i would have went back to my elementary school days, payed more attention to people. when i changed schools all my old true friends were begging to be in contact with me and i refused. i wanted to be alone. i stayed alone all thru highschool. im alone now my senior year. i do nothing with anyone, i have no friends that i do stuff with or anything. i get home, get on my computer and waste my time playing games. i am finally alone. the only people i got left is family. i have never been on a date because i have ignored people so much. im lonely for a gf yes. there was a girl that i had a crush on, still do. but then this year she got a bf, the boyfriend hurt her badly and she has lost most of her intrest in getting a new bf or anything, so dead strain there. i liked her so much. my grades are good, but i got a full load my senior year becuase school is all i have now. i go to school, my grades are excellent, i have no social skills in order to make friends outside of school. i dont go anywhere or do anything, i am always at home in my spare time. i should have gotten a job but instead i do nothing. i sit in my spare time fretting about people. i yearn for human contact, but the human contact i do get is not to my liking, so i sink back into isolation. i aboned all my true friends and i cannot reverse what time has done. i miss them so much, but its all gone now. I am dead to them all now. if i could just go back to the 5th grade and change everything. i could be enjoying life more right now. i coulda taken to correct classes instead of computer classes. cause now i hate computers, mainly for what they have done to me. they have cost me all of my high school years. all in all i have been to only 2 parties where i have not been related to everyone there. and mind that im 17 year old senior. my computer knowledge is so vast and i dont like them anymore. i want to go into the medical area. but i dont see a point in doing anything anymore. if i do something even if for myself and i make allot of money, i still wont be happy. i know i wont be. i used to think it was the money, but i find not pleasure in it. perhaps making alot of it to make other jealous of me would help, but i dont think it would, in the end they would be much happier than me. i have so much going for me in the way of academics, but i got nothing to fight for. nothing and no one to fight for. all the females at my school dont want anything to do with nice guys, they prefer ass holes, and im too isolated to ever talk to them. they all date guys in their mid 20s anyways, so they would not have anything to do with me. but i will find great joy when all their boyfriends are in jail getting their butts pounded for statitory rape and i will be in med school and when i come out their boyfriends will still be in jail and i will be making allot of money. they will see the error in their ways one day, in the end i will win. i am soo sexually frustrated that i can barely talk to them. and i know that is the key, my confidence is so low that i shy them away from me. yes, i adimt it i suck with women and life. i have no confidence when it comes to them and i dont know how to get it. plus their are not many females at that school that i want much to do with, but where else would i meet them. no one invites me to parties or anything. im so isolated form all human contact its not even funny. wait, if i could go back and change one thing, i would have went back and killed myself when i was a baby so i would not have to deal with all of this crap. i dont know where im going. i cant even see myself after junior college. i know what i want to do but i cant see myself doing it. i have some dark future i know, and in that future i am alone becuase of my lack of any skills twords humans and females. i dont understand people, i never will and i never will understand women. gosh i hate what life has done to me. i have wasted so many years in front of this computer when i could have been making friends or learning, but in the end it gave me nothing, all i got was good eye hand cooridinaton. i dont have any hobbies i enjoy anymore. i find no pleasure in any of the things that used to bring me joy. i dont know what else to do. i just sit sometimes and stair at the ceiling thinking about the way things might have been and wishing that one day, i would get another chance. but i know that will never happen. i know some will say learn from your mistakes, but i live in the past, i know that is the wrong way to be but that is just the way i am. i live in the past, take hope in the future and in the process i screw up the present. gosh i hate what i have done to myself. i cant even talk to god much anymore becuase so many things distract me. i have these obsessions, they used to be about material goods but no longer, i get to where all i think about is people, i over alayse them and it keeps me from things that i should be doing. i stay up at night searching on the internet for stuff that i know i will never find, i talk to people i will never see or that i will never have a future with. all things done are futile in the end. i see no differance between humans and animals. they both live and die. humans think they are better but they are not. someone needs to put humans in there place. they are no better than the cows they eat and one day everyone will realize that about themselves. that is another thing, why dont we have human milk? i mean we are the only specieas that drinks the milk from other species, but no we dont drink from our own cause its sick, i mean it woud sell good, maybe that could be my goal in life, think of some good invention to better humanity. but why would i want to do that when people are so cruel. i dont know anymore, god i wish i could go back and fix these things i screwed up. thanks for listening
