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I'm in a rut.

N

nixium

Senior member
Graduated college about five years ago, and have been working since then.

Now bored with life, because:

1. No hobbies.
2. Barely any dating.
3. I'm becoming stupider. Started out as a dev and am now managing/paperwork/etc.. good fun, I get to learn technologies but I can't solve puzzles or logical stuff as fast as I used to.
4. Lack of purpose. I'm just meandering along life.
5. Horrible fitness.
6. Poor interpersonal skills because of lack of social opportunities - just work and back home, and I work in the suburbs.

All in all, rapidly approaching depression - probably dysthymic at this point.

So, the answer is simple, right? Just pick up 1-6 and start doing something about them everyday.

The trouble is, I just can't. I try, but am not able to have the momentum to bring myself out of this rut by doing new things.

So, anyone in the same place? Same problems? Solved it somehow? Chime in.
 
Start hanging out with people that have common interest or can bring you into such activities so that you have common support?
 
You need to get someone else involved in helping and I'm sure you'll find that your points can all be affected by only one or two positive changes.

My hardest one was fitness - and it was affecting my dating life and other things. I got myself a fitness trainer once a week and a gym membership and now it's just a part of my life and I'm so much more fit than I was 6 months ago that my self confidence has skyrocketed, my happiness, my energy, all sorts of things.
 
Get some hobbies. Work is work, it will be there the rest of your life and while a lot of your time is spent there, is largely irrelevant. Life is completely what you make of it and the hours outside of work are your 'real life.'

Put yourself out there more.. try to date more thoughtfully, join a weekly pub trivia, read more, always keep learning. You say you are doing paperwork now... that doesn't mean you cant keep up to date on the current technologies or teach yourself new skills. You have to be self-starting to succeed.

You're bored because you're used to institutionalized structure. There are no more classes to go to, nothing to prepare for, etc. Make your own structure if you like that format. Set goals for yourself and try to meet them.

There's a difference between you can't and you wont... you just aren't trying hard enough or allowing yourself to get outside your comfort zone enough to succeed.
 
Quit and join the Peace Corps?

Or for a less drastic change, others have said, get some hobbies and put yourself outside your comfort zone. You're bored.
 
Start with improving your fitness. You'll gain a surprising amount of confidence that will translate into a more fulfilling life, both personally and professionally.

I lost 40 lbs and gained a significant amount muscle this past year, and words cannot express how it's changed my personal view of myself.
 
Don't look at solving it all, that's too daunting. Pick one thing like your fitness. FORCE yourself to do something social and active one or two nights a week. Join a gym or a bowling league or shoot hoops at the Y. Whatever. You'll meet people and feel better about yourself.
 
16 months ago I was there.

It's already been said enough times in this thread, but start with fitness. Go to a gym, join a team, do something active. You'll feel better physically, mentally, socially, emotionally. Then everything else will improve too.

It amazes me every day how much better I am in all those ways now, compared to early last year.

Do it.
 
SunnyD said:
Get a cat.
Click to expand...

I'm planning to foster one, it would help to have something else alive around the house - and maybe something I have to be responsible for. It'll be temporary - I'll have to return it to the SPCA, but it should help.
 
momeNt said:
Do you still masturbate? Or has stuff like that also taken a nosedive?
Click to expand...

Everything. I don't feel like doing things I used to like before. If I have free time, It's spent mostly in watching TV. I don't have the energy or motivation to do anything else.

Think of a time when you had a really crazy long night with no sleep and the next day you just felt like vegetating all day doing nothing.. that's how I feel. It takes a lot of energy just to get out of the bed and do something.
 
Platypus said:
Get some hobbies. Work is work, it will be there the rest of your life and while a lot of your time is spent there, is largely irrelevant. Life is completely what you make of it and the hours outside of work are your 'real life.'

Put yourself out there more.. try to date more thoughtfully, join a weekly pub trivia, read more, always keep learning. You say you are doing paperwork now... that doesn't mean you cant keep up to date on the current technologies or teach yourself new skills. You have to be self-starting to succeed.

You're bored because you're used to institutionalized structure. There are no more classes to go to, nothing to prepare for, etc. Make your own structure if you like that format. Set goals for yourself and try to meet them.

There's a difference between you can't and you wont... you just aren't trying hard enough or allowing yourself to get outside your comfort zone enough to succeed.
Click to expand...

So these are all excellent points, and I know I should be doing them.

My current problem is I have absolutely no motivation, or the energy.

It's like finals week. Think of that last exam after a grueling series of them.... you're tired, unmotivated, bored, and yet you have to study and go through with it. That's how I feel about everything in life. I have a long list of things that I know if I do will significantly improve my life. And I push myself to do it a couple of times (eg. Went to hip hop class two weeks in a row. Enjoyed it much. And have never been since then) but lose momentum. And later, I beat myself up about not doing them.

It's an awful feeling. I'm frustrated with my inability to break this cycle.
 
Cookie said:
16 months ago I was there.

It's already been said enough times in this thread, but start with fitness. Go to a gym, join a team, do something active. You'll feel better physically, mentally, socially, emotionally. Then everything else will improve too.

It amazes me every day how much better I am in all those ways now, compared to early last year.

Do it.
Click to expand...

Two other posters said the same thing.. this sounds interesting. So, just focus on that one thing, and forget about everything else for now? That might help - just to improve on one thing and take the pressure off myself to do all that other stuff I'm supposed to be.
 
Listen to some Aerosmith

220px-Aerosmith_-_Night_In_The_Ruts.JPG
 
Only you know what you like to do and what you want. Pretending to enjoy what others think you will enjoy is going to get you no where and will prolong you walking a path of what you think is pointless.

You HAVE things you want to do, you for some reason just deny yourself the pursuit of those, just make sure they are positive (Not like OD'ing on heroin, drugs, etc....)

If you are upset about where you are, change it. I don't like being fat. So lose weight! I don't like being weak. So work out! I don't like etc..., Do it!

It's easier said than done, but just remember to be true to yourself.
 
I went through a phase like that after breaking up with a crazy psycho ex. I essentially went a good 2 years of avoiding anything serious with women as I didn't want to deal with the drama. But eventually I went on okcupid.com and messaged and talked with a few women there and went on like a dozen or so dates with like 6 or 7 different women. Eventually met somebody where we had some chemistry and got along and like each other as human beings.

Also, I am still fat as ever, I tried the lose weight thing and that just wasn't me... I'd rather eat and be merry 🙂
 
SunnyD said:
Get a cat.
Click to expand...

No, get 3 cats. Hell, get 9 cats. Might as well go all the way if you're planning to step through that door.


I know a guy who was in a rut. His marriage was on the rocks, health declining, low job satisfaction, not in great shape, no money...

He partnered up with one of his former students and began coolking meth. It did wonders for him! Try it.
 
Rumpltzer said:
No, get 3 cats. Hell, get 9 cats. Might as well go all the way if you're planning to step through that door.


I know a guy who was in a rut. His marriage was on the rocks, health declining, low job satisfaction, not in great shape, no money...

He partnered up with one of his former students and began coolking meth. It did wonders for him! Try it.
Click to expand...

He got his own TV Series even, really awesome series too!

My question is this, Why the hell did he drive a fvcking Pontiac Aztek? Ughh!
 
nixium said:
Two other posters said the same thing.. this sounds interesting. So, just focus on that one thing, and forget about everything else for now? That might help - just to improve on one thing and take the pressure off myself to do all that other stuff I'm supposed to be.
Click to expand...

I was going to come back and add that, but I got distracted at work! I can't tell you what to do, but what worked for me was ignoring everything else and focussing on that one thing (exercise and taking care of myself), ya. I was overwhelmed, and trying to fix everything at once is not possible when you are overwhelmed. After a couple months of going to the gym and eating better, I started flirting and then dating, then setting new goals in all areas of my life, and right now I'm trying to join new groups and clubs and meet new people and keep in touch with old friends.

Just start by focussing on one thing, when you get it under control and make it a habit, you can add a new problem area to tackle.
 
nixium said:
So these are all excellent points, and I know I should be doing them.

My current problem is I have absolutely no motivation, or the energy.

It's like finals week. Think of that last exam after a grueling series of them.... you're tired, unmotivated, bored, and yet you have to study and go through with it. That's how I feel about everything in life. I have a long list of things that I know if I do will significantly improve my life. And I push myself to do it a couple of times (eg. Went to hip hop class two weeks in a row. Enjoyed it much. And have never been since then) but lose momentum. And later, I beat myself up about not doing them.

It's an awful feeling. I'm frustrated with my inability to break this cycle.
Click to expand...

That cycle and feeling are awful, but you can get past it in time with persistence and being honest with yourself. Somewhere there is a block that is making you think 'why bother?' and you need to tear that self made wall down. You mentioned a hip-hop class, so I take it you are interested in music? Why not get some equipment and start recording stuff on your computer. You can get into it super cheap and it would be a great outlet and way to spend time. Maybe a group could form out of that class or something to write stuff and hang out? It's things like this you could easily do.

Here's a good question to ask yourself: you liked the class before right? When you weren't in the midst of the cycle, you actually enjoyed going right? Remember that fact and let that be the motivation to say to yourself.. hey I am in a feedback loop here, wtf am I doing.
 
I've been in a similar spot, still am to a large degree. I found having a hobby I really enjoy (back country skiing / ski mountaineering) helped out a lot. It helps with fitness, motivation to accomplish things, meet new people, sense of purpose (I'm learning and getting better, accomplishing goals, have things to talk about with other people, etc.).

Someone mentioned starting with fitness, may I add start with a fitness hobby. I think it encapsulates 1-6 to some degree.
 
nixium said:
Now bored with life, because:

1. No hobbies.
2. Barely any dating.
3. I'm becoming stupider. Started out as a dev and am now managing/paperwork/etc.. good fun, I get to learn technologies but I can't solve puzzles or logical stuff as fast as I used to.
4. Lack of purpose. I'm just meandering along life.
5. Horrible fitness.
6. Poor interpersonal skills because of lack of social opportunities - just work and back home, and I work in the suburbs.
Click to expand...

1. Why are you here then? Not being snarky, it's a legit question. Anandtech is a computer hobbyist forum.

2. I wouldn't worry too much about women (men?) as long as you get yourself out with friends.

3. iTunes U has tones of stuff, TED Talks.

4. Volunteer

5. Go for walks, ride bikes, start lifting weights, join a gym. Eat fresh foods.

6. What are you interested in? I used to be like that. Now I do community television once a week. I film hockey and lacrosse games. Gets me out with like minded people. Goes back to 1 and 2.
 
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