I killed a raccoon with a katana

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Torn Mind

Torn Mind

Lifer
Nov 25, 2012
12,004
2,748
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Alas, upon google the moniker "my excellent compatriot slayer", I come across urban dictionary, and discover it already exists as racist slang. So, I must call myself a raccoon slayer instead.


The raccoon certainly didn't want to die, as its spun its body around the blade or climb the blade, trying to escape, only making its wound wider
It was in the house because I left the kitchen door open and I wasn't going to let it become a super rat of sorts and damage stuff all while pissing and defecting while trapped.
 
C

cbrunny

Diamond Member
Oct 12, 2007
6,791
406
126
Uhm. You used a katana - a sword - to kill a raccoon? like... chop its head off type thing?

I have so many questions:
1. Why?
2. Are you drunk?
3. How did you get close enough?
4. Did you stab it or slice it?
5. How much blood was there?
6. What did it taste like?
7. Isn't that animal cruelty in your jurisdiction?
8. Did you bury the carcass?
9. How did you clean the blade after?
10. This happened IN YOUR HOUSE?
11. How did you clean up all the blood?
12. Did all the blood damage your carpet or flooring?
13. How did the thing not just decimate your house?
14. Does pest control service your area?
15. Do you have any pets that could have scared it away?
16. Did you expect the raccoon to want to die?
17. How would a raccoon become a super rat? What does this mean?

So many more... mind explode.
 
Ruptga

Ruptga

Lifer
Aug 3, 2006
10,246
207
106
Torn Mind said:
Alas, upon google the moniker "my excellent compatriot slayer", I come across urban dictionary, and discover it already exists as racist slang. So, I must call myself a raccoon slayer instead.


The raccoon certainly didn't want to die, as its spun its body around the blade or climb the blade, trying to escape, only making its wound wider
It was in the house because I left the kitchen door open and I wasn't going to let it become a super rat of sorts and damage stuff all while pissing and defecting while trapped.
Click to expand...

So now I'm imagining a drunk in a fedora trying to stab a panicking raccoon with his prized Katana that was imported straight from China.
 
PricklyPete

PricklyPete

Lifer
Sep 17, 2002
14,582
162
106
When you say "house", you mean parent's basement right?
d44f7f535b09c53576f19115377325a8.png
 
Last edited:
Ruptga

Ruptga

Lifer
Aug 3, 2006
10,246
207
106
JTsyo said:
Japan? Or you think he has a knockoff?
Click to expand...
It could just be my own biases talking, but I doubt a person that stabs a raccoon with a sword then talks about it on the internet at 3am is the kind of person that can afford a real katana.
 
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cbrunny

Diamond Member
Oct 12, 2007
6,791
406
126
Ruptga said:
It could just be my own biases talking, but I doubt a person that stabs a raccoon with a sword then talks about it on the internet at 3am is the kind of person that can afford a real katana.
Click to expand...
unless they live in Japan!
 
Humpy

Humpy

Diamond Member
Mar 3, 2011
4,464
596
126
Torn Mind said:
Alas, upon google the moniker "my excellent compatriot slayer", I come across urban dictionary, and discover it already exists as racist slang. So, I must call myself a raccoon slayer instead.


The raccoon certainly didn't want to die, as its spun its body around the blade or climb the blade, trying to escape, only making its wound wider
It was in the house because I left the kitchen door open and I wasn't going to let it become a super rat of sorts and damage stuff all while pissing and defecting while trapped.
Click to expand...

Creepy fuckhead.
 
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master_shake_

master_shake_

Diamond Member
May 22, 2012
6,425
291
121
it's 3 am. late november.

scene opens.

a lone racoon is slowly creeping across a driveway in middle america, he spots an unguarded garbage can and makes his way over for a late snack.

as the racoon edges closer to the can, a faint wind whistles by.

suddenly the ninja strikes with nary a sound except maybe the whisp of his sword.

in one fell swoop the intruder is neutralized and the ninja runs off to post about it on the internet.
 
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C

cbrunny

Diamond Member
Oct 12, 2007
6,791
406
126
master_shake_ said:
it's 3 am. late november.

scene opens.

a lone racoon is slowly creeping across a driveway in middle america, he spots an unguarded garbage can and makes his way over for a late snack.

as the racoon edges closer to the can, a faint wind whistles by.

suddenly the ninja strikes with nary a sound except maybe the whisp of his sword.

in one fell swoop the intruder is neutralized and the ninja runs off to post about it on the internet.
Click to expand...
oh you missed the part where OP said this all happened inside his home
 
dave_the_nerd

dave_the_nerd

Lifer
Feb 25, 2011
16,983
1,616
126
I smacked a raccoon with a 2x4 once. It was "guarding" my trash cans and hissing at me, and the scrap lumber was the only thing I had handy. It retreated and hissed at me some more.

Then I put more garbage in the cans and walked away, effectively giving it more food to eat. So I feel like karmically I'm in the clear.
 
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