I hate being an introvert. There. (serious)

[pmv]

Also remember that social anxiety and introversion are two different things. Extroverts can have social anxiety too (they want to hang and reach out but doesn't connect).

To be honest, I'm entirely unclear what all these terms mean.

I do know that I've known many people who were overwhelmed with stress and difficulties, and almost all of those difficulties seemed to be caused by other people in their lives (friends, family, neighbours, work colleagues).

Seems as if the main reason one needs social connections and people in your life is in order to have support available to help you cope with the huge problems caused by the other people in your life. Sometimes seems to me to be almost a zero-sum game.

 

[Kaido]

To be honest, I'm entirely unclear what all these terms mean.

I do know that I've known many people who were overwhelmed with stress and difficulties, and almost all of those difficulties seemed to be caused by other people in their lives (friends, family, neighbours, work colleagues).

Seems as if the main reason one needs social connections and people in your life is in order to have support available to help you cope with the huge problems caused by the other people in your life. Sometimes seems to me to be almost a zero-sum game.

Basically:

1. Being antisocial means not wanting to spend time with people & not wanting to be friendly with people. This is not the same as being introverted!

2. Having anxiety means you want to do something, but the idea of doing it & actually doing it both don't make you feel very good. For example, I live with hardcoded public performance anxiety, where I have a myriad of effects that happen whenever I have to present in front of a group of people, whether it's 10 people or 500 people. I still do it as part of my job, but it gives me stomach pain, acid reflux, a headache, nausea, etc. automatically. I simply have an overly-sensitive central nervous system that I have to live with!

3. Being an introvert doesn't mean that you don't like people; it just means that the energy required to be around people, especially crowds of people (parties, classes, jobs) is especially draining, so then you need some alone time to recharge.

4. Being an extrovert means that your battery of energy gets charged up around other people, so being by yourself is more draining, as opposed to energizing.

Not everyone falls into these categories. Some people are just "normal" & don't mind hanging out with people either way & don't get drained or energized from social situations or from being by themselves. But it helps to know which category you fit into because then you can tailor your life around what gives you life! I'm very much introverted...I like people, I just can't handle being around them for a very long time because I get physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. It's just an effect that happens that's simply built-in, not by choice!

It's difficult because for many of us who are introverted, we'd like to spend more time with people, but our energy gets zapped doing so & then we don't feel very good, and if we push it, then we end up having a terrible time & needing a few days to recover. Whereas I've got extroverted friends who will go party at Burning Man for over a week & come home full of life, rather than drained to death, haha!

 

[GodisanAtheist]

I realized a while ago that I'm not an introvert, I just really dislike most people (not as people, just being around them and their mannerisms and their self importance).

I hate crowds etc.

But if I gel with someone then I have no problem spending an entire day hanging out and talking about or doing whatever.

I've been lucky to meet a couple people in my life where we are fueled by mutual interests, intelligence, and sense of humor to keep things rolling for a long time.

Oddly enough they are literally all red headed white people so who knows what that's about. All chill, intelligent, funny, and can consume herculean quantities of liquor.

 

[Zeze]

Introversion-extroversion is a spectrum too.

• A close friend of mine is a classic introvert with social anxiety, super quiet as a kid, sensitive to things outside, etc. Today he's a successful realtor / multi prop owner.
• I'm like a fake-extrovert or fake-introvert. Maybe an ambivert with introvert leaning. I have no problem with big groups, public speaking, kicked ass doing customer/client service stuff in my life, etc. But I have small personal relationship friends. And I'm rather skittish I guess. I like to just chill alone at night.
• You also have introverts who doesn't have social anxiety. Meaning, s/he is fine being a loner or whatever, but is rather charming & charismatic to others.

 

[Kaido]

Introversion-extroversion is a spectrum too.

• A close friend of mine is a classic introvert with social anxiety, super quiet as a kid, sensitive to things outside, etc. Today he's a successful realtor / multi prop owner.
• I'm like a fake-extrovert or fake-introvert. Maybe an ambivert with introvert leaning. I have no problem with big groups, public speaking, kicked ass doing customer/client service stuff in my life, etc. But I have small personal relationship friends. And I'm rather skittish I guess. I like to just chill alone at night.
• You also have introverts who doesn't have social anxiety. Meaning, s/he is fine being a loner or whatever, but is rather charming & charismatic to others.

That's really the best way to look at it Depends on the day, depends on the situation, depends on the people in question. It definitely is a spectrum! I wish I didn't get so exhausted around people.

 

[darkswordsman17]

OP, don't buy into all this personality psychology mumbo jumbo. Its all based on horribly specious science (if any at all). If you're letting moronic basically horoscope level bullshit affect you that much then you might need to see an actual therapist.

Its tough for anyone to make friends in real life these days. Just keep at it.

 

[Zeze]

OP, don't buy into all this personality psychology mumbo jumbo. Its all based on horribly specious science (if any at all). If you're letting moronic basically horoscope level bullshit affect you that much then you might need to see an actual therapist.

Its tough for anyone to make friends in real life these days. Just keep at it.

Thanks.

My point has been clear. It's nothing to do with labels and scientific horoscopes. I simply want more friends (for the sake of my kids) but at the same time it's harder to do due to circumstances (age) and my personal issues of not wanting to hang.

 

[jmagg]

Thanks.

My point has been clear. It's nothing to do with labels and scientific horoscopes. I simply want more friends (for the sake of my kids) but at the same time it's harder to do due to circumstances (age) and my personal issues of not wanting to hang.

We suffer for our kids.

 

[[DHT]Osiris]

I'm a pretty extreme introvert. I don't like most people, I'm exceedingly drained from even brief interactions with people, much prefer any activities that don't include other people in any way, but if necessary a very limited number of people I can interact with on my own terms (text, email, whatever).

 

[pmv]

If we're being "serious", it seems to me that interacting with people is extremely tiring, and full of pitfalls. It has often struck me as possibly being more effort than it was worth.

The way I see it (and in my experience), human beings are, by nature, fundamentally selfish. They will most-of-the-time put their own self-interests first, even if they don't consciously-realise they are doing so.

Hence interactions with people are always something of a battle, for everyone, a fight to avoid being taken advantage of. (And, for that matter, politics is fundamentally about different groups of people fighting to protect their self-interests, in a context where there are huge imbalances of power between groups, and, usually, an unavoidable lack of understanding of why the other groups see things they way they do).

That's been my experience, both with "professional" interactions (in particular with doctors - for my entire life had a rare condition that doctors don't know much about, that took decades of symptoms to get diagnosed - which made it very clear to me that doctors, like other professionals, will, when push-comes-to-shove give their needs priority over yours) and with personal/social ones.

It's always a fight, because the other person will usually put their own self-interests first and foremost. The only exception being when people see the 'other' as an extension of themselves, which is often the case with parents and their children (and not always, even then).

I've found it gets worse with age, as everyone gets increasingly overwhelmed by their own problems and needs and hence becomes still more selfish. Also, on a social level, the same seems to happen when economic conditions get worse.

If you add in the fact that everyone has very different formative experiences, and exists in a different set of circumstances, meaning their interests are going to clash with those around them, it all gets very tiring.
_Especially_ so if you are in a minority of any kind, particularly if it's a disadvantaged one, meaning your interests are particularly likely to conflict with many of those around you.

It's a wonder to me that human societies can function at all, or that any personal relationships last.

The OP should be careful what they wish for, as more friends might turn out to just mean more conflict and more demands. Both on a personal level, as we all age, and on a political level, as the numerous crises in the world continue to worsen, interactions with people are only going to get more stressful and exhausting.

 

[darkswordsman17]

Thanks.

My point has been clear. It's nothing to do with labels and scientific horoscopes. I simply want more friends (for the sake of my kids) but at the same time it's harder to do due to circumstances (age) and my personal issues of not wanting to hang.

That's fair, but almost all the adults (like over mid-20s) that I talk to are that way where they want to hang out but they also find it exhausting and want the ability to just bounce if they're not enjoying things or after a certain amount of time you just drain your social battery. So I don't think you're actually really unique in that regard. There's a group of people at work that get together every so often but probably half of them flake like over half the time. And there's a few that I simply won't hang out with outside of work (because they're prone to ranting about the dumbest bullshit, and have a proven track record of not knowing what they're talking about and sorry but I'm not gonna hang out with bullshitters like that). Several of them typically can hang for maybe like 2-3 hours before they get tired.

I think dating sites these days have like segmented groups for people just looking for friends. I wouldn't be surprised there might be apps dedicated solely to that based on finding people with similar interests. Just be up front and set boundaries for hanging out.

Just be up front about it, this way it doesn't come off as anything personal. I think people will understand. Maybe set some boundaries (be it activities, time, expectations of costs/spending on activities, etc).

 

[nakedfrog]

dang it, this is my life. i should've at least played guitar instead of piano.

chicks always digged the guitar guys. even the bass and percussion guy rated higher on the scale than piano guy.

but the singers, they were the top of the coolness food chain.

You can still learn, I know people who started guitar when they were 20+ years older than you are now!
Piano can definitely still do the job, bust out some of that Little Richard-style key action and people dig it. I play with a rotating cast of piano folks and some of them really do impress.

 

[Oyeve]

I'm mostly an introvert because I completely distrust people. And I'm ok with it.