Internet Tech Support- A Rant

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Fritzo

Fritzo

Lifer
Jan 3, 2001
41,920
2,162
126
I do tech support for a national ISP. If you're going to call in with a problem:

1. BE AT YOUR FRIGGIN' COMPUTER- What, am I going to change your damn home page that was changed to a lesbian porn site by little Johnny's porn habit with my freakin' telekenesis powers????

2. I'M AN INTERNET TECHNICIAN, AND YOU'RE CALLING TOLL FREE TECH SUPPORT- I can not help you with the fact that you put a plant above your monitor and watered it, and the leaking water caused your monitor to blow up. Try 1-800-IMA-DORK.

3. IF YOU CAN NOT USE A MICROWAVE, WHY DO YOU THINK YOU CAN USE A COMPUTER?- Honestly...what do you think I can do for you if you don't even know how your mouse works? This geezer was holding his mouse sideways and couldn't understand why he couldn't get the cursor to go where he wanted to go.

4. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE FOR GODSAKE-
"What do you see on the screen?"
"Nothin'."
"You don't see anything?"
"No."
"Did your computer lock up?"
"No...I can still move the mouse and click on the icons."
"I thought you said you didn't see anything?"
"Well...I dont!"
"AAARRRRGGHHHHH!!!"

5. IT IS NOT MY FAULT YOU DIDN'T PAY YOUR BILL AND YOUR SERVICE WAS TURNED OFF- Your payment has been due by the same day every month for the last FIVE YEARS! It hasn't changed! If you're in too bad of shape to have a credit card, be thankful we still accept your rubber checks. I think their checks bounce because they spent the extra $20 to get the Ducky background on their checks and that broke the account. You're 30 years old....GET A CREDIT CARD FOR GODS SAKES.

6. NO, I CAN'T HELP YOU INSTALL YOUR NEW HARD DRIVE- Now go call a plumber to get your car fixed and leave me alone!


::pant pant pant::....ahhh....I feel better now. Back to work.
 
T

ThaGrandCow

Diamond Member
Dec 27, 2001
7,956
2
0
OMG HELP! A person from Nigeria sent me a free virus scanner for my pr0n collection and told me that he needed my cradit card info to validate that I was over 18. Well now I'm in jail with Bubba and I think my computer crashed!!! Help me!!!

EDIT:

<UPDATE!!> OMFG! Someone told me to clean my computer cause I had a virus and I put it in the bathtub and all the breakers in the house tripped and I saw a bunch of black amoke and my cat turned into a charred mass and the computer melted!!! OMFG! How do get on AOL I need to talk to my lawyer!
 
C

conjur

No Lifer
Jun 7, 2001
58,686
3
0
From family members to me:

"How much memory does this harddrive have?"
"If I add another harddrive, can I get on the Internet?"
"If I get a cable modem, how do I dial-up to AOL?"
 
B

BooGiMaN

Diamond Member
Jul 5, 2001
7,955
0
0
hey i cant get into my favorite internetty thingy page can you helps me...i need my alien lesbo loving women dressed as ducks from anime porn right now...

oh and i got his wireless cable but it wont fit into the roundy connector in the back ..well it did after i used the hammer but i cant get it out ... and now my machine wont internet...i tried calling bob dole but he no helpy

helps me please!
 
D

DaFinn

Diamond Member
Jan 24, 2002
4,725
0
0
You know, I have this annoying white "arrow" like thing in the middle of my screen. How do I get rid of it?
 
V

Viper GTS

Lifer
Oct 13, 1999
38,107
433
136
4. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE FOR GODSAKE-
"What do you see on the screen?"
"Nothin'."
"You don't see anything?"
"No."
"Did your computer lock up?"
"No...I can still move the mouse and click on the icons."
"I thought you said you didn't see anything?"
"Well...I dont!"
"AAARRRRGGHHHHH!!!"

This is always my greatest complaint about end users. Anything other than the expected becomes "nothing." Flashing lights, error messages, etc, etc, etc. all fall into the black hole of "nothing" if it doesn't do exactly what they think it should.

The other thing I hate? The inability to read an error message AS IT ACTUALLY APPEARS. Not as you interpret it, not the basic idea, the EXACT error with the number preceding it.

It's not that hard, people.

Viper GTS
 
E

Encryptic

Diamond Member
May 21, 2003
8,885
0
0
Originally posted by: Viper GTS
4. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE FOR GODSAKE-
"What do you see on the screen?"
"Nothin'."
"You don't see anything?"
"No."
"Did your computer lock up?"
"No...I can still move the mouse and click on the icons."
"I thought you said you didn't see anything?"
"Well...I dont!"
"AAARRRRGGHHHHH!!!"

This is always my greatest complaint about end users. Anything other than the expected becomes "nothing." Flashing lights, error messages, etc, etc, etc. all fall into the black hole of "nothing" if it doesn't do exactly what they think it should.

The other thing I hate? The inability to read an error message AS IT ACTUALLY APPEARS. Not as you interpret it, not the basic idea, the EXACT error with the number preceding it.

It's not that hard, people.

Viper GTS
Click to expand...

A-MEN! If I don't know what the exact error message is, how do you expect us to be able to tell you more? The people who aren't at their stupid computer at the time really irritate me too. I had one genius call me from her CELL PHONE WHILE SHE WAS DRIVING. Get to freakin' school and then call me, fa Ja's sake! How are we going to solve the problem if you're trapped in a smoldering wreck on the side of the freeway?
 
J

JeffreyLebowski

Lifer
Aug 23, 2000
15,509
1
81
Originally posted by: BooGiMaN
hey i cant get into my favorite internetty thingy page can you helps me...i need my alien lesbo loving women dressed as ducks from anime porn right now...

oh and i got his wireless cable but it wont fit into the roundy connector in the back ..well it did after i used the hammer but i cant get it out ... and now my machine wont internet...i tried calling bob dole but he no helpy

helps me please!
Click to expand...

Try calling Al Gore. He invented the internet.
 
S

Soybomb

Diamond Member
Jun 30, 2000
9,506
2
81
Lol I swear I used to speak to at least 20 people a day who always went:
Luser: "I can't get my email"
Me: "Okay, what error are you gettting"
L: I can't get my email.
M: No what specificially does it say on your screen
L: Error getting email.
M: Really, what email client do you use?
L: Windows Explorer
M: Hmmm....So what does it say across the big blue bar at the top of your screen
L: I'm not at home right now.
M: Call back when you are *click*

*another favorite*
M: This should be an easy fix, first click on Start
L: But my computer is already on......

The number of people who don't understand that a modem requires a phone line, and in fact ties it up during operation is also quite astounding.
 
E

Encryptic

Diamond Member
May 21, 2003
8,885
0
0
Originally posted by: SammySon
Typical support crap.

Tech support is the fast food job of the IT industry.
Click to expand...


Pretty much. Thankfully, I work for a small company where tech support is only part of my job description. I'm 50% tech support and 50% webmaster.

 
L

lastig21

Platinum Member
Oct 23, 2000
2,145
0
0
Many professors on campus here call the computer the harddrive, and all accessories are harddrives. You have no idea what is wrong with a computer until you go and look at it. I Just write it off as the "I D ten T" error. id10t I like to find ways to slip that into my explanation. It was a typical I D ten T error. ;)
 
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Elbryn

Golden Member
Sep 30, 2000
1,213
0
0
My favorite is when they cant read the goddamn screen.
ie: "i'm trying to log into this site and its not letting me in"
-well what site are you trying to log into
"the education site"
-what are you using for your username?
"xxxxx.##"
- umm the site i think says to use your employee id number
"what do i use for my password"
-umm look a little lower, whats it say?
"oh my password is my last name"
-*waits*
"so what do i type in?"
- stunned sileance.. your last name.
"oh.. it worked, thanks!"
-/boggle
 
V

Viper GTS

Lifer
Oct 13, 1999
38,107
433
136
Originally posted by: SammySon
Typical support crap.

Tech support is the fast food job of the IT industry.
Click to expand...

Indeed, but where else can someone 18-19 make $30K+ a year & spend all day surfing the web?

It serves it's purpose, but it's not something I intend to make a career of.

Viper GTS
 
A

Ausm

Lifer
Oct 9, 1999
25,213
14
81
1) Is it ok to use the Cd-Rom Tray as a cup holder?

2) Insert disk three? I had a fvck of a time getting Disk 2 in!!!


Ausm
 

Indeed, but where else can someone 18-19 make $30K+ a year & spend all day surfing the web?

It serves it's purpose, but it's not something I intend to make a career of.

Viper GTS
Click to expand...
True, but, usually people get stuck in a tech support rut. Most tech suppt. jobs out there won't bring in 30K.
\m/
 
B

Bleep

Diamond Member
Oct 9, 1999
3,972
0
0
Quit the darn whining about stupid users and there questions. You get paid the same if the question is stupid or smart. Most tech support people are not to smart and some just rude, just read answers off a screen. It seems that tech support people think they are godlike. Just because the tech support is free does not mean that it has no value.

This should be an easy fix, first click on Start
Click to expand...
Why even say this? why not just tell them to hit the windows key? and tell them where it is.

Bleep
 
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