John Cleese

[Perknose]

Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime
minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix
'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as
'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be
called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
"beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four
Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

Mr. Cleese hath spake. To which I can only add, "Mega Dittoes, John Boy!"

Oscar Wilde once said that England and America were two countries divided by a common language. If only our Chief Executive would learn it.

 

[Whitecloak]

heh

 

[Czar]

 

[kage69]

Awesome. :laugh:

 

[Bowfinger]

:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

[outriding]

I dont know if this was posted before or not..


Axis of Evil

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs.

Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable."

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up...Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics."

Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Should Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis designations, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

-by John Cleese

 

[lozina]

Ah great stuff!

:beer: (but cold one, not warm )

 

[Kenazo]

I love his writing.

 

[PatboyX]

i welcome the beer
but i deny them the food.
please...
how many centuries did they have to perfect cooking and they still just boil the hell out of everything?

 

[broon]

Yes, please bring on the beer.

 

[MrPabulum]

Cleese is always a good read. :beer: Even from a Labourite!

 

[PELarson]

Originally posted by: MrPabulum
Cleese is always a good read. :beer: Even from a Labourite!

Cleese would be an even better read if he had written the letter.

 

[kage69]

Cleese would be an even better read if he had written the letter.

You are correct. I remember now reading something quite similar to this a few years ago. In particular, I recall the phrase "(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy)" used to have 'Utah' in it.



Alright Perk, where'dja get it?

 

[PELarson]

Originally posted by: kage69

Cleese would be an even better read if he had written the letter.

You are correct. I remember now reading something quite similar to this a few years ago. In particular, I recall the phrase "(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy)" used to have 'Utah' in it.



Alright Perk, where'dja get it?

First item in a goolge of Cleese and letter.

 

[nakedfrog]

Yeah, I got this in my email after the 2000 election, as a message from the queen.

 

[MegaWorks]

He's good.:thumbsup:

 

[Moonbeam]

A classic, Perk.

 

[whistleclient]

Originally posted by: outriding
I dont know if this was posted before or not..


Axis of Evil

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs.

Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable."

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up...Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics."

Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Should Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis designations, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

-by John Cleese

this one too

snopity snopes snopes

 

[Perknose]

Originally posted by: kage69

Cleese would be an even better read if he had written the letter.

You are correct. I remember now reading something quite similar to this a few years ago. In particular, I recall the phrase "(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy)" used to have 'Utah' in it.



Alright Perk, where'dja get it?

As stated in Topic Summary, got it by e-mail from a friend. Beware of missives with many forwards, my friends!

 

[nutxo]

Its not the authenticity of the letter that counts! its the content !

 

[biostud]

They don't use the metric system in england. Not in all cases atleast. And I seroiusly doubt John Cleese wrote any of it.

 

[azazyel]

Addition:


"You also have far too many dentists, we have gotten along fine without them and so will you."

 

[sandorski]

Whoever wrote it, I don't care. Both are still funnier than hell.

 

[raildogg]

A Hollywood liberal not happy with the election of Bush? waaahhhhh

I thought they were going to pack their bags and move to France. Heh, guess not.

They'll stay in America since the big bucks are here.

:::waves American flag:::

 

[MisterCornell]

Originally posted by: biostud
They don't use the metric system in england. Not in all cases atleast. And I seroiusly doubt John Cleese wrote any of it.

That's what I was thinking too. It's rare to see Brits use the metric system.