Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vender?
"One...with everything."
What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vender?
"One...with everything."
The three owners of three beer companies are sitting at a bar. One is the owner of Guinness, one the owner of Budweiser, one the owner of Miller.
Anyway.. they're hanging out and talking. The owner of Miller orders a Miller Genuine Draft. Then, the owner of Budweiser orders a Michelob. So then, the owner of Guinness orders a soda water.
The other two guys look at the Guinness owner with disgust.
The Guinness owner replies, "What? None of you are ordering beer!"
Anyway.. they're hanging out and talking. The owner of Miller orders a Miller Genuine Draft. Then, the owner of Budweiser orders a Michelob. So then, the owner of Guinness orders a soda water.
The other two guys look at the Guinness owner with disgust.
The Guinness owner replies, "What? None of you are ordering beer!"
Q:How did the blonde injure herself raking leaves?
A:She fell out of the tree.
Q:How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:Two, but I don't know how you'd get 'em in there.
A:She fell out of the tree.
Q:How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:Two, but I don't know how you'd get 'em in there.
Kyteland
Diamond Member
- Dec 30, 2002
- 5,747
- 1
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Why did Intel call their new chip "Pentium"? Because when they added 100 to 486, they got 586.657654132167...
Q: Why do Computer Scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
A: Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25.
Alright, nevermind. I'll go find a real joke now....
Q: Why do Computer Scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
A: Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25.
Alright, nevermind. I'll go find a real joke now....
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding through a desert valley when they come to a small hill and decide to look around.
As he looks around, the Lone Ranger starts to get nervous. On the Eastern horizon he sees a large party of Navajo warriors racing towards them. On the Northern horizon he sees a large party of Apache warriors bearing down on them. On the Western horizon he spots a large party of Ute braves charging towards him and Tonto. To the South, he sees a very large party of Shoshone Braves heading straight for them.
The Lone Ranger turns to his faithful companion Tonto and says with a nervous quiver in his voice, "This is it! You've been a great companion for all these years, but I think we're done for."
Tonto fondly looks at the Lone Ranger and says, "What do you mean 'WE', White Man!"
amish
As he looks around, the Lone Ranger starts to get nervous. On the Eastern horizon he sees a large party of Navajo warriors racing towards them. On the Northern horizon he sees a large party of Apache warriors bearing down on them. On the Western horizon he spots a large party of Ute braves charging towards him and Tonto. To the South, he sees a very large party of Shoshone Braves heading straight for them.
The Lone Ranger turns to his faithful companion Tonto and says with a nervous quiver in his voice, "This is it! You've been a great companion for all these years, but I think we're done for."
Tonto fondly looks at the Lone Ranger and says, "What do you mean 'WE', White Man!"
amish
A woman having a passionate affair with a pest-control man got caught in the bedroom one afternoon when her husband came home unexpectedly. "Quick!" she said to her lover. "Get in the closet!" He did, but without time to grab his clothes. Her husband was suspicious when he found her in bed naked, so he searched the bedroom and quickly discovered the naked man in their closet. "What are doing in my closet!" he shouted. "I'm the inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator, "and I'm investigating an infestation of moths." "And just where are your clothes?" The man looked down at himself and acted surprised. "Those little bastards!"
Two dwarfs treated themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they picked up two women, one thing led to another, and they wound up back in their rooms. The first dwarf was disappointed, however, because of, well, a "lack of Viagra." But all night long, through the wall, he could hear his buddy yelling, "One, two, three, HUP!" "One, two, three, HUP!" In the morning, he bemoaned his fate to his buddy, "I can't believe it! I just couldn't get aroused last night! How did it go for you?" The second dwarf just shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get up on the bed!"
Once upon a time there was a young woman who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read," she declared. "Words that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. Writing that will make them scream and cry and howl in pain and anger." And now, she lives happily ever after, in Redmond, Washington, writing error messages for Microsoft.
Two women were talking over coffee. The first one said, "My boyfriend and I broke up last night." "Oh, really? I'm sorry. What happened?" "Oh, he told me that he fantasized about having two girls at once." "Well, that's not so bad. Most men do that. What did you say?" "I told him, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why piss off two?'"
A state trooper pulled over a farmer for speeding. The trooper lectured him about his speed and tried his best to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, as he wrote out the ticket, flies started buzzing around his head. "Having trouble with them circle flies, are ya?" asked the farmer. The trooper had to stop writing to swat at them. "Well, yeah, if that's what you call them. I've never heard of 'circle flies.'" "Oh, circle flies are common on farms. We call 'em that because they're always found circling the back end of a horse." The trooper looks up sharply. "Hey, are you calling me a horse's ass?" The farmer said, "Oh, no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ass." "Well, that's a good thing..." and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer said, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
A man wakes up with a terrible hangover. "Honey, I think I may have made a fool out of myself at the party last night." "Did you!" she exclaimed. "You got in a big fight with your boss." "Oh, yeah? Well, piss on him!" "You did. And he fired you!" said his wife. "Oh, yeah? Well, screw him!" "I did," said his wife. "You're back to work on Monday!"
Two rednecks were the first in their families to graduate from high school, so they decided to enter college. They made appointments to see the college counselor, who recommended the first one should take courses in math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" asked the first redneck. "Let me give you an example," answered his counselor. "Do you own a weed eater?" "Yup." "Then I can logically assume that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" said the redneck. "Logic also tells me that, since you have a yard, you also own a house." "Amazing!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Yup, Betty Mae! Incredible!" "Finally, since you have a wife, I can logically assume that you are heterosexual." "Why, I shore am! I cain't wait to take muh logic class!" Proud of the new world opening before him, he returned to the hallway where his friend was waiting. "So? What classes ya takin'?" "Math, history, and logic!" he replied. "What's logic?" "Let me give you an example: do ya own a weed eater?" "Nope." "You're queer, ain't ya?!"
A married couple, driving through the countryside, had a discussion that led to an argument, and both were too stubborn to concede their position. Passing a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," replied her husband. "In-laws!"
A young foolish pilot, trying to sound cool on the aviation radio, was on approach for his first night landing. Instead of making the standard request to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched off all the airfield's landing lights and replied, "Guess where!"
A man walked into a shop and found the clerk stalking flies with a fly swatter. "Have you gotten any?" he asked. The clerk replied, "Yeah. Three males and two females." "How do you tell the difference?" "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!"
pick one
Two dwarfs treated themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they picked up two women, one thing led to another, and they wound up back in their rooms. The first dwarf was disappointed, however, because of, well, a "lack of Viagra." But all night long, through the wall, he could hear his buddy yelling, "One, two, three, HUP!" "One, two, three, HUP!" In the morning, he bemoaned his fate to his buddy, "I can't believe it! I just couldn't get aroused last night! How did it go for you?" The second dwarf just shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get up on the bed!"
Once upon a time there was a young woman who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read," she declared. "Words that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. Writing that will make them scream and cry and howl in pain and anger." And now, she lives happily ever after, in Redmond, Washington, writing error messages for Microsoft.
Two women were talking over coffee. The first one said, "My boyfriend and I broke up last night." "Oh, really? I'm sorry. What happened?" "Oh, he told me that he fantasized about having two girls at once." "Well, that's not so bad. Most men do that. What did you say?" "I told him, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why piss off two?'"
A state trooper pulled over a farmer for speeding. The trooper lectured him about his speed and tried his best to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, as he wrote out the ticket, flies started buzzing around his head. "Having trouble with them circle flies, are ya?" asked the farmer. The trooper had to stop writing to swat at them. "Well, yeah, if that's what you call them. I've never heard of 'circle flies.'" "Oh, circle flies are common on farms. We call 'em that because they're always found circling the back end of a horse." The trooper looks up sharply. "Hey, are you calling me a horse's ass?" The farmer said, "Oh, no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ass." "Well, that's a good thing..." and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer said, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
A man wakes up with a terrible hangover. "Honey, I think I may have made a fool out of myself at the party last night." "Did you!" she exclaimed. "You got in a big fight with your boss." "Oh, yeah? Well, piss on him!" "You did. And he fired you!" said his wife. "Oh, yeah? Well, screw him!" "I did," said his wife. "You're back to work on Monday!"
Two rednecks were the first in their families to graduate from high school, so they decided to enter college. They made appointments to see the college counselor, who recommended the first one should take courses in math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" asked the first redneck. "Let me give you an example," answered his counselor. "Do you own a weed eater?" "Yup." "Then I can logically assume that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" said the redneck. "Logic also tells me that, since you have a yard, you also own a house." "Amazing!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Yup, Betty Mae! Incredible!" "Finally, since you have a wife, I can logically assume that you are heterosexual." "Why, I shore am! I cain't wait to take muh logic class!" Proud of the new world opening before him, he returned to the hallway where his friend was waiting. "So? What classes ya takin'?" "Math, history, and logic!" he replied. "What's logic?" "Let me give you an example: do ya own a weed eater?" "Nope." "You're queer, ain't ya?!"
A married couple, driving through the countryside, had a discussion that led to an argument, and both were too stubborn to concede their position. Passing a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," replied her husband. "In-laws!"
A young foolish pilot, trying to sound cool on the aviation radio, was on approach for his first night landing. Instead of making the standard request to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched off all the airfield's landing lights and replied, "Guess where!"
A man walked into a shop and found the clerk stalking flies with a fly swatter. "Have you gotten any?" he asked. The clerk replied, "Yeah. Three males and two females." "How do you tell the difference?" "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!"
pick one
there are only 10 types of people in this world. those that understand binary code and those that don't.
thats in someone's signature on this site. i forget who. please tell me who so i can give credit!
thats in someone's signature on this site. i forget who. please tell me who so i can give credit!
What you shoulda done is just written "My grade." in the box for the joke.
Or something like that. Perhaps "My life."
If you're teacher is cool you coulda written: "You're face....... BIATCH!"
Or something like that. Perhaps "My life."
If you're teacher is cool you coulda written: "You're face....... BIATCH!"
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