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Joke thread of the day

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C

Czar

Lifer
Oct 9, 1999
28,510
0
0
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

:D:D:D
 
J

jdini76

Platinum Member
Mar 16, 2001
2,468
0
0
Why can't you get married in heaven?
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There aren't any priests!

hehe

Hi-oh! (Pump fist here)


 
datalink7

datalink7

Lifer
Jan 23, 2001
16,765
6
81
Been posted before but still good:

A few day's after George W. Bush's inauguration, a man came up to the uniformed Marine on duty at the White House and said, "I'd like to see President Clinton."

The Marine politely answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president."

The man said, "Oh, O.K.," and walked away.

The next day the Marine was again on duty and the same man approached and again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine again answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president."

Again, the man answered, "Oh, O.K." and walked away. The next day the same man approached the same Marine and again asked to see President Clinton.

The Marine, a little annoyed, said, "Sir, I've told you, Mr. Clinton is no longer president. Don't you understand that?"

Yes, I do" said the man, "I just enjoy hearing it."

The Marine smiled and said, "See you tomorrow."
 
L

lawaris

Banned
Jun 26, 2001
3,690
1
0
Virgin Brides

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but ?Maxwell House?. Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, ?good ?till the last drop?.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: ?Benson & Hedges?. Mon now knew to go straight to her husband?s cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: ?Extra Long. King Size?. She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: ?British Airways?. Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways?.

Mom fainted.


 
L

lawaris

Banned
Jun 26, 2001
3,690
1
0
I rem' a similar one from back in India


There were 3 friends , very close to each other. So it was not a big surprise that they decided to marry on the same day and go to the honeymoon to the sae place. They decided that the next morning they would discuss over breakfast about their first night escapades.
Since their wives would be there , they decided that they would butter their bread as many times as they did it !

guy 1 : picks his bread
1,2,3,4
and looks with glee at his friends.


guy 2 : picks his bread
1,2,3,4
turns over his bread
1.2.3.4
and smiles at the other two in triumph

guy 3 : 1,2,3,4
turns over his bread
1,2,3,4
picks the 2nd guy's bread
1,2
picks the 1 st guy's bread , turns it over
1,2........


enjoy
:D
 
datalink7

datalink7

Lifer
Jan 23, 2001
16,765
6
81
A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" the Priest asks.

"Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible."

"Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.

"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."

"I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?"

"No Father," said the man, "You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man.

The priest sighed, "You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?!!!!!
 
A

Ameesh

Lifer
Apr 3, 2001
23,686
1
0
Originally posted by: fatbaby
i dont get it =|
Click to expand...

dumbass
rolleye.gif
 
B

b0mbrman

Lifer
Jun 1, 2001
29,470
1
81
Originally posted by: datalink7
Been posted before but still good:

A few day's after George W. Bush's inauguration, a man came up to the uniformed Marine on duty at the White House and said, "I'd like to see President Clinton."

The Marine politely answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president."

The man said, "Oh, O.K.," and walked away.

The next day the Marine was again on duty and the same man approached and again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine again answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president."

Again, the man answered, "Oh, O.K." and walked away. The next day the same man approached the same Marine and again asked to see President Clinton.

The Marine, a little annoyed, said, "Sir, I've told you, Mr. Clinton is no longer president. Don't you understand that?"

Yes, I do" said the man, "I just enjoy hearing it."

The Marine smiled and said, "See you tomorrow."
Click to expand...
Zing! :)
 
B

b0mbrman

Lifer
Jun 1, 2001
29,470
1
81
Hmm...got this from here a few months back...still funny :)

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the
top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and
says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if
you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a
better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
 
D

dafatha00

Diamond Member
Oct 19, 2000
3,871
0
76
A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other.
The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?"
The boy stares hard at the salesman and says " What the fsck do you think?!?"
 
B

b0mbrman

Lifer
Jun 1, 2001
29,470
1
81
Originally posted by: dafatha00
A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other.
The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?"
The boy stares hard at the salesman and says " What the fsck do you think?!?"
Click to expand...
Ha ha...oldie but goodie :)
 
D

dafatha00

Diamond Member
Oct 19, 2000
3,871
0
76
one more..

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" ?He said you're going to die," she replied.
 
G

Gaard

Diamond Member
Feb 17, 2002
8,911
1
0
Some of my favorite Carlin quotes...


Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?


If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?


If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?


If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?


When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?


When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?


Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?


What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?


If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?


Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?


Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.


Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?


If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?












 
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