Ah, now I see how this works.
All these days, I was laboriously following every little inane law USCIS throws in my way. I carefully saved up cash, avoided breaking even minor rules, was exceedingly careful when traveling out of the country. Since my path is so rocky, I didn't buy a home, made myself flexible enough to move easily, and spent my cash *within* this country. And oh, I learned English and tried to assimilate within this culture. And when I looked at the fact that it would take me around 8 years to get permanent residency, and another 5 to become a citizen, I soothed myself with the fact that things would have been much worse off in my home country.
Looks like I've had it all backward.
What I *should* have done is faked an SSN, not pay taxes, not worry about being skilled and work at manual labor. I should've just married someone ASAP and had as many children as I could, not worrying if I could support them on my paltry salary, not even worrying if I would be separated from my family because I'm not here legally. And English? who needs English? I should've just gone to my ethnic community and gotten my needs taken care of.
That way, I would've gotten the card that I'd waited for over a 100 days, meeting and persuading numerous USCIS officials to give me the rights I was legally entitled as prescribed by their own documentation, in a matter of hours. Why, I would've even gotten a free ride by DHS, no less!
I heartily thank the US Government for clearing up my misconceptions. I see the light now, and am free of my burdens. I will post haste start working on getting my first child out.