Is there a legitimate time to sever a friendship?

[yasha]

I have a friend that I've known for over 10 years now. We met way back when we were both 19. She's been my friend through alot as I have for her. Sometimes we're more a little more than just friends, every now and then, but mostly just remained just friends over these 10 years. I've found that we always gravitate toward one another when stuff in my life or her's is messed up. I guess I can say that we make good partners in misery. To be honest, I never quite had a friend like her before, or even remianed in contact with a friend for this long. One thing that we both have in common is that we're both complete #*$%-ups. We're both somewhat emotionaly unstable but aren't bad people or anything. About a year ago I had to do something that was very difficult but something I believe had to be done for my own sanity. I decided that I would sever our relationship permanently. It got to the point where I really couldn't stand listening to her stuff about her life any more. It wasn't just listening but also giving my emotional support, which was taxed to the limit and I just couldn't take any more of her drama anymore. It was really draining me to the limit. I do take her drama seriously and do hurt when she hurts, but I could only take so much of it. I felt like complete sh*t when I just stopped contact with her just like that. I tell my self that I did the right thing for me. Do you think that sometimes there is a time to sever such a long friendship for your own well being?

 

[goshdarnindie]

Yes. I just recently did the same thing. The friendship was different, I was always providing the support, but it got old. Also, I started dating "the one" and I didn't want to waste considerable amounts of time on another person (i.e. woman) when that time should be going to my gf. Plus, my friend refused to do what she knew was the right things to do in her life, so I just got tired of having to be there during her recuring screw ups. Now she's pregnant at 22, and I can't thank myself enough for blowing her off two months ago.

People are just as good at screwing their lives up alone as they are with someone.

 

[yasha]

Is there something wrong with A.T. today?
The number of replies for my thread still says zero, even with a reply already posted. Weird!

Maybe my posting again will fix it.

 

[Akashic]

Sorry, but you don't seem like much of a friend to me. From your description, the relationship was one of convenience, not friendship. A real friend would see that the two of you are in it together and would try to help.

Even if it means sticking around and feeling s%&tty for a longer period, at least, in helping her, you could help yourself. Bailing out on a relationship, especially when she had done you no wrong, is plain selfish.

If you BOTH were as screwed up as you claim, then how is it she's able to take your s$#t when you can't seem to take hers? Sounds like at least she knows how to be a friend, which is something I'd treasure.

Sorry if this wasn't what you were looking for and if I come across as judgemental. You were probably looking for someone to tell you that things were all right and you weren't wrong. I can't pretend to be in your situation and I don't claim to fully understand.

All I'm saying is that I think the very least you could have done was to let her know what was going on with you and giving her a chance, rather than "stop(ping) contact just like that." That wouldn't have taken more than 10 minutes, which is nothing compared to the 10 years of friendship she's given you.

 

[yasha]

Akashic That's ok, I asked for everyone's opinion and I'm not looking for just what I want to hear. In regard to her being able to take my sh*t...I wasn't the one to really do any of the dumping. I was depressed about alot of stuf and liked to be around her because it maid me feel better. But I was never the one to do the dumping, that was %100 her. I do appreciate your input though and you do make a good point.

 

[FettsBabe]

I think you were wrong. Both of you need to work together to improve yourself...kinda like a support group. However, you bailed out. I personally think you owe her a big apology.

 

[yasha]

FettsBabe> I kind of agree with you in regard to talking to her again but I could just see what will happen once we see one another again. All the bull will show it's face again in our relationship and I don't know if I want to handle that stuff again. It's a hard decission for me to decide contact her again because I have known her 1/3 of my life already. She really is too much to handle. I just don't know.

 

[notfred]

What you did sounds selfish to me. It'd be one thing if you were always helping her, and she was never helping you, but from the way you described things, she was there when you needed her, but when she needed you, you left cause it was too hard. You should apologize.

 

[monto]

hmm, whats the need to change oneself to complement another...seems would strain friendship further

 

[djchemistry]

Well, if you're not getting any from the girl, why listen to her problems?
- dumb college male point of view. hehehe

Seriously though, if you get "tired" of listening to it, why listen? You're the one accepting it. If you don't want to help, then don't. Simple as that. Sometimes people need a little distance. Was severing the friendship the right distance for you? That's the question you need to think about.

 

[Azraele]

Why don't you tell her how you feel? She might just suprise you and work to change. You two have been friends through thick and thin for so long. Is it worth throwing it all away? Friendship, like marriage, is all about getting through the hard times as well as the good.

You shouldn't have to feel stressed all the time, due to a friend, however. Just talk to her, and let her know why you backed away, that things were too intense for you to handle.

I think, at the very least, you owe her an explanation.

 

[Gunther]

I was in a similar situation a while ago where I had a friend who had a lot of emotional problems and I helped out as much as I could, but it got to a point where everytime I would see him or talk to him I got depressed because I knew that he was going to bog me down with his problems. So I broke off the relationship with a straight to the point letter, he got the message and we didn't talk to each other for like a year, but I realized that was wrong, so I started talking to him again, but now he knows that I don't want to hear about his problems. I don't want to be his friend, but I don't mind being an aquaintance. What I learned from this, was that just tell the truth in the beginning or its going to escalate into a bigger problem later. I don't think you should have just broke off the relationship, probably more along the lines of telling her you don't want to hear about her problems because its too taxing on you would have been better, as should have I with my friend. Just my 2 cents.

 

[UnixFreak]

<< I think you were wrong. Both of you need to work together to improve yourself...kinda like a support group. However, you bailed out. I personally think you owe her a big apology. >>




Dont listen to this... you owe her nothing. Professional help is cheap these days, tell her to get some. Dont drag yourself down trying to help someone, its not your deal. And quit being so friggin emotional. It's not good for you.