Joke of the day... come in and add your own...

[imported_Tomato]

SCIENCE FAIR WINNERS

Grand Prize Winner:

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Runners-up:

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

Honorable Mentions:

Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

 

[imported_Tomato]

RULES FOR COLLEGE ROOMMATES

1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do not answer the call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend's, cousin's, sister's, ex-best friend's, father-in-law's, stepson is probably too important to be interrupted.

2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper.

a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the pad of paper which requires that you write down a name and check off a few boxes

b. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be called back at the callee's first free moment, the callee will telepathically be aware of this

3. Don't buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommates items until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one (case example: the spatula).

4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please, certainly one of your roommates has taken classes in house-cleaning 101 and will clean up after you. Just because you are big enough to make a mess shouldn't obligate you to be big enough to clean it up.

5. If you wake up at 6:45 am and need to take a shower, be sure to lock the bathroom door! Your roommates should be able and considerate enough to drive to the nearest gas station to use the toilet. Also, make sure that you take a 40 minute shower--it really stinks when a roommate leaves for work early and you have to take the bus.

6. Leave all electrical appliances, especially the lights on at all times--we are paying for the apartment, and there is no need to conserve energy--let other less important people do that.

7. If you need to use the phone late at night and it is in your roommates room, be sure to wake them up when you go to remove it. It's important that they know you are going to make a phone call to your dog!

8. Make sure that when you answer the phone you are as rude as possible to whoever is calling so that they won't call back and bother you again--how dare they interrupt whatever it is that you are not doing!

9. Never, ever, ever, ever empty the trash--if your roommate won't do it, just let the apartment stink. You were not born a garbage man, so why lower yourself to that level especially when you are a princess?

10. If your roommate has a car and drives to work, feel free to ride with her, but don't bother to offer her any money for gas. This is the 90's and gas is free for all Summer Interns.

11. Make sure that you leave as much hair as possible on the bathroom sinks and in the shower. Don't clean out your brush over the trash can, of course your roommates want to look at pieces of your broken hair each and everytime they go to the bathroom.

12. Don't ever throw out any of your food that may be moldy because it was buried behind all the stuff that is piled in the refrigerator. Mold is a beautiful thing and everyone likes to watch it develop through its stages.

13. Feel free to eat any food that is located in the kitchen. Whether it be in your cabinet or not, it is free for the taking. Even if its not open, your roommates shop for the entire apartment, not themselves. Oh, and if your roommate questions you about missing food, pretend you know nothing about it--you can always blame it on the cookie monster.

14. If one of your roommates has fish, and she doesn't ask you to feed them when she leaves town--then don't bother wasting your time feeding them. They're only fish, and they probably won't need to eat anyway.

15. If you feel like listening to some music and you don't have a cd player or stereo, simply remove your roommate's from her room. She won't mind if you leave it, or any of her cd's, on the floor. After all, if it is not yours, why should you have to put it away??!!??

16. Make some soup whenever you want, and be sure to leave it in your roommates pot in the refrigerator for a week or two, if need be. She probably doesn't want to use her pot anyway.

17. If your roommate buys a 12 pack of chicken legs and you feel like cooking for someone else--you should definitely take your roommates chicken and cook it. Oh, and be sure that you tell the dinner guest that it is your food.

18. If a neighbor (of course a friendly one) comes over and wants some spaghetti sauce and you don't have any to give them, feel free to go into a roommates cabinet and give away theirs. They can always go to the grocery store and buy some more for themselves. Oh, and don't tell them that you've given it away either until the ever so friendly neigbor brings back a few drops of it and thanks you for giving it to them.

19. If your roommate is kind enough to take you to New York with her because she knows that you have never been there, be sure to do the following:

a. insult your roommate's friend who shows the 2 of you around the city

b. don't say thank you for anything and act as bored as possible

c. be sure to tell everyone you see when you get back what a rotten time that you had

 

[imported_Tomato]

THREE IS EQUAL TO FOUR

Theorem: 3=4
Proof:

Suppose:
a + b = c

This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c

After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c

Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)

Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3




DOLLARS EQUAL TEN CENTS

Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent



MATH IS POINTLESS

Theorem: All numbers are equal.
Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then

a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b

So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.

 

[imported_Tomato]

IMPOSSIBLE FINAL EXAMS

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.

Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.

Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will wupport your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.

Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.

Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.

 

[imported_Tomato]

KNOW IT ALL

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history." Who said "Give me Liberty,or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up."

Teacher says "Who said that?".

Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Well, suck my...."

Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

 

[NogginBoink]

In Tridville, a local giant was known for having fun by kicking the poor Trids across the mountains on which they lived.

One summer, a wedding was held between two of the Trids. The rabbi from the village in the valley came up into the mountains to preside over the ceremony.

On his way home, the rabbi and the giant crossed paths. The rabbi cowered in fear as the giant drew closer... then passed right by.

Stunned, the rabbit turned and asked the giant why he hadn't kicked him.

"Silly rabbi," the giant said, "kicks are for Trids!"

 

[imported_Tomato]

OUT OF COLLEGE TOO LONG

You know you've been out of college too long when...

Your potted plants stay alive.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You carry an umbrella.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM.

Dinner and a movie - the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.

You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists are longer than Macaroni & Cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Hos.

"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You don't get liquored up at home to save money before going to a bar.


Peace,
Dezign

 

[CurtCold]

Originally posted by: Dezign
IMPOSSIBLE FINAL EXAMS

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.

Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.

Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will wupport your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.

Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.

Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.

LMAO Speech class exam is priceless


What did the fish say when he hit his head on a rock?














Dam!

 

[Zenmervolt]

Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.

LOL. I know a few people I'd like to volunteer for that testing.

Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Best creative miracle: Getting a date for the average ATOT male. 😛

ZV

 

[GoingUp]

Originally posted by: brtspears2
Why did the bike stop?
Because it was two-tired. 😱

LMAO thats terrible 😛

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: NogginBoink
In Tridville, a local giant was known for having fun by kicking the poor Trids across the mountains on which they lived.

One summer, a wedding was held between two of the Trids. The rabbi from the village in the valley came up into the mountains to preside over the ceremony.

On his way home, the rabbi and the giant crossed paths. The rabbi cowered in fear as the giant drew closer... then passed right by.

Stunned, the rabbit turned and asked the giant why he hadn't kicked him.

"Silly rabbi," the giant said, "kicks are for Trids!"

lol I just laughed my ass off...

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: Dezign
OUT OF COLLEGE TOO LONG

You know you've been out of college too long when...

Your potted plants stay alive.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You carry an umbrella.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM.

Dinner and a movie - the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.

You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists are longer than Macaroni & Cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Hos.

"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You don't get liquored up at home to save money before going to a bar.


Peace,
Dezign

The majority of those already apply to me, just ask fatalbo, zugswang, or darien... 😱

 

[Jmman]

I just saw this on the news and I thought it was pretty funny.


How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?




None, they've never tried...🙂

 

[ndee]

Joke of the day....


gotta be:































Dezign 😛

 

[Konigin]

Define the universe, and give three examples.

Whoa, we had to do this in history class yesterday. Such fun.

 

[DoNotDisturb]

knock knock

who's there?

fvck

fvck who?

u figure it out? 🙂

 

[swai]

e^x and a constant are walking down the street. They turn into a dark alley, and a derivative operator jumps out of the shadows and blocks their path.
"Oh no," says the constant, "He's going to turn me into nothing!"

"It's okay," says e^x, "I'm e^x and I'm not afraid of derivative operators. They can't harm me."

So, e^x walks down the alley and greets the derivative operator, "Hi, I'm e^x."

And the derivative operator replies, "Hi, I'm d/dy."

 

[mEarles]

A kid is dressed up as a pirate for Halloween. A woman sees his and asks, "Where are your buccaneers?" He replies, "They're on my buckin' head, you buckin' idiot!"


An actual pirate is walking down the street. A guy sees him and yells, "Dude, there's a steering wheel on your crotch!" The pirate replies, "ARGH! It's drivin' me nuts!"


Bob walks into a bar and sits down. After a while, he smacks the guy next to him, Jack, and knocks the poor guy off his bar stool. Jack gets up and says to Bob, "Why the hell did you do that?!" Bob replies, "Oh, I was just showing you something I learned. That's Karate from China." Jack ignores him and continues drinking. A few minutes later, Bob hits Jack the same way he did before. Jack gets up and says again, "Why the hell did you do that?!" Bob replies, "I was just showing you something else I learned. That's Tae Kwon Do from Korea." Jack is pissed, but still just drinks quietly. Before long, Bob hits Jack once again in the same manner as before. As Jack is angrily getting up, Bob says to him, "That's another thing I learned--Kung Fu from Japan." Jack is so mad that he leaves the bar. Bob stays and drinks for a while. After a little while, Jack comes back and BAM!!! Jack says to the bartender, "When that fool wakes up, tell him that was a hammer from Sears!"

 

[SWScorch]

Two sausages are frying in a very hot frying pan. One sausage looks at the other and says "Is it just me, or is it hot in here?" The other sausage says "AAAAHHH!!! A talking sausage!!!!"

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: Dezign
THREE IS EQUAL TO FOUR

Theorem: 3=4
Proof:

Suppose:
a + b = c

This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c

After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c

Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)

Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3

FatAlbo pointed this out to me earlier... the equation holds up until the second to last step; if you look at the common factor (a+b-c), it's equivalent to the original equation (a+b=c) - c on both sides, or (a+b-c = 0)... in this case, then, both terms are being multiplied by 0, so 0 = 0, NOT 3=4.

 

[schizoid]

Guy walks into a bar.

"Ouch", he says.

 

[Loggerman]

Man who drops watch in toliet.

































Has Sh!tty time.

 

[element]

Originally posted by: swai
e^x and a constant are walking down the street. They turn into a dark alley, and a derivative operator jumps out of the shadows and blocks their path.
"Oh no," says the constant, "He's going to turn me into nothing!"

"It's okay," says e^x, "I'm e^x and I'm not afraid of derivative operators. They can't harm me."

So, e^x walks down the alley and greets the derivative operator, "Hi, I'm e^x."

And the derivative operator replies, "Hi, I'm d/dy."

LOL now that's a good one. I was thinking d/dx till the punchline. Bonus points for having to know calculus to get it.

 

[ProviaFan]

Confucius say...

"Man who go to bed with itchy anus, wake up with smelly finger."

"Man who walk through door sideways, is going to Bangkok."

"Man who stand on toilet, is high on pot."

 

[dabuddha]

Originally posted by: element®

Originally posted by: swai
e^x and a constant are walking down the street. They turn into a dark alley, and a derivative operator jumps out of the shadows and blocks their path.
"Oh no," says the constant, "He's going to turn me into nothing!"

"It's okay," says e^x, "I'm e^x and I'm not afraid of derivative operators. They can't harm me."

So, e^x walks down the alley and greets the derivative operator, "Hi, I'm e^x."

And the derivative operator replies, "Hi, I'm d/dy."

LOL now that's a good one. I was thinking d/dx till the punchline. Bonus points for having to know calculus to get it.

i dont get it.. maybe im saying out loud wrong?
"Hi, I'm e to the X"
"Hi, I'm dee dee why"
?