I submitted this as homework

[froke]

OK, we were assigned to write a story from 3rd person point of view as part of an assignment to practice writing business letters. Well, here is the story part I submitted:

On a hot summer day, a casually dressed man was taking a quick lunch break at his place of residence. He was routinely taking out a garbage sack when, as he nonchalantly approached the large can on the side of his house, he heard a sudden rustling in a messy heap of dry leaves nearby. Not knowing the cause of the rustle, the man called to his trusty golden retriever. His nearly 90-pound, four-legged friend becomes extremely energized and predacious when introduced to foreign creatures. Not a second later, the 9-year-old golden beast came barreling around the corner of the house as his keen sense of smell quickly honed in on the creature in the leave pile. Frightened, the innocent little bunny bounded from the leaves and sought protection behind the garbage can that the man had yet to arrive at. Seeing the bunny excited the dog even more. He swiftly chased after the terrified cotton-tail. Before the shocked man had a chance to cry out, the monstrous brute snatched up the little fur-ball as it emitted its last, tiny yelp. With the entire furry body now in its watering mouth, locked in its strong, wide jaw, the satisfied dog proudly pranced around the yard, enjoying the fresh kill. The astounded man firmly slapped on the top side of the killers head until the poor bunny was released and plopped on the warm ground. Its innards lifelessly laid exposed to the sweltering sunlight. The man, equipped with an old rag, carefully picked up the mangled bunny by its rear leg and deposited it, along with the garbage sack, in to the can on the side of his house.

 

[Eli]

:Q

 

Heh...it's not too well written, but at least it's descriptive. It just seems like you're trying too hard to make it tounge-in-cheek.

 

[bradruth]

Where's the twist?

 

[BDawg]

All creative writing assignments should start with,

"Dear Penthouse,

I never thought it could happen to me..."

 

[JoeKing]

BAN!!:|

j/k

I don't maybe your instructor will think you have some deep seated emotional issues concerning your mother?

 

[simms]

I think if this was for business class... you have some issues.

 

[Pepsi90919]

too many adjectives.

 

[v3rrv3]

Originally posted by: jumpr
Heh...it's not too well written, but at least it's descriptive. It just seems like you're trying too hard to make it tounge-in-cheek.

Also wouldn't it be leaf pile? Leave pile makes me think the dog took a crap or something

 

[Maetryx]

There are a numerous grammatical errors ("in to" should be "into"; "leave pile" should be "leaf pile"; you ended a sentence with "at", which is a preposition; you switched to present tense with the word "becomes"; some suspect comma usage).

You used the words "routinely" and "nonchalantly" in the same sentence, which seems like overkill to me. The entire story is so matter-of-fact that it leaves the reader with no particular satisfaction. There is no irony, twist, resolution, character development, and the reader probably does not relate whatsoever to the main character.

If it's supposed to be shocking, it fails there as well. You have stereotyped the audience as being disturbed at animal death. Animal death is part of animal life. Unless the audience is about 4 years old, this story will not be met with more than a 'meh'.

 

[her209]

Booo!!! Where's the naked chick?

 

[RedRooster]

3rd person, eh?
So that's how you spent your afternoon huh, cleaning up rabbit guts from your back yard?

 

[DrPizza]

Toss in that the retriever knocked over the garbage can in his exuberance to pursue the furry woodland creature, sending copius amounts of refuse scattering across the lawn as the leaves had been only hours ago, before being painstakingly raked in the fresh breeze as the trees lost all but those final few leaves that seem to hang on forever, only to seemingly vanish rather than fall around the time when the warm green buds finally make their appearance, heralding the end of the harsh cold winter and heralding in the freshness of spring and life.

 

[Slacker]

Yeah, and when teh cans got knocked over some trash, like, oh, I dont know... Pancakes? landed on the bunny's head!

 

[froke]

This is the kind of writing you get when you try to add adjectives to every noun and adverbs to every verb, and then make too much use of Word's right-click thesarus

 

[MrAwesome]

............so..............you left out the tits and S&M.

 

[Kadarin]

Originally posted by: froke
This is the kind of writing you get when you try to add adjectives to every noun and adverbs to every verb, and then make too much use of Word's right-click thesarus

I agree.

Instead, talk about the visceral impact of exposed rabbit guts. Talk about the emotional disconnect between the main character's mental image of his trusted friend and companion, and the cold granite of nature's predatory reality. Talk about gastric distress as the man's lunch wants to vomit forth and see the light of day at the sight of Peter Cottontail's twisted, bloody intestinal rope.