I'm not used to being hated - need ideas (divorce related)

[badmouse]

My soon-to-be-ex husband is really getting into the hate thing. Every time I see him he gets crazynasty, he's going around telling people that I'm nuts, he's forcing people to take sides, he's even got some of my friends wondering what I'm doing that's so bad.

Mind you, this guy has a new girlfriend, he basically threw me out of the house, he trashed my credit by illegally signing up in my name for cards, running up bills and not paying them, etc etc.

Anyway, I'm having a hard time with the hate thing. I need help on how to deal with it. I have to see him a lot because we have "joint" custody, though he's not keeping his end of the deal; we're still negotiating; we're selling the house - I need the money. And I'm the only one who's organized enough to keep records of everything, and he's dealing with the IRS on business issues.

How do I protect myself from this? I know it'll end, and I know that people are beginning to get his number, but until then -

Besides, it's not good for the kids to be around this kind of emotions.

Any magic protection shields out there?

 

[JoeKing]

be the bigger person and just ignore him?

 

[melly]

Who filed for divorce? Did he have that gf before you separated?

 

[badmouse]

Who filed for divorce? Did he have that gf before you separated?

Long story, yeah, and this isn't about the legal stuff - I have lawyers and junk for that. No sympathy needed, it'll work out eventually (I hold all the cards).

Just, how do I deal with this massive hatred thing?

 

[melly]

Originally posted by: badmouse

Who filed for divorce? Did he have that gf before you separated?

Long story, yeah, and this isn't about the legal stuff - I have lawyers and junk for that. No sympathy needed, it'll work out eventually (I hold all the cards).

Just, how do I deal with this massive hatred thing?

Yeah it usually isn't that simple, and not that I wanted to intrude but divorce is never easy. From my POV, don't use the kids as leverage in any way. Kids are the innocent ones, just try to make it as easy on them as possible--I speak from experience.

Tear a strip off your ex, it will make you feel better. Don't think of it as him hating you, think of it as him being immature perhaps? Maybe he's full of resentment but ultimately he comprised 50 % of the marriage so it's a little too late for being bitter. Good luck.

 

[HappyPuppy]

I have to wonder what "the other side of the story" is.

 

[Armitage]

Depends ... do you deserve it?
Can you honestly look back on your situation and see your role in it as honorable and just? If so, then you have my sympathy.
I'm coming at it from the other side, and my STBX deserves all the hatred and scorn I could possibly deliver. But I'm certainly not acting as immaturely as your x ... only in my fantasies.
As for the choosing sides ... be realistic. With rare exceptions, your mutual friends are going to choose sides, or stop associating with both of you. Just another casualty.

 

[Pliablemoose]

If you can afford it, start hitting the gym most have a day care arrangement, the endorphins will ward off depression, you can burn off a few calories & feel good about yourself.

You can't control how others feel & behave, you just have to work @ getting to a place where you're ok with yourself

 

[Supertastic Fool]

a 12 gage pointed at his head?

 

[Papagayo]

This is just my opinion, I'm not saying to do this::


If he's as bad as you say it is. I would kill him, if I was you. The guys is trying to ruin your life and your kids life by creating so much hatred.

It's easier if you still have keys to the old house. Sneak in late at night and either insert a knife in him or shoot his a$$...


**I did not know that the word "stad" (replace "d " with "b") is forbidden on anandtech forum **

I'm not telling you to do this, I'm just saying that this would be the logical next step.
I am ju st stating my opinion. If you do this, please don't blame me for it.

 

[ReiAyanami]

what caused the break-up? did he cheat or was it money issues?

how many kids?

well i'm sure you won't run him over with a BMW because that's already proven not to work. your ex-hub sounds like a jack-arse. but never fight in front of your children and dont even say anything negative about each other in front of them.

i think the max possible revenge you can exact is telling his girlfriend all his bad habits, his fiscal irresponsbility, ect...

 

[Murphyrulez]

My ex-wife told all her friends that I used to get drunk and throw beer bottles at her and beat her up.







I have never even tasted beer in my life, and the strongest thing I have ever had is a Mike's Hard Lemonade. Once, just to see what it was like.

I had to move out of our small town because everyone thought I was a wife-beater... The oddest thing.

 

[IGBT]

If you can..talk to a lawyer..build a case against him..get a legal judgement in your favor..he will go to sleep thinking about the judgement..and will be the first thing on his mind when he wakes up. And down the road it will pay you money when he has to make good or go to jail...better then the usual tire slashing..paint scratching krapola that may get youi in trouble.

 

[gururu]

A few tips on the hatred thing.
Just be cool. Ice cold. In these situations, the only way to deal with an over-emotional ex with hate issues is to be short with them. Educate yourself with all the business and legal stuff and PREPARE before any encounters so that you DO NOT lose your cool. In all encounters, public or private, you have to carry yourself like a lawyer; cool, collected, and educated. His overemotional antics juxtaposed to your professionalism (in court or anywhere) will make him look like a child.

 

[sonambulo]

yes yes yes!

but then, you must collect evidence to strike back with a defamation of character lawsuit. it will destroy his life.

 

[DevilsAdvocate]

As a divorce lawyer by trade, the best advice I can offer is to seek counseling. That is really the only thing that can help with anger.

.. and don't use kids as leverage.

 

[jjmIII]

Keep in mind his hate possibly stems from the strong love he has (or had) for you.

A woman (partner) in a mans life is very important to most of us.

Be the bigger person without throwing it in his face. Life will be teaching your children many lessons right now....be sure to help explain all sides to them.

Be proud of trying to do the right thing, and remember you can't take care of anyone if you don't take care of yourself first.

I feel I can overcome anything......do you?

Best Wishes ~Jim

(side note: never married, divorced, or any kids)

 

[Siddhartha]

Be honest, does he have reasons to hate you? What are the real reasons you broke up? How did you treat him before you broke up?

No matter how justified you feel, If you behaved badly towards him it might take years, if ever, for him to feel and behave anywhere close to neutral towards you.

 

[spanner]

You need to stay strong, wait it out and be cool and be sure to take care of your business i.e money, health, kids etc. Pretty much exactly what you seem to be doing already. It normally helps if you also happen to hate the people that hate you and chances are you should. The only exception are the childen caught up in this but they tend to get over it quickly once things settle down

 

[GroundedSailor]

I had to deal with a similar situation with my ex wife - in some ways still am after 9 years. I found (after many years) the best way is to ignore the person. And go for counseling to deal with your frustrations/anger/bewilderment. Do not react (easier said than done) when you have to confront the hatred - like when you meet or talk regarding the children.

Most important do not use the kids as pawns or leverage in any way. At times its hard not to but resist all you can. As you say it?s bad for them and they will grow up hating you for it.

Remember there are no winners in this battle ? so accept your losses and move on with your life.

Good luck.

 

[hevnsnt]

I noticed that the question(s):

Lets hear the other side of the story:
&
does he have reasons to hate you?
&
What are the real reasons you broke up?
&
How did you treat him before you broke up?

Have gone unanswered.


Interesting.......

 

[vi edit]

Assuming they aren't true, the best I can tell you is to take comfort in the fact that you know you are a better person than him and keep faith that people know you well enough to realize that he's a slanderous dickhole.

 

[purepolly]

You can take the high road, and if he is basically a sane person I'd take this road.

If he is a psycho - checkmate him.

The ex tried this with me. I was the selfish witch, while he portrayed the victim. When the bs started flowing my way, that's when I pulled some of the notes, and e-mails he had regarding the ho and the "addiction of the day" and showed them to his sister. And then had a nice talk with a ex co-worker of mine who had seen me twisted in knots for years while trying to deal with his psycho behavior, and who was then working with him at his then place of employment.

Having other people watching him closely, stopped his behavior. I still don't trust him, and have nothing to do with the man. But if anything happens - the finger is clearly pointing in his way.

I guess, what I'm saying is that sometimes - not speaking up for yourself isn't the safest thing to do. You need to be proactive and not be a doormat either.

 

[StormRider]

Divorce and relationships suck..

 

[DanTMWTMP]

Originally posted by: hevnsnt
I noticed that the question(s):

Lets hear the other side of the story:
&
does he have reasons to hate you?
&
What are the real reasons you broke up?
&
How did you treat him before you broke up?

Have gone unanswered.


Interesting.......