifer
- May 12, 2001
- 12,452
- 2
- 0
datalink7
Lifer
- Jan 23, 2001
- 16,765
- 6
- 81
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples
to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all
over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion
that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the
drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was
therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to
earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned
disciples begin to return to heaven.
Jesus, waiting at the door, hear's a knock:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
"FBI MOTHER F*CKERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"
to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all
over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion
that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the
drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was
therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to
earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned
disciples begin to return to heaven.
Jesus, waiting at the door, hear's a knock:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
"FBI MOTHER F*CKERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"
ThePresence
Elite Member
- Nov 19, 2001
- 27,727
- 16
- 81
Subject: Pharmaceutical News
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is
acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxicil is amoxicillin, Advil
is ibuprofen, and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced
today that it has settled on Mycoxafailin.
Also considered but not approved were: Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixnarizin, Mydixadud, Mydixanoodyl, and Alimpdixafixit.
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is
acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxicil is amoxicillin, Advil
is ibuprofen, and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced
today that it has settled on Mycoxafailin.
Also considered but not approved were: Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixnarizin, Mydixadud, Mydixanoodyl, and Alimpdixafixit.
ThePresence
Elite Member
- Nov 19, 2001
- 27,727
- 16
- 81
There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was
God.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a
woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work
for Him to do.
Amen!!!
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was
God.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a
woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work
for Him to do.
Amen!!!
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a__holes."
"What? He had two a__holes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two a__holes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a__holes.'"
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a__holes."
"What? He had two a__holes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two a__holes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a__holes.'"
In a small town, a woman and man got married. They immediately started having children and within several years their house had 6 little bundles of joy. One day, the husband felt ill at work and went to the hospital where he died.
Several years later, the woman remarried. Again they started having children, 8 of them this time. And like the first husband, the second husband soon died.
So the woman waited several more years and again remarried. This time the couple had 7 children before both they both suddenly died.
At their funeral, one of the women from the small town said "Well, at least they are finally together", to which a man replied "Who, the wife and her husbands". The woman said "No, her legs".
Several years later, the woman remarried. Again they started having children, 8 of them this time. And like the first husband, the second husband soon died.
So the woman waited several more years and again remarried. This time the couple had 7 children before both they both suddenly died.
At their funeral, one of the women from the small town said "Well, at least they are finally together", to which a man replied "Who, the wife and her husbands". The woman said "No, her legs".
AreaCode707
Lifer
- Sep 21, 2001
- 18,447
- 133
- 106
Eakers, the better version of that jokes goes like this.
A couple is about to get married but they're in a car accident and die. As they enter the pearly gates, they ask St. Peter if there's any chance they can get married in heaven, seeing as how they weren't able to on Earth. St. Peter tells them to come back in seven years, if they're sure they want to get married. Seven years go by, the couple comes back, they're married. After a few months, they realize that it just isn't working out so they go back to St. Peter and request a divorce. St. Peter looks at them and says, "It took us seven years to find a priest in heaven, now you want us to find a lawyer?"
A couple is about to get married but they're in a car accident and die. As they enter the pearly gates, they ask St. Peter if there's any chance they can get married in heaven, seeing as how they weren't able to on Earth. St. Peter tells them to come back in seven years, if they're sure they want to get married. Seven years go by, the couple comes back, they're married. After a few months, they realize that it just isn't working out so they go back to St. Peter and request a divorce. St. Peter looks at them and says, "It took us seven years to find a priest in heaven, now you want us to find a lawyer?"
Fritzo
Lifer
- Jan 3, 2001
- 41,920
- 2,161
- 126
Love the pirate jokes....
Mr. Johnson was passing out Halloween candy. I small boy with a VERY runny nose came up and rang the doorbell:
Mr J: "Hello little boy...what are you supposed to be?"
Boy: "I Mister Bonson *sniff*...I'm a birate!"
Mr. J: "A pirate! Well Mr Pirate...where's your buckaneers?"
Boy: "On the *sniff* sides of my BUCKIN' HEAD!!!"
Mr. Johnson was passing out Halloween candy. I small boy with a VERY runny nose came up and rang the doorbell:
Mr J: "Hello little boy...what are you supposed to be?"
Boy: "I Mister Bonson *sniff*...I'm a birate!"
Mr. J: "A pirate! Well Mr Pirate...where's your buckaneers?"
Boy: "On the *sniff* sides of my BUCKIN' HEAD!!!"
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