Joke exchange thread

[jamautosound]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . ..

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too".

 

[Mizugori]

Three people were stranded on an island; two guys and a girl. After a week, the girl's so ashamed of what she has been doing with both of them that she kills herself. After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they have still been doing to the girl, that they bury her. After another week, they're so ashamed of what they have been doing to each other that they dig her up!

 

[ViviTheMage]

omg, dead baby jokes! tsk tsk atot. tsk tsk

 

[Mizugori]

Originally posted by: Mizugori

Originally posted by: Mizugori
Alright I'm in desperate need of some amusement.

Let's make it a rule that you don't post unless you are sharing a joke... no need to fill this thread up with replies that don't contribute anything ;p If you add a joke, you are welcome to also include some comments about other peoples' posts.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than ten dead babies in 10 different garbage cans?

ONE dead baby in ten different garbage cans!
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What do you give a dead baby for Christmas?

A dead puppy.
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[flunky nassau]

So an excited little boy runs up to his dad and elatedly asks, "Guess how old I am dad?!?"
Dad replies, "I don't know, how old?"
Little boy yells, "Six years old!!!"
Dad replies, "Wow, that's great! Go tell grandma too!"
So the little boy run into the next room & sees his 85 year old grandma on a rocking chair.
"Guess how old I am grandma!!!!"
"I don't know, but come closer to grandma & I'll find out."
The boy moves closer to grandma & with her frail thin hands, reaches into the boys pants & fondles his privates for a few minutes, then says, "You're 6 years old."

"Wow!!!! How'd you know grandma?!?"
"Oh, I heard you tell your dad in the other room."

 

[silverpig]

What's easier to unload, a truckload of hay, or a truckload of dead babies?

Hay. You can't unload dead babies with a pitchfork.

 

[AmpedSilence]

Originally posted by: flunky nassau
So an excited little boy runs up to his dad and elatedly asks, "Guess how old I am dad?!?"
Dad replies, "I don't know, how old?"
Little boy yells, "Six years old!!!"
Dad replies, "Wow, that's great! Go tell grandma too!"
So the little boy run into the next room & sees his 85 year old grandma on a rocking chair.
"Guess how old I am grandma!!!!"
"I don't know, but come closer to grandma & I'll find out."
The boy moves closer to grandma & with her frail thin hands, reaches into the boys pants & fondles his privates for a few minutes, then says, "You're 6 years old."

"Wow!!!! How'd you know grandma?!?"
"Oh, I heard you tell your dad in the other room."

HAHA, I've heard the before, my friend says with the voices and everything. He compliments that one with this one....

Its Christmas and Jimmy and Timmy are opening their presents.

Jimmy opens the first one and it is a brand new Video Game system (pick your fav, X360, Wii , or PS3) with all the trimmings.
Timmy opens his and its socks.

Jimmy a bit more excited opens his next present and it is a brand new 18-speed bike, exactly the way he wanted.
A little bummed Timmy opens his and its more socks.

Now exstactic Jimmy opens his final present and its an all expenses paid trip to Disney World.
Timmy opens his next present and its more socks.

Timmy is completely bummed, all he got were socks for Christmas and Jimmy is going off the wall at this. He has a new video game system, a new bike, and a trip to Disney World. He is rubbing this in Timmy's face and making fun of him that he only got socks.

To which Timmy replies.... "AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!"

.....and the room falls silent....

 

[illusion88]

Originally posted by: silverpig
What's easier to unload, a truckload of hay, or a truckload of dead babies?

Hay. You can't unload dead babies with a pitchfork.

You got that one all wrong. It's:

What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork!

 

[S Freud]

I think this thread earned my a ticket to hell.

 

[flunky nassau]

- What's under the Pilsbury Doughboy's apron?

Doughnuts.




- If you guys ever go to a gay bar, don't fall for the hot new pickup line, "So, can I push in your stool?"

 

[James Bond]

Originally posted by: illusion88

Originally posted by: silverpig
What's easier to unload, a truckload of hay, or a truckload of dead babies?

Hay. You can't unload dead babies with a pitchfork.

You got that one all wrong. It's:

What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork!

Seriously, he completely butchered it.... lol.

 

[patentman]

Two blonds were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks. "These look like moose tracks," one said. "No, no, those are deer tracks," said the other. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

[patentman]

Don't be offended, but I thought these were humorous.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a new girlfriend and a new dog?
After 2 weeks, you still call the dog.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

[imported_Baloo]

Originally posted by: illusion88

Originally posted by: silverpig
What's easier to unload, a truckload of hay, or a truckload of dead babies?

Hay. You can't unload dead babies with a pitchfork.

You got that one all wrong. It's:

What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork!

You still got it wrong. it's:

What's easier to unload, a truckload of bowling balls or a truckload of dead babies?

A truckload of dead babies because you can use a pitch fork.

 

[Mizugori]

a little girl with pigtails walked into a pet shop, and started looking at some mice in cages. the pet store owner walked over, and asked the girl:

"would you wike a wittle white mouse? or do you think this cutesy-wutesy wittle brown mouse is better?"

so the girl replied "i don't think my cutesy-wutesy wittle python gives a f*ck."

 

[gwrober]

Just jokes, hopefully these won't offend any of our AT attorneys...(but the dead babies are surely already offended!)



Court recordings

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. (EDIT: I don't know if this statement is true...)


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?


_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!


______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.


________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?


______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!


______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.


_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?


______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!


____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?


______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

 

[AmpedSilence]

We have dead baby jokes, so hopefully no one gets way offended with this...

Jesus walks into a hotel and throws a couple of 4x4's and some nails on the front desk.
The Clerk asks, "What can i do for you, sir?"
Jesus replies, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Have I crossed the line?

 

[Demon-Xanth]

A rabbi, a horse, and a blind man walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, is this some kind of a joke?

 

[DaShen]

Originally posted by: madogvt
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a
nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you
how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren."

Hahahahaha!!!!

 

[jamautosound]

Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.

"How are you going to do that?"

"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a light bulb."

"I think you need some time off," the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.

"I can't work in the dark," he said.

 

[captains]

what does INRI stand for on the crucifix?

I'm Nailed Right In

 

[Biggerhammer]

Originally posted by: captains
what does INRI stand for on the crucifix?

I'm Nailed Right In

From Cryptonomicon:
Initiate Nail Removal Immediately

 

[Mxylplyx]

Originally posted by: AmpedSilence
We have dead baby jokes, so hopefully no one gets way offended with this...

Jesus walks into a hotel and throws a couple of 4x4's and some nails on the front desk.
The Clerk asks, "What can i do for you, sir?"
Jesus replies, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Have I crossed the line?

:laugh:

 

[Demon-Xanth]

A young guy in an F-16 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

 

[daveshel]

Blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases
it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the
car and opens the trunk.

She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the
rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men
are in
trench coats exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not
surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly
enraged,
approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on
here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!"

asks the Officer.


"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.